Chaperoned Courtship and Modern Tradition in That Can Be Arranged

Defining the Thematic Claim

In That Can Be Arranged, Huda Fahmy presents chaperoned courtship not as a rigid relic but as a lived negotiation between Islamic tradition and contemporary American life. The memoir’s central claim is that a halal (permissible) path to marriage can honor religious boundaries while still embracing personal choice, romantic chemistry, and modern communication tools. Rather than portraying arranged marriage as passive submission, Huda shows herself as an active agent—weighing suitors, setting conditions, and ultimately choosing a partner with whom she feels a spiritual and emotional connection. This thematic thread weaves through the entire narrative, from childhood lessons to the final wedding celebration.

Tracing the Theme Across the Plot

Early Rules and the First Encounters (Chapters 3–4)

The theme first appears in Huda’s childhood understanding of “the rules.” At age five, after her crush breaks her doll Penny’s voice box, she recalls the strict gender guidelines she was taught: no being alone, no touching, no staring, no joking, and no dating. This moment establishes the religious framework that will govern all her future relationships. As a teenager, Huda watches friends meet suitors through family networks and begs her parents to arrange something for her. Her parents’ reluctance and the parade of mismatched suitors—the Yes Man, the Shopper, the Simply Incompatible—reveal that the system is imperfect. Huda’s first attempt at chaperoned courtship ends in silence when the suitor doesn’t call back. This early failure highlights the tension between ideal rules and messy reality, a contradiction the memoir never glosses over.

Qadr and the Shift to Agency (Chapters 7–8)

By age twenty-five, Huda has grown tired of waiting for a match to appear at weddings. She considers abandoning the system entirely but chooses to trust in God (qadr) and focus on self-improvement. This internal turning point is crucial: chaperoned courtship, she realizes, works best when she stops molding herself to please others. When she attends an Islamic studies conference, she meets Gehad—not through a nosy mother but through Sheikh Z, a religious advisor. The sheikh’s blunt counsel—“marrying someone at a much higher spiritual level” may feel intimidating—forces Huda to confront her fears of inadequacy. This conversation becomes one of “the most important conversations of my life,” according to the memoir. Here, tradition (seeking a sheikh’s help) blends with modernity (Huda taking the initiative to approach the sheikh and later follow up). The meeting is not left to chance; it is orchestrated within the community’s religious framework but driven by Huda’s personal determination.

The Courtship Unfolds: Chaperones, Emails, and Love Letters (Chapters 9–10)

The actual courtship with Gehad is a dense illustration of the modern-tradition blend. Biodata is exchanged—a “super-detailed Tinder profile” that includes everything from religious values to favorite Pokémon. Gehad calls Huda’s father, who is “as tough on him as I’d come to expect (and want).” Their first date is at home, chaperoned. The couple schedules regular calls and emails, with Huda’s mother and later her hypervigilant sister CC’d on every message. Huda wryly redefines “CC” as “Chaperone’s Copy,” turning a digital convention into a family oversight tool. Their long emails function as modern love letters, allowing private intimacy within a public structure. Huda feels an “undeniable” soul recognition, referencing the Islamic belief that souls meet before earthly life. This spiritual dimension legitimizes the emotional connection formed under chaperonage. The theme reaches its climax when they arrange “THE date”—the formal step toward marriage, a phrase that signals both romantic significance and procedural finality.

Character and Symbol Connections

Protagonist as Negotiator

Huda’s character arc embodies the thematic claim. She evolves from a girl who “would rather be single for the rest of my life than be stuck in a horrible marriage” into a woman who actively shapes her own arranged match. Her relationship with her parents is key: she values their approval and uses their vetting skills to weed out unsuitable men. Yet she also pushes back when necessary—for instance, taking matters into her own hands after her mother doubts Gehad. The father’s rigorous screening and the mother’s skepticism are not obstacles but integral parts of the process. Gehad, too, participates in the system by calling Huda’s dad, respecting family authority while pursuing his own interest.

