Chapter 40 Summary & Analysis: "it’s worse than I thought"

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

The speaker enters a newly opened Starbucks on 15th and 9th streets, noting its unfamiliar features: flatbreads, espresso station, full-service bar, gender-neutral bathrooms with slanted sinks. She contrasts the mundane activity around her—a woman from Belgium tying her hair, street signs, other customers—with the absence of a former lover. Everyone acts as if her presence is ordinary, but she finds this strange. She calls the ex while wine-drunk and humid, wanting to demand respect without begging. She tries to frame the call as mature communication, buying kettle chips and wheat beer with a credit card to prove her normalcy. The poem ends with the realization that feeling on fire is acceptable, especially if it’s embarrassing.

Key Events

The speaker observes a new Starbucks location, listing its amenities (flatbreads, espresso station, bar, gender-neutral bathrooms).
She notes that the environment—street signs, a woman from Belgium, the Starbucks—does not know about her ex.
She feels that her presence in the Starbucks should be astonishing, but no one reacts.
She calls her ex while drunk, attempting to sound composed and respectful.
She buys snack items (kettle chips, wheat beer) with a credit card to reinforce a sense of normalcy.
The poem concludes with the speaker embracing embarrassment as a sign of authenticity.

Character Development

The speaker’s inner conflict deepens in this chapter. She tries to perform emotional maturity—labeling herself a “communicator” and “mature”—but the act of calling while drunk betrays her vulnerability. The contrast between the mundane public setting (Starbucks) and her private turmoil highlights her isolation. Instead of suppressing pain, she begins to accept that the discomfort of “feeling on fire” is valid. This marks a subtle shift from avoidance to willingness to sit with awkward emotions.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs Actually Evidenced Here

Urban Anonymity and Loneliness

The city carries on indifferently. Street signs, chain stores, and strangers are oblivious to the speaker’s heartbreak. The new Starbucks, with its trendy amenities (flatbreads, slanted “fuck-me sinks”), represents sterile modernity—a space designed for efficiency, not human connection.

The Performance of Maturity

The speaker tries to act grown-up: using a credit card, telling herself she’s “not begging.” Yet the act of calling while drunk reveals the gap between the role she wants to play and her real emotional need. The poem critiques the idea that maturity means hiding vulnerability.

Embarrassment as Honesty

The closing lines argue that feeling on fire is acceptable if it’s embarrassing. Embarrassment here becomes a marker of sincerity—a sign that the feeling is real, not performed. This reframes social discomfort as a potential path to self-acceptance.

Consumerism as Emotional Distraction

Buying kettle chips and wheat beer becomes a ritual to ground herself. The credit card transaction is a tiny assertion of control in a situation where she feels powerless. Yet the purchase fails to erase the underlying ache.

Why This Chapter Matters

“it’s worse than I thought” captures the precise moment when the speaker admits that her own strategies for coping are failing. She had hoped to be stronger or less affected, but the chapter title confesses that the emotional situation has deteriorated. The poem is a turning point in the collection because it moves from deflection (blaming the city, the ex) to a raw acknowledgment of ongoing pain. It also introduces the idea that embracing embarrassment might be more honest than pretending to be fine. This theme recurs later in the book as the speaker continues to navigate modern love and loneliness.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does the setting of the new Starbucks contribute to the speaker’s sense of alienation? The Starbucks is described in excessive detail—flatbreads, espresso station, bar, gender-neutral bathrooms. This hyper-specific cataloguing emphasizes that the space is designed for a generic customer, not for someone in crisis. The fact that “everyone in this starbucks / is acting like my being in this starbucks / isn’t the craziest thing in the world” highlights the mismatch between the speaker’s internal drama and the world’s indifference. The setting amplifies her loneliness because she feels invisible in plain sight.

2. What does the line “if it’s embarrassing it’s probably good” suggest about the speaker’s emotional growth? This line suggests that the speaker is beginning to value authentic feeling over social poise. Earlier in the poem she tries to control her image (using phrases like “I’m a communicator, I’m mature”). By the end, she accepts that genuine emotional upheaval may be awkward but is healthier than repression. It implies a shift toward self-compassion and a rejection of the pressure to appear flawless.

3. Why does the speaker mention buying “kettle chips and wheat beer / with a credit card”? What does this detail reveal? The purchase is an attempt to anchor herself in ordinary adult behavior. Using a credit card implies financial independence and routine consumption. Yet the specificity of the items (not just any chips or beer) hints at a desire for comfort through familiar brand choices. The detail reveals that she is trying to prove to herself that she is functional—“there’s nothing wrong”—even as she calls her ex drunk. It exposes the gap between performing normalcy and feeling out of control.