Chapter 52 Summary: “poem I wrote after I asked you if cereal can expire”
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
In this poem, the speaker catalogs the disorienting effects of pandemic life. She obsesses over her body, worries she had vaginismus (only to realize she simply was not attracted to her ex), pumps the wrong gas into the car, and spirals into loneliness. Her entire existence is mediated through a computer, making her feel obsolete before the technology of the future. Upstate with her partner, they have constant sex and eat string cheese; she watches Love Island and tells her therapist its rules, revealing that she feels like an islander trapped in a villa, unsure how life will be different “on the outside.” The speaker imagines a glamorous party she is missing, where others wear shawls and smoke with cigarette holders. She mourns past feelings of aliveness – crying about her perfect life and boys who cannot dress themselves. She repeatedly asks her partner if they are “dead up here.” The poem ends with them sleeping in the cold spots of his house, holding each other close.
Key Events
- Speaker worries about her arm fat during a pandemic.
- Realization that her former vaginismus concern was actually lack of attraction to an ex.
- She puts the wrong fuel in the car, a metaphor for missteps in life.
- Confession that everything is done on a computer, which already feels outdated.
- Upstate retreat with a partner: near-constant sex and string cheese.
- She recounts the rules of Love Island to her therapist, drawing a parallel to being trapped in a villa.
- Fantasizes about a glamorous party she is not invited to, complete with shawls and long cigarette holders.
- Reflects on past crying jags about her “perfect life” and immature men.
- Asks her partner repeatedly if they are “dead” in their upstate isolation.
- Describes the house’s temperature variations and choosing to sleep in the cold spots together.
Character Development
The Speaker – Her internal monologue shifts from shallow self-criticism (arm fat, vaginismus) to deeper existential dread. She confesses vulnerability by telling a therapist about reality TV, revealing a fear of being trapped in a false reality. Her repeated questions about being “dead” show a need for reassurance, and the final image – choosing cold spots in the house – suggests a willingness to endure discomfort for closeness.
The Partner (“you”) – Only appears through the speaker’s direct address. He is a steady presence during the upstate isolation, offering sex, string cheese, and warmth in cold spots. He seems to answer her anxious questions without argument, embodying a grounding force.
The Ex – Mentioned only to contrast with the current relationship; he was someone the speaker was not attracted to, which she now sees clearly.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
Pandemic Isolation – The poem is explicitly set during a pandemic, with empty playgrounds, a retreat upstate, and a sense of being cut off from the outside world. The villa metaphor from Love Island mirrors the feeling that daily life is a staged reality with no clear exit.
Modern Disconnection – The speaker’s life is mediated through a computer; her children will “type before they can walk.” She feels like a word from the past – obsolete before the future arrives. This motif of technological anxiety runs throughout.
Intimacy vs. Existential Dread – Despite having “near constant sex” and emotional closeness, the speaker cannot shake the feeling that they might be dead. The cold spots they choose to sleep in symbolize both the discomfort of reality and the choice to share that discomfort.
The Party as Lost Glamour – The image of a fabulous party with shawls and cigarette holders represents a pre-pandemic world of excitement that the speaker longs for but cannot access. It’s a fantasy that underscores her present emptiness.
Why This Chapter Matters
This poem crystallizes the central tension in Cohen’s collection: the gap between curated, aspirational modern life and the raw, anxious reality beneath. It captures a specific pandemic moment – the constant sex with a partner, the string cheese, the binge-watching of Love Island – while asking universal questions about aliveness and connection. The poem’s self-deprecating humor (worrying about cereal expiring, putting wrong gas in the car) prevents the existential dread from becoming maudlin. It shows how Cohen uses specific, often absurd details to access deeper truths about intimacy, loneliness, and the performance of self.
Study Questions and Answers
1. Why does the speaker bring up vaginismus only to dismiss it?
She uses it to illustrate a pattern of blaming her body for relationship failures when the real issue was emotional – she simply was not attracted to her ex. This moment highlights the poem’s theme of misattributed anxiety and the way women are taught to pathologize their own bodies before questioning partners.
2. How does the Love Island analogy function in the poem?
By telling her therapist the rules of the reality show, the speaker equates her upstate isolation with being a contestant trapped in a villa. Both settings enforce a stylized, surveilled intimacy, and she wonders how life will feel “different back on the outside” – implying she cannot imagine a return to normalcy.
3. What is the significance of the final image – sleeping in the cold spots?
The cold spots of the house represent discomfort and imperfection. Choosing to sleep there together rather than in a warmer part is a deliberate act of shared vulnerability. It suggests that true intimacy is not about seeking comfort but about willingly enduring hardship side by side.