Chapter 4: poem I wrote after I went to Tuscany to journal about my toxic guitar teacher

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Chapter 4 presents a single poem whose title signals its origin: a trip to Tuscany undertaken to process a toxic relationship with the speaker’s guitar teacher. The poem opens with a seemingly cheerful observation that swimming is a great way to stop looking at your phone, quickly undercut by the speaker’s admission that she woke up early “as a cry for help.” She expected oranges in the sunrise and was promised the Upper West Side – neither materializes in Tuscany. The speaker feels ignored by polo horses, then reveals that she “had sex in these woods,” reflecting on sex as something messy and primal, distinct from the clean experience of swimming. The poem ends by repeating the swimming line, creating a circular structure that returns to the initial escape.

Key Events

Speaker wakes up early in Tuscany, hoping for a picturesque sunrise but finds no “oranges.”
She notes that she was promised oranges and the Upper West Side – a promise unmet by the Tuscan reality.
Lonely polo horses ignore her, amplifying her sense of isolation.
She confesses to having had sex in the same woods, characterizing sex as “the biggest, baddest thing” and as something messy (“slime and guts, and romance if you’re drunk”).
She contrasts sex with swimming, implying swimming is a cleaner, more solitary escape.

Character Development

The Speaker: This poem reveals a speaker who is ironically self-aware. She attempts to heal through an idealized pastoral retreat (Tuscany) but finds it empty of the romantic promises she carried with her. Her admission of sex in the woods suggests a pattern of using physical intimacy to cope or rebel, yet she disparages that experience. The speaker is caught between a need for distraction (phone, swimming) and a desire for authentic connection – which fails to materialize.
The Toxic Guitar Teacher: The teacher is not present in the poem but is the catalyst. The motivation for the trip – “to journal about my toxic guitar teacher” – frames the poem as an attempt to process a manipulative or harmful relationship. The teacher’s absence highlights that the speaker’s emotional turmoil persists even when she physically removes herself.
The Polo Horses: Though non-human, the horses function as a character by their refusal to “come say hi,” reinforcing the speaker’s sense of rejection in a place that was supposed to offer comfort.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Disappointment and Unfulfilled Promise: The repeated word “promised” (oranges, Upper West Side) captures the gap between expectation and reality. Tuscany was supposed to be a picturesque, healing landscape, but it delivers only loneliness.
Escape vs. Confrontation: The speaker uses swimming to avoid her phone (modern distraction) and travel to avoid her teacher, yet the real problem (sexual experience, emotional mess) follows her into the woods. The poem suggests that you cannot outrun your inner life.
Sex as Primitive and Anti-Romantic: Sex is described as “slime and guts,” stripped of romance unless alcohol is involved. This raw depiction contrasts with the sanitized ideal of “swimming” – a clean, solo activity that leaves no emotional residue.
Irony and Self-Deprecation: The title is absurdly long and self-aware. The speaker mocks her own project (“to journal about my toxic guitar teacher”) and admits early rising is “a cry for help.” The tone is wry rather than earnest, typical of Catherine Cohen’s modern confessional style.
Nature vs. Technology: The opening line directly opposes swimming (nature) and being on your phone (technology). The poem implies that nature fails to provide the escape that technology also cannot give.

Why This Chapter Matters

In the collection God I Feel Modern Tonight, this poem illustrates Cohen’s signature blend of millennial angst, humor, and raw honesty. It demonstrates how a cliché self-care trip (journaling in Tuscany) can become a vehicle for examining deeper patterns of toxic relationships and self-sabotage. The poem’s brevity and circular structure mirror the way unhealthy cycles repeat themselves. For readers, it offers a compact example of Cohen’s voice: confessional, ironic, and unwilling to romanticize either love or landscape. It also connects to other poems in the book that grapple with urban identity (the Upper West Side) and the messiness of modern romance.

Study Questions and Answers

1. Why does the speaker say she woke up early “as a cry for help”?
The speaker likely hoped that the Tuscan sunrise would provide a healing, picturesque moment. The early waking is a performative attempt to force that experience, but the sunrise fails to deliver the expected “oranges.” The phrase reveals that even her efforts at self-care are tinged with desperation and awareness that she is struggling.

2. How does the poem use repetition to reinforce its themes?
The poem opens and closes with the same line about swimming being an amazing way to stop being on your phone. This circular repetition suggests that the speaker ends where she began – still looking for an escape. It also emphasizes that the swimming metaphor (clean, solitary) is undercut by the messy reality of sex and disappointment that occupies the middle of the poem.

3. What does the speaker mean by “I was promised oranges” and “I was promised the upper west side”?
These lines imply that the speaker had specific expectations for her Tuscan retreat – perhaps fed by travel brochures or romantic fantasies (oranges as a symbol of Mediterranean warmth). The Upper West Side reference ties to her home in New York City, suggesting she wanted Tuscany to provide a similar sense of belonging or identity. Neither promise is fulfilled, highlighting how place cannot solve internal problems.