Chapter 51: poem I wrote after another exquisite morning on my phone

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

The chapter is a single poem titled "poem I wrote after another exquisite morning on my phone." The speaker reflects on her complicated relationship with food and dieting, beginning with the simple pleasure of a bagel with butter and then moving into a critique of diet culture. She mocks the idea that dieting means eating endless eggs until you long for life before them. She confesses her love for both eating and drinking and resists being categorized by any single wellness philosophy. The speaker admits she has been trying to lose the same twelve pounds for fourteen years and doubts she will ever succeed. A memory surfaces: in college, her boyfriend once used the word "ruminate," and she did not know what it meant. He explained it to her in the dining hall. The poem cuts to the present, where she can have sex with that same partner whenever she wants, and when she is away, she watches porn on her phone. She ends by mocking the cliché that women cannot have it all, since she clearly does.

Key Events

The speaker questions why a bagel with butter tastes so good, calling it a sensation that should "go viral."
She satirizes diet regimens that revolve around eggs, suggesting they lead to tears and nostalgia for pre-egg life.
She admits she cannot decide between intermittent fasting, intuitive eating, or just endlessly thinking about food.
She reveals she has been trying to lose the same twelve pounds for fourteen years and is beginning to accept she might not.
She recalls a college memory: her boyfriend used the word "ruminate," she didn't understand it, and he explained it in the dining hall.
The poem shifts to the present: she now has regular sex with that partner and watches porn on her phone when traveling.
She ends with a sarcastic rhetorical question: "they say women can't have it all????????grow up."

Character Development

The Speaker: The speaker is introspective, self-deprecating, and candid. She exposes long-held insecurities about body image and food obsession while also asserting her sexual agency. The memory of not knowing the word "ruminate" shows a vulnerable, younger self who has since grown into someone who can joke about her own conflicts. She evolves from a confused college student into a woman who openly enjoys both food and sex without apology.
The Ex-Boyfriend / Current Partner: This character appears only through the speaker's recollection and current relationship. In college he explained the meaning of "ruminate" to her; now he is a sexual partner whom she can access whenever she wants. He functions as a steady figure across time, contrasting with the speaker's chaotic inner life.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Diet Culture and Body Obsession: The poem directly critiques the absurdity of modern diet trends—particularly the emphasis on eggs and the endless cycle of trying to lose the same weight for years. The bagel with butter represents simple, guilt-free pleasure that diets forbid.
The Smartphone as a Lens: The title and the porn-on-phone detail frame modern life through the smartphone. The phone mediates morning experience, memory (the poem is "after another exquisite morning on my phone"), and private desire (porn).
Language and Understanding: The word "ruminate" ties the college memory to the present. Ruminating means to think deeply, but the speaker is stuck in a pattern of obsessive thought about food. That she didn't know the word then contrasts with the poem's own wordplay and self-consciousness.
Having It All: The final lines mock the idea that women must choose between career, love, food, and sex. The speaker claims she already has sex, food, and a partner—implying the dichotomy is a false construction.

Why This Chapter Matters

This poem encapsulates many of the book's concerns: modern anxiety, body image, the clash between self-care and self-indulgence, and the often absurd tone of digital life. It shows Cohen's skill at turning a seemingly trivial morning on the phone into a layered meditation on desire, regret, and satisfaction. The poem also bridges personal history (the college boyfriend) with present-day intimacy, giving the speaker a sense of continuity and growth. It matters because it questions whether we ever truly outgrow our teenage body hang-ups, even as we gain sexual and emotional freedom.

Study Questions and Answers

1. Why does the speaker mention the word "ruminate" and its backstory?
The word "ruminate" links intellectual understanding to emotional processing. In college she didn't know the word; now she is stuck in a rumination loop about food and weight. The dining-hall setting connects food to language. The memory shows both her past ignorance and her current self-awareness, highlighting how much—and how little—has changed.

2. How does the poem use humor to critique diet culture?
Humor appears in absurd exaggerations: dieting means eating "as many eggs as you can / until you cry because you miss life before all the eggs." The idea that a simple bagel should "go viral" mocks influencer food trends. The confession that she has tried to lose the same twelve pounds for fourteen years is both funny and sad, undercutting the seriousness of diet-obsession.

3. What does the final line "grow up" suggest about the poem's argument?
The line is directed at anyone who says "women can't have it all." The speaker, by contrast, has food, sex, a partner, and her phone—she has it all right now. "Grow up" dismisses the cliché as childish. It suggests that the real obstacle is not a lack of options but the internalized guilt and cultural messaging that tell women they must choose.