poem I wrote after you told me your ex is “actually really cool”

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

The chapter is a single, free-verse poem triggered by hearing that a romantic partner’s ex is “actually really cool.” Rather than addressing the remark directly, the speaker recalls a seemingly unrelated incident from 2013: inserting a tampon in the back seat of a car on the way to a Nickelback concert. She agrees to the concert only because her friend Ted asked her. This admission leads her to confess that she is addicted to male attention, even when it is platonic. She then states plainly that she does not like Nickelback; instead, she prefers songs that have a surf-rock sound but lyrics that express despair. The poem closes with the speaker wishing she were smart rather than constantly absorbed in her phone.

The narrative arc moves from an embarrassing, low-stakes memory toward self-reflection on patterns of seeking approval and struggling with authenticity. The final shift—from outward critique of music taste to inward regret about smartphone habits—anchors the speaker’s vulnerability in a relatable modern anxiety.

Key Events

The triggering remark: An unnamed “you” tells the speaker that an ex-partner is “actually really cool.”
Recall of a 2013 memory: The speaker remembers inserting a tampon in a car on the way to a Nickelback concert.
Reason for attending: She goes only because her friend Ted asks; she does not like the band.
Self-diagnosis: She admits she is “addicted to male attention,” even when that attention is purely friendly.
Taste description: The speaker contrasts Nickelback with her own musical preference—songs that sound like surfing but carry bleak, suicidal lyrics.
Closing wish: She longs to be intelligent instead of distracted by her phone, implying a desire for substance over superficial comforts.

Character Development

Although no named characters appear beyond “Ted,” the speaker undergoes subtle internal development. Initially, she deflects the sting of the ex comparison with an absurd memory. By confessing her addiction to male attention, she shows self-awareness and a willingness to examine her own motives. The admission about music taste further reveals a persona that performs casualness but actually wrestles with melancholy. The final line—wishing to be smart instead of on her phone—hints at a desire to grow, even if she is not yet changing her habits. The poem presents a speaker who is both brutally honest about her flaws and helplessly stuck in them.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Insecurity and comparison: The entire poem is a reaction to being compared (or comparing herself) to an ex. The speaker’s deflection suggests she feels inadequate.
Male attention: The speaker explicitly identifies her craving for male validation as an addiction, framing it as a compulsion that shapes her choices.
Absurdity as emotional armor: The vivid tampon-and-Nickelback anecdote works as a comedic buffer against a more painful feeling—jealousy or hurt.
Authenticity vs. performance: She admits she doesn’t like Nickelback but went anyway, performing like a person she is not. Her real tastes (surf-sounding songs with death-wish lyrics) point to a truer, more troubled self.
Digital distraction: The final line critiques phone addiction as a barrier to intelligence or depth, tying modern technology to avoidance of real emotions.

Why This Chapter Matters

This brief poem encapsulates Catherine Cohen’s signature blend of confessional humor and raw vulnerability. It demonstrates how a small, embarrassing memory can be a vehicle for unpacking larger emotional truths—here, the jealousy and insecurity that surface when a partner mentions an ex. The chapter also introduces a recurring tension in the collection: the conflict between seeking external validation and wanting to be a more authentic, thoughtful person. Its placement after Chapter 11 (“poem I wrote after I was scrolling on my phone instead of doing important work”) reinforces the motif of digital escapism and self-critique. For readers, it offers a concise case study in how Cohen uses mundane details to explore modern womanhood.

Study Questions and Answers

What specific memory does the speaker recall, and how is it connected to the remark about the ex?
The speaker recalls inserting a tampon in a car on the way to a Nickelback concert in 2013. The memory is not directly connected to the ex comment—it serves as a humorous, distracting mental jump. This evasion suggests that the mention of the ex stings, and the speaker copes by retreating into an embarrassing, seemingly unrelated anecdote.
Why does the speaker say she went to the Nickelback concert, and what does this reveal about her motivations?
She went because her friend Ted asked. She then admits she is addicted to male attention, even when it’s platonic. This reveals that her willingness to do things she dislikes is driven by a need for approval from men, highlighting her insecurity and lack of autonomy.
How does the speaker describe her preferred music, and what does this contrast say about her personality?
She says she likes songs that sound like surfing but have lyrics like “I wanna die.” This contrast between an upbeat, carefree sound and bleak content mirrors her own public persona versus private emotions: she may appear laid-back or funny but actually harbors darker feelings. The preference also distances her from the mainstream taste represented by Nickelback.