Chapter 46: “poem I wrote after I had a dream Jessica Simpson took me ‘under her wing’”

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

The chapter consists of a single poem. The speaker describes cutting her boyfriend’s hair while livestreaming on Instagram, which gives her a fleeting sense of community and an adrenaline rush. She references Spotify recommending Vivaldi for working from home and admits she dreads the end of something before it begins. Banal details follow: a shortage of toilet paper, ordering a bejeweled headband online, and asking her boyfriend—after drinking pea milk—if he wants to marry her. She says she would say no if he asked, and he replies that that’s okay because it’s a big decision. The speaker then lists things she misses: Starbucks food, the shuttle at LAX, and crying in Italy while listening to Norman Fucking Rockwell on repeat. She recalls counting down the hours until her partner would pick her up at Gatwick (not a surprise, because she had asked him to), which upset him because he had planned to do it anyway.

Key Events

The speaker cuts her boyfriend’s hair on Instagram Live, gaining community and adrenaline.
She references Spotify recommending Vivaldi as work-from-home music.
She announces the end of toilet paper and an online order for a bejeweled headband.
After drinking pea milk, she asks her boyfriend if he wants to marry her.
She volunteers that she would reject a proposal; he responds calmly.
She lists three nostalgic regrets: Starbucks food, LAX shuttle, crying in Italy.
She recounts waiting for her partner at Gatwick—a pickup she asked for, which frustrated his planned surprise.

Character Development

The poem offers a snapshot of the speaker’s mindset rather than linear growth. She oscillates between seeking external validation (Instagram Live, a headband) and confronting domestic intimacy (the marriage conversation). Her admission that she would say no to a proposal, followed by her partner’s placid acceptance, reveals a relationship comfortable with ambivalence. The memory of crying in Italy and then micromanaging a Gatwick pickup shows a pattern of controlling emotional outcomes—she wants the gesture but cannot stand uncertainty.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Performance of intimacy: Cutting her boyfriend’s hair on Instagram Live turns a private act into public spectacle, blurring authenticity and connection.
Modern ennui: Pea milk, Spotify algorithms, and bejeweled headbands signify a hyper-mediated life where consumption replaces genuine satisfaction.
Dread of endings: The line “dread the end / of something before it starts” captures anticipatory anxiety about relationships, trips, and possibly the poem itself.
Nostalgia as refuge: Missing Starbucks, the LAX shuttle, and a tearful Italian holiday suggests the speaker romanticises the past even when that past was painful.
Control vs. spontaneity: The Gatwick incident—asking for a pickup that was already planned—illustrates how the speaker’s need for certainty can frustrate a partner’s romantic impulse.

Why This Chapter Matters

This poem condenses several preoccupations of God I Feel Modern Tonight: the tension between digital self-presentation and genuine emotion, the absurdity of contemporary consumer rituals, and the difficulty of committing to love while craving independence. It also shows Cohen’s ability to find poetry in quotidian details—pea milk, headbands, shuttle buses—and turn them into emblems of a generation’s anxious nostalgia.

Study Questions & Answers

1. How does the poem use objects and brand names (Spotify, Starbucks, Instagram Live) to explore the speaker’s emotional state? Answer: The speaker relies on branded experiences (Starbucks food, the LAX shuttle) as anchors for memory and identity. Spotify’s algorithm (“work from home with Vivaldi”) suggests that even relaxation is curated by technology. These references reveal a selfhood constructed through consumer choices, and the loss of those familiar markers (toilet paper shortage, missed Starbucks) triggers a vague dread.

2. What does the marriage conversation reveal about the relationship power dynamic? Answer: The speaker initiates the question while drinking pea milk—a trivial context that deflates the topic’s weight. She pre-emptively rejects marriage (“I would say no if he asked”), and her boyfriend responds with casual acceptance. This dynamic shows the speaker controlling the terms of commitment while also seeking reassurance; his lack of reaction may indicate emotional distance or a maturity that doesn’t take her provocation seriously.

3. Why does the speaker mention that the Gatwick pickup “upset” her partner because he was “going to, whether or not I asked”? Answer: This final twist critiques the speaker’s own need for control. By asking for the pickup, she robbed her partner of the chance to surprise her—a gesture he had already planned. The line underscores a central theme: the speaker sabotages spontaneous romance by demanding visible proof of love, leaving her unsatisfied with both outcomes.