Chapter 58: Poem I Wrote After I Made You Tell Me I Was Sexy Four Times Today

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

The speaker opens by confessing that quarantine has become an ideal opportunity to slip back into the most base and unpleasant version of herself—one she had spent years trying to outgrow. She describes passing time by reading a book about the scientist who discovered the color mauve and by searching for vintage wallpaper online. She asks not to be told what day it is, acknowledging her impatience and admitting she does not know how to let go of things. The poem then broadens into a series of observations about modern life: people encourage self-care only as long as it is convenient for them; Twitter is full of outrage by design; a trainer once suggested she reduce her drinking from four drinks in one night to four drinks in one week, and she responded with sarcastic agreement. The speaker catalogs stereotypical male behaviors—enjoying haircuts, using analogies, and treating arguments as philosophy. The poem closes with a specific social-media moment: a man who once wronged her has now liked her comment on a mutual friend’s Instagram post. She reminds herself (and the reader) that she is almost thirty.

Key Events

The speaker makes her partner tell her she is sexy four times in a single day.
She reverts, by her own admission, to a worse version of herself during quarantine.
She reads about the discovery of mauve and researches vintage wallpaper.
She refuses to know the current date.
She recalls a trainer’s advice about spreading drinks across a week.
She lists qualities she associates with young men: haircuts, analogies, and pseudo-philosophical arguing.
She notes that a man who previously hurt her has liked her Instagram comment.
She states her age: almost thirty.

Character Development

The speaker presents herself as self-aware yet unable to stop her own regressive behavior. She dramatizes a tension between wanting to grow and enjoying the comfort of familiar flaws. Her admission of demanding validation—needing to be called sexy repeatedly—lays bare her insecurity and her reliance on external affirmation. The poem also shows her observing gender dynamics from a wary, somewhat sardonic distance: the men she describes are defined by shallow signifiers, and the man who wronged her remains in her online orbit. The closing note of “almost thirty” hints at a looming milestone that amplifies her frustration with her own stasis.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Validation and Insecurity: The act of insisting on being called sexy four times embodies a deeper hunger for reassurance that no single compliment can satisfy.
Quarantine as Regression: The speaker blames quarantine for allowing her to slide into old, unhealthy patterns, suggesting that isolation strips away social progress.
Self-Care Critique: The line about people liking self-care only when it is convenient takes aim at the performative nature of wellness culture.
Print Media and Nostalgia: The mauve book and vintage wallpaper act as symbols of retreat into a curated, pre-digital aesthetic, a contrast to the messiness of Instagram and Twitter.
Gender Performance: The list of “boys love” behaviors reduces male social habits to a formula, hinting at the speaker’s frustration with predictable dynamics.
Digital Age Haunting: The former wrongdoer’s Instagram like is a small, ambiguous gesture that carries unresolved emotional weight, showing how social media keeps past relationships alive.

Why This Chapter Matters

This poem crystallizes many of the collection’s central tensions: the struggle between self-improvement and self-sabotage, the corrosive need for external validation, and the strange intimacy of digital life. Cohen uses a casual, confessional tone to explore how small acts—asking for a compliment, scrolling wallpaper, noticing a like—can reveal large insecurities. The chapter matters because it offers a contemporary mirror for readers who have felt their own worst habits intensify in isolation, and it does so without moralizing. The speaker is not a cautionary tale but a recognizable voice, sardonic yet vulnerable. In the arc of the book, this poem deepens the portrait of a young woman navigating the gap between how she wants to be seen and how she actually behaves.

Study Questions and Answers

1. Why does the speaker insist on being called “sexy” four times? What does this number suggest?
The number four implies that no single reassurance is enough; the speaker needs repeated proof of her desirability. This ritual reveals a core insecurity and a compulsive need for validation that even her partner’s compliance cannot fully satisfy. The wording “made you tell me” also suggests an element of coercion, underlining how neediness can strain intimacy.

2. How does the reference to “the guy who discovered the color mauve” function in the poem?
The reference to mauve—a dye discovered accidentally in the mid-19th century—contrasts the speaker’s aimless quarantine activities with a moment of historical discovery. It also evokes a specific, niche curiosity that feels both intellectual and trivial, mirroring the way she fills time with random research to avoid confronting her emotional state.

3. What is the significance of closing with “I’m almost / thirty”?
The line ties the poem’s regressive behavior to a specific age anxiety. Turning thirty often symbolizes expected maturity, yet the speaker admits to acting in ways she thought she had outgrown. The statement acts as both a self-rebuke and a resigned observation that age does not automatically bring emotional stability, especially in the isolating context of quarantine.