Arranged Versus Forced Marriage: Choice and Agency in That Can Be Arranged

Defining the Thematic Claim

In That Can Be Arranged, Huda Fahmy draws a sharp line between two concepts often conflated by outsiders: arranged marriage and forced marriage. From the opening “Dear Reader” letter, she states plainly that forced marriage is not allowed in Islam and that her own experience was one of choice, supported by family and faith. This distinction forms the thematic backbone of the memoir: an arranged marriage, when practiced with full consent and the preservation of personal agency, can be a fulfilling and empowering path. Huda’s journey—from a five-year-old with a crushed crush to a 26-year-old signing her own marriage contract—demonstrates that the key variable is not the method of introduction but the presence of genuine choice at every stage.

Tracing the Theme Across the Plot

Early Boundaries and First Suitors (Chapters 3–4)

The rules of gender relations Huda learns as a child—no dating, no touching, no being alone—might seem restrictive, but they also create a framework in which marriage is deliberate rather than casual. When her first crush breaks her beloved doll Penny, Huda’s disappointment is tempered by the recognition that these rules protect her. She decides she would rather live single than endure a miserable marriage, a radical act of self-preservation for a child. As a teenager, the community’s ticking clock (marriage by 21 or be declared “broken”) creates pressure, but Huda does not simply accept suitors passively. She begs her parents to arrange meetings, then finds the first suitor unready and uninteresting. Her parents were right—she wasn’t ready. This early episode establishes that the arranged process includes rejection; a “no” is not a failure of the system but a natural part of it.

The First Proposal and the Lesson of Self-Worth (Chapter 6)

Huda’s first real proposal comes from a coworker who, though initially flattering, reveals controlling behavior, lies, and disrespect toward her family. Her father, a “master interrogator,” disapproves. Here the thematic distinction becomes urgent: an arranged marriage is not a rubber stamp. Huda faces a genuine crisis, worried she may never get another chance. Yet she makes the hard decision to turn him down, a choice that requires more courage than acceptance. She reflects that she had tied her worth to being chosen; saying no frees her. This episode shows that the arranged system is not a conveyor belt—it includes rigorous vetting and the right to walk away. Huda’s father’s role as Huda’s father is crucial: his protection enables her choice, not by overriding it but by providing information and support.

Seeking a Partner Through Destiny and Deliberation (Chapters 7–8 and 10)

Years later, Huda attends an Islamic conference not to find a spouse but to study. Yet she encounters Gehad, and the concept of qadr (destiny) enters the narrative. She consults Sheikh Z, who gives her realistic advice about not seeking a partner at a “much higher spiritual level.” This conversation is pivotal: she actively participates in defining her standards, not passively waiting to be matched. When she and Gehad begin chaperoned calls and emails—with her mother and sister as email readers—the courtship is transparent and consensual. Huda feels an immediate soul-recognition, but that recognition does not bypass the process. They exchange traditional gifts, meet both sets of parents, and arrange “THE date.” Every step involves her active yes.

Asserting Identity in the Wedding (Chapter 11)

The wedding itself—the kitab (religious ceremony) and walima (reception)—becomes a final declaration of agency. Huda’s mother plans the event, but Huda subverts expectations by making her own loud zaghrouta (ululation) entrance instead of acting the shy, demure bride. She and Gehad sign the marriage contract, and she remembers little of the photographer’s work but treasures the joy of dancing at her wedding. The zaghrouta is not just a celebration—it is a symbol of Huda claiming her own voice within the arranged framework. The kitab and walima are formal structures, but her personality fills them. The wedding is not an ending but a beginning she chooses to start with a man “worth waiting for.”

Character and Symbol Connections

The theme of arranged versus forced marriage is carried not only through plot events but through recurring characters and symbols. Huda’s mother and father represent family facilitation without coercion. The mother’s wedding planning is not control but care; the father’s interrogation is protection, not obstruction. The first suitor (coworker) embodies the risk of the system—someone who might manipulate it—and Huda’s rejection confirms that the system itself is not the problem; the individual’s character and the woman’s agency are what matter.

The hijab is a related symbol of personal choice. Huda explains she never draws herself without it, even in private, because it is a conscious decision, not a restriction. Similarly, arranged marriage, when chosen, is an expression of identity, not a surrender. The doll Penny—whose voice box is broken by a boy—symbolizes the early violation of boundaries. That incident teaches Huda that her consent matters, even at five. The zaghrouta at her wedding ties back to this lesson: she will not be silenced or molded into a passive bride.

Complexity and Contradiction

Fahmy does not pretend that the arranged marriage system is flawless. She candidly portrays community pressure: grocery-store wedding magazines, nosy mothers at wedding “balls,” the implicit judgment of being unmarried past 21. Her parents’ own marriage was arranged (they met once and married a week later), yet her mother still encourages her to meet suitors and voice opinions. The memoir acknowledges that some families might force, but Huda’s loving parents do not. She also shows that the system can attract problematic men—the “Visa” seeker, the “Shopper,” the controlling coworker. But the solution, for Huda, is not to abandon the system but to refine her own discernment and rely on her family’s filter.

A potential contradiction lies in the role of qadr: if a match is destined, does agency matter? Huda resolves this by showing that destiny operates through her choices. She walks into the conference not looking for a husband; she chooses to talk to Sheikh Z; she chooses to respond to Gehad. The soul-meeting recognition does not override her need for chaperones, letters, and family approval. Fahmy thus presents a lived framework in which divine will and human volition coexist.

Another complexity is the balancing act between tradition and modernity. Huda reads Jane Austen and relates to 19th-century courtship rules, yet she also texts, emails, and participates in a bachelorette party. Her arranged marriage is not a throwback but an adaptation—a structure that respects faith and family while allowing her to be “funny,” “loud,” and outspoken.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Huda distinguish arranged marriage from forced marriage in the opening letter?
   Huda writes directly to readers that forced marriage is not permitted in Islam, while arranged marriage involves family facilitation but ultimately requires the woman’s consent. She emphasizes that her story is specific to her experience and should not be generalized to all Muslims.

2. What role does Huda’s father play in the arranged marriage process, and how does that support the theme of choice?
   Huda’s father acts as a “master interrogator” who carefully vets suitors. He disapproves of the first proposal, which Huda ultimately rejects. His role is protective, not controlling; he gives Huda information and guidance, empowering her to make an informed decision. His presence ensures the system is a safeguard, not a pressure cooker.

3. How does Huda’s rejection of her first proposal demonstrate her agency within an arranged framework?
   Despite community pressure and her own fear of never being asked again, Huda says no to a controlling, dishonest suitor. This decision forces her to confront her own self-worth. She realizes that marriage is not the end-all-be-all and that saying no to an unhealthy match is an act of strength, not failure.

4. What does the zaghrouta (ululation) symbolize in the context of Huda’s wedding?
   The zaghrouta is traditionally made by female guests to welcome the bride, but Huda chooses to make her own loud entrance instead of acting shy and demure. This act symbolizes her refusal to be a passive participant. She claims her own joy and personality within a formal ceremony, reinforcing that the arranged marriage is her marriage, not just a family transaction.

5. How does the concept of qadr (destiny) intersect with Huda’s active choices in seeking a spouse?
   Huda believes souls meet before earthly life, and she feels an instant recognition with Gehad. However, she does not treat destiny as passivity. She takes action—attending the conference, speaking to the sheikh, maintaining chaperoned communication—and makes conscious decisions at each step. Qadr provides a spiritual framework of trust, but Huda’s agency fills in the details. Destiny and choice work together, not in opposition.