The List of Abuse Symbol Analysis in It Starts with Us

What Is the List of Abuse?

The List of Abuse is a handwritten item Lily Bloom keeps hidden in her jewelry box. It is a physical catalog of the specific injuries Ryle Kincaid inflicted on her during their marriage. In Chapter 4, Lily retrieves the list after Ryle returns her apartment key and asks about overnight custody. The list contains seven bullet points, each a hard fact:

1. He slapped you because you laughed.
2. He pushed you down a flight of stairs.
3. He bit you.
4. He tried to force himself on you.
5. You had to get stitches because of him.
6. Your husband physically hurt you more than once.
7. You did this for your daughter.

The list is not shared with any other character. It exists solely for Lily’s private use—a tool she designed to counter the emotional fog that Ryle’s intermittent remorse and manipulation create.

Where the List Reappears

Although the list appears only in two chapters of It Starts with Us (Chapters Four and Twelve), its absence is just as telling. Lily thinks about it at moments of doubt.

• Chapter 4 – After Ryle tosses her key on the counter, Lily feels guilt: “Am I being too hard on him?” and “What if he really has changed?” She goes to her room, pulls the list from the jewelry box, and reads it. The text then runs her finger over the scars on her shoulder, connecting the written list to the bodily evidence.
• Chapter 12 – Following a tense argument at Allysa’s apartment, Lily struggles with the possibility that her divorce was a mistake. She wishes she had the list with her and mentally resolves to take a picture of it for her phone: “I definitely underestimate how difficult and confusing interactions with Ryle can be.”

In Chapter 20, the list is not mentioned by name, but its emotional weight surfaces when Atlas sees Lily’s tattoo of the flower covering the bite mark. Lily explains, “The first time Ryle hit me, it was because I laughed at him.” This section shows how the list’s truths are now part of her spoken narrative.

How the List’s Meaning Changes

At the start of the novel, the list is a survival tool. It provides objective facts when Ryle’s gaslighting—comments like “I’ve changed” or “you’re overreacting”—threatens to rewrite Lily’s memory. The list is evidence she trusts more than her own emotions.

As Lily grows stronger, the list becomes less a crutch and more a historical document. In Chapter 12 she considers digitizing it, a small but meaningful shift: she is preparing to rely on the knowledge rather than the physical object. By the novel’s later chapters, the list no longer appears because Lily no longer needs to read it. Her internal conviction has replaced the paper.

The tattoo on her shoulder—a flower hiding the scar Ryle left by biting her—becomes a permanent, public version of the private list. It reminds her not only of the abuse but also of the love that inspired the tattoo (Atlas’s gift of a flower). The list, then, evolves from a secret defense against self‑doubt into a foundation for a life free of fear.

Connections to Characters and Themes

Lily Bloom

The list is Lily’s anchor. In Chapter 12, she reflects on what it takes to leave an abusive marriage permanently: “I feel like all it takes is one weak, insecure moment in the presence of your ex to convince yourself you made the wrong decision.” The list prevents those weak moments from winning. It is a physical manifestation of her resolve to protect herself and her daughter, Emerson.

Ryle Kincaid

Ryle is the reason the list exists. Every instance of his manipulation—asking for the key back, threatening to modify custody, sending drunk texts—drives Lily back to the list. Ryle’s character never sees the list; it defeats him by simply existing.

Atlas Corrigan

Atlas does not know about the list, but he sees the scar and hears the story. In Chapter 20, Lily tells him the first incident: “I was tipsy, and I thought something was funny that wasn’t funny, and he backhanded me.” Atlas’s anger is protective, not threatening, and this contrast helps Lily trust that her memory of abuse is valid.

Themes

• Healing from Domestic Abuse – The list is a concrete step in recovery: naming the harm, refusing to minimize it, and using it to prevent relapse.
• Co‑parenting and Boundaries – When Ryle pressures Lily for overnights, the list reminds her that Emerson’s safety comes before Ryle’s convenience.
• Second Chances – The list does not close the door on happiness; it clears the path. By trusting the list, Lily makes space to rebuild with Atlas.

Study Questions and Answers

1. Why does Lily keep the list in her jewelry box rather than in a more accessible location?
   Answer: The jewelry box is a private, intimate space, suggesting the list is a treasure Lily guards—a truth she must choose to retrieve. It sits among items of personal value, reinforcing that her safety and self‑worth are precious.

2. How does the list help Lily resist Ryle’s manipulation in Chapter 4?
   Answer: When Ryle returns the key with a false display of compliance, Lily feels guilt and doubt. Reading the list reconnects her to objective facts (e.g., “He pushed you down a flight of stairs”) and overrides the emotional manipulation by reminding her of the real danger.

3. In Chapter 12, Lily wishes she had taken a photo of the list. What does this desire reveal about her healing process?
   Answer: It shows she is moving toward internalizing the list’s truths. A photo would make the list portable, reducing her dependence on the physical object. This step marks progress from needing a paper crutch to carrying the knowledge within.

4. How does the list compare to Lily’s tattoo as symbols of abuse and healing?
   Answer: The list is private, detailed, and factual—a mental anchor. The tattoo is public, artistic, and covers the scar—a visual reclamation. Together they represent both the honest acknowledgment of hurt (the list) and the transformation of that hurt into something beautiful (the tattoo).