Chapter 8: poem I wrote after I masturbated while wearing airpods

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

The poem opens with the speaker alone in her kitchen shortly after masturbating while wearing AirPods—a detail established only by the title. She reports learning that the word “dog” is not an abbreviation for anything; it simply means dog. Reflecting on her solitude, she muses that being alone in the kitchen can feel romantic if one sighs heavily enough. This thought triggers a memory of telling a past romantic partner “I love you.” He responded flatly that he didn’t know what love is. In the poem’s closing lines, the speaker reveals that this same man has since become engaged to someone else. The poem layers a trivial linguistic discovery, a performative self-soothing gesture, and an unresolved romantic wound into a single, compressed emotional scene.

Key Events

The speaker masturbates while wearing AirPods (inferred from the title).
She learns that “dog” is not a shortened form of any longer word.
Standing alone in the kitchen, she decides the scene is romantic if she sighs heavily.
She recalls telling a man she loved him.
The man replied that he doesn’t know what love is.
The poem ends with the information that the same man is now engaged.

Character Development

The poem contains two figures: the speaker and the unnamed ex-boyfriend.

Speaker: She moves from a mundane, self-conscious act (masturbation with earbuds) to a playful observation about language and atmosphere, then to a painful memory. Her emotional trajectory shows a persona that copes with loneliness through humor and ironic self-awareness. The final line—reporting the ex’s engagement—reveals that she still processes the old wound, though she does not dwell on it.
Ex-boyfriend: He appears only through dialogue and a life update. His refusal to define love and subsequent engagement creates a narrative irony: he claimed ignorance of love yet later entered into a committed relationship. His character is minimally sketched but serves as a foil for the speaker’s ongoing vulnerability.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Modern solitude: The combination of AirPods, masturbation, and a kitchen points to a technologically mediated loneliness. The speaker tries to transform this solitude into romance by sighing deliberately.
Language as absurdity: The discovery that “dog” is not an acronym mirrors the larger theme of searching for hidden meanings in relationships, only to find plain realities.
The sigh: A performative tool to imbue everyday moments with emotional weight. It becomes a motif for how the speaker manufactures romance in the absence of a partner.
Love as an undefined term: The ex’s statement “I don’t know what love is” highlights the gap between emotional declarations and lived commitments. The irony of his later engagement underscores the slipperiness of the concept.

Why This Chapter Matters

Though only a few lines long, this poem crystalizes Catherine Cohen’s signature blend of confession, humor, and pathos. It places a raw sexual act alongside a mundane fact and a thwarted love confession, all delivered in a casual, conversational tone. The poem illustrates how contemporary romantic life is saturated with technology, linguistic play, and unresolved feelings that resurface in quiet moments. As part of God I Feel Modern Tonight, this chapter reinforces the collection’s central tension: the search for authentic connection in a world that often feels performative and disconnected.

Study Questions and Answers

How does the poem’s title shape the reader’s understanding of the speaker’s state of mind?
Answer: The title establishes that the poem’s reflection occurs immediately after masturbation while wearing AirPods—a private, tech‑accompanied act. This context suggests a state of physical release combined with auditory insulation, priming the reader for the speaker’s mix of vulnerability and ironic distance.
What is the function of the line “anything can be romantic if you sigh a lot”?
Answer: It exposes the speaker’s awareness that romance is partly a performance—a deliberate emotional coloring. The sigh becomes a prop; by sighing, she transforms a lonely kitchen into a stage for longing. The line also introduces a self‑mocking tone that undercuts any genuine sentiment.
Why does the speaker end the poem by mentioning the ex‑boyfriend’s engagement?
Answer: The engagement creates a pointed contrast with his earlier refusal to claim knowledge of love. It implies that he had the capacity for love all along, just not with the speaker. The ending leaves the speaker stuck in her memory while another person moves forward—a quiet pivot from humor to melancholy.