Symbols of Transition

Penny the doll with the broken voice box symbolizes the shattering of naive romantic fantasy. Huda’s childhood crush literally silences her beloved toy, teaching her that love without rules can break things. Later, the hijab appears not as a plot device but as a constant visual reminder of her identity—she never draws herself without it, even in private. The hijab anchors the courtship: it is public declaration of faith that shapes how she is perceived and how she participates in the partner search. The zaghrouta (ululation) at her kitab ceremony subverts expectations. Instead of behaving demurely, Huda makes her own loud entrance, reclaiming a traditional celebratory sound as a personal assertion of joy. The kitab and walima are the structural endpoints of the courtship, showing that the religious and social dimensions of marriage are separate but linked. The kitab (legal contract) happens months before the walima (reception), allowing the couple to exist as husband and wife in private while publicly celebrating later.

Complexity and Contradiction

The memoir acknowledges that chaperoned courtship is not a perfect system. Huda describes the pressure of community timelines—if you aren’t married by twenty-one, “something must be wrong with you.” The constant scrutiny from “nosy moms” at weddings feels oppressive. And the first suitor experience shows that even a chaperoned meeting can fail if one party is not ready. Most significantly, Huda’s own parents divorce during the years she is waiting to marry, challenging the notion that arranged matches guarantee happiness.

Yet Huda never rejects the framework. She critiques its flaws from within, arguing that forced marriage is not Islam and that personal consent is paramount. The contradiction is productive: tradition provides structure, but modern tools (email, phone calls, personal choice) fill the emotional gaps. Huda does not simply accept what is arranged; she arranges it herself. The chaperone is not a jailer but a safety net. Even the CC’d emails, initially a nuisance, become a way to share her love story with her family. The final image of her dancing at her walima (though she remembers little) emphasizes that the goal of the entire process is not merely a contract but a joyful partnership.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Huda’s interpretation of “no dating” differ from the typical Western dating model?
In Western dating, couples often spend private, unsupervised time together to test compatibility before committing. Huda’s interpretation replaces that with chaperoned meetings, family involvement, and a clear intention toward marriage. She and Gehad cannot be alone; every call and email is monitored. Yet this structure does not prevent romantic feelings—it channels them into a serious, religiously sanctioned path.

2. What role does the character of Sheikh Z play in advancing the thematic claim?
Sheikh Z serves as a bridge between community authority and personal agency. Huda approaches him voluntarily, not because her family insisted. His advice—that marrying someone spiritually more advanced may feel intimidating—helps her identify her own fears. He does not arrange the match himself but empowers Huda to articulate her standards. This reflects the memoir’s claim that tradition can be a tool for self-discovery, not just rule-following.

3. In what ways do modern technologies (email, phone calls) both uphold and challenge traditional chaperonage?
Email and phone calls allow Huda and Gehad to communicate regularly and at length, which traditional face-to-face chaperoned meetings might not allow. The CC rule (copying her mom or sister on emails) upholds the principle of transparency. However, the volume and intimacy of the emails challenge the chaperone’s ability to monitor everything. Huda jokes that her mom never had time to read the long “love letters,” suggesting a playful subversion within the rules.

4. How does the symbol of the zaghrouta (ululation) comment on Huda’s relationship with tradition?
The zaghrouta is a traditional celebratory sound made by women at weddings. By making her own zaghrouta during the kitab, Huda actively participates in that tradition rather than passively receiving it. This moment defies the expectation that a bride should be demure. It shows that she can honor custom while also asserting her personality and joy—a microcosm of her entire courtship approach.

5. Why does Huda’s parents’ divorce appear in the same narrative arc as her own courtship? What does this juxtaposition suggest?
The divorce happens during the four-year gap when Huda is focused on self-improvement. It serves as a realistic counterpoint to the romantic success story. Huda does not pretend that arranged marriages are immune to failure. The juxtaposition suggests that the chaperoned courtship model depends as much on the individuals’ character and effort as on the structure. Her parents’ experience underscores her earlier vow to avoid a miserable marriage, reinforcing that consent and compatibility—not just procedure—are essential.