Ryle Kincaid: The Struggling Ex-Husband in It Starts with Us
Overview
Ryle Kincaid is the ex-husband of Lily Bloom and the father of their daughter Emerson in Colleen Hoover's It Starts with Us. A successful neurosurgeon, Ryle serves as the primary obstacle to Lily's new relationship with Atlas