Chosen Family in 'It Starts with Us': Bonds That Outlast Blood
Thematic Claim: Family Built, Not Born
In It Starts with Us, Colleen Hoover asserts that chosen family—relationships forged through conscious loyalty, care, and commitment—provides more stability and authenticity than biological ties alone. The novel traces how characters abandoned or harmed by blood relatives rediscover belonging through deliberate bonds, suggesting that family is defined not by DNA but by consistent acts of devotion. This theme is most powerfully embodied in Atlas Corrigan's relationship with his half-brother Josh, but it also extends through Lily Bloom's friendship with Allysa Kincaid and the extended network Atlas builds with Theo, Darin, and Brad. Together, these relationships form a counterpoint to the novel's depictions of toxic family systems, including Ryle's violence, Sutton's neglect, and Tim's abandonment. The thematic claim is clear: family is not something you inherit; it is something you build.
The Seedling: Atlas and Josh Create Their Own Tree
The most explicit expression of chosen family occurs in Chapter Thirty-One, when Atlas drives Josh to meet their biological father, Tim. After waiting across the street, Josh observes Tim emerging from his house—older, drinking beer, and driving a truck he could have used to visit Boston. Atlas admits he never knew his own father and offers brutal honesty: Tim is a capable man who simply never made an effort. This moment becomes a crucible for Josh's understanding of family.
Josh decides not to meet Tim and instead proposes drawing his family-tree homework as a baby seedling with only two branches: one for himself and one for Atlas. As he puts it, they will start a new family tree together, one that begins with the two of them. This image becomes the novel's central symbol of chosen family. The family tree drawing represents a new beginning, a family that starts intentionally rather than extending from flawed parents. Atlas reflects that Josh reminds him of himself, and devotion is a trait they share abundantly.
The completed homework appears in Chapter Thirty-Three, showing the seedling with two branches labeled Josh and Atlas. Atlas watches Josh sleep and realizes he is looking at him with the same pride Lily shows toward her daughter Emerson. This symbol recurs through the novel's final chapters, affirming that the bond between the brothers is more real and more durable than the biological connections they have rejected.
Lily and Allysa: A Sisterhood Forged in Crisis
While the novel focuses on romantic love, the friendship between Lily and Allysa exemplifies chosen family through loyalty that transcends blood. Despite being Ryle's sister, Allysa repeatedly chooses Lily's wellbeing over family allegiance. In Chapter Thirty-Two, Allysa orchestrates an intervention, forcing Ryle to face the consequences of his violence. She demands he attend anger management and accept supervised visits with Emerson.
This moment represents a profound act of chosen family: Allysa could have remained silent, protecting her brother, but instead she actively supports Lily's safety and autonomy. Their friendship, built on years of shared work at the flower shop and mutual trust, proves more reliable than the biological bond between Allysa and Ryle. Lily cries in relief after Ryle agrees to the terms, grateful for Allysa and Marshall's support. Later, Allysa's husband Marshall facilitates a peaceful custody exchange, returning Emerson to Atlas in the parking garage—another act of trust within this chosen network.
Chosen Family Expands: Atlas, Lily, and Emerson
By the novel's conclusion, chosen family expands to include Lily and her daughter Emerson. In Chapter Twenty-Five, after Ryle's attack, Lily brings Emerson to Atlas's home. Emerson falls asleep on Atlas's leg, and he reflects on the possibility of stepfatherhood. This moment marks the beginning of a new family unit formed not by blood but by trust and care.
In Chapters Thirty-Five through Thirty-Seven, Lily moves into Atlas's house, and Josh and Theo help unpack. The household becomes a blended family of choice: Josh, Theo, Lily, and Emerson form a network of mutual support. Atlas's friends Brad and Darin assist with moving Lily's belongings, demonstrating that his chosen family extends beyond blood relations. On his wedding day in Chapter Thirty-Seven, his friends gather to escort him to the ceremony, marking the culmination of a journey from isolation to belonging. Atlas's final reflection on the life he is building with Lily and Emerson, and his gratitude for Josh, underscores the novel's central claim: chosen bonds are the ones that endure.
Complexity and Contradiction: When Biology Blurs the Line
The novel does not present chosen family as a simple alternative that erases biology. In Chapter Thirty-Three, Atlas offers his mother Sutton a conditional space for connection, inviting her to weekly dinners with Josh. He acknowledges that even those who have caused harm possess a heart that still beats. This gesture does not erase Sutton's failures but creates a limited opportunity for repair, showing that chosen family can coexist with biological relationships when boundaries are clear.
Similarly, Lily must continue coparenting with Ryle because he is Emerson's father. She cannot fully sever the biological tie, even as she builds a chosen family with Atlas. The novel acknowledges that biology creates practical and legal constraints—custody arrangements, shared history, ongoing contact—that chosen family cannot always override. Yet the thematic claim remains: the bonds that nourish and sustain are those we choose to maintain consistently.
Another complexity emerges in Josh's initial desire to meet Tim, driven by a fantasy of biological connection. His journey involves disillusionment followed by the conscious choice of Atlas over Tim. This suggests that chosen family is not an easy escape but a difficult, active commitment that requires honesty and courage.
Study Questions and Answers
1. How does Josh's family-tree homework function as a symbol of chosen family in the novel?
Josh draws a baby seedling with only two branches—one for himself and one for Atlas—rejecting biological ties to their father Tim and mother Sutton. The seedling represents a new beginning and the conscious decision to build a family from scratch. When Atlas sees the completed drawing in Chapter Thirty-Three, he recognizes the seedling accurately captures their bond: fragile but growing, deliberately cultivated rather than inherited. The symbol recurs as a touchstone for the brothers' commitment to each other.
2. What role does Allysa play in demonstrating chosen family, and how does her relationship with Lily challenge conventional ideas about loyalty?
Allysa is Ryle's biological sister but actively supports Lily during the intervention in Chapter Thirty-Two, demanding Ryle attend anger management and accept supervised visits. This choice prioritizes Lily's safety over familial obligation, showing that chosen family can transcend blood ties. Allysa's loyalty is earned through shared experience and mutual respect, not given automatically through birth. Her actions suggest that true family is defined by who shows up when it matters most.
3. How does Atlas's relationship with Theo, Darin, and Brad reinforce the novel's theme of chosen family?
These characters form a network of support around Atlas that has no biological basis. Theo offers blunt advice about texting etiquette and later helps decode Atlas's emotional metaphors. Darin manages the restaurant's daily operations and teases Atlas affectionately. Brad assists with moving Lily's belongings into Atlas's house. On Atlas's wedding day, his friends gather to escort him to the ceremony, functioning as the family of choice that his biological relatives failed to be. Their presence demonstrates that chosen family often includes friends who become siblings.
4. In what way does the novel complicate the idea that chosen family is always superior to biological family?
Lily cannot completely sever ties with Ryle because they share custody of Emerson, showing that biological connections impose practical and legal obligations that cannot be ignored. Atlas offers his mother Sutton a conditional space for connection in Chapter Thirty-Three, suggesting that chosen family can coexist with biological relationships when clear boundaries are established. The novel acknowledges that biology creates constraints even when its emotional value is limited, and that chosen family often operates within these constraints rather than replacing them entirely.
5. How do Atlas's childhood scars and his decision to protect Josh connect to the theme of chosen family?
Atlas's faded scars from living with Sutton and Tim remind him of the damage biological family can inflict. When Josh asks if Tim caused the scars, Atlas tells the truth, and this honesty allows Josh to make an informed choice about his father. Atlas's determination to be the brother he never had—protective, honest, and devoted—demonstrates that chosen family is built through transparency and consistency, not obligation. The scars become a testament to survival, while the relationship with Josh becomes evidence that chosen bonds can heal what biological ones broke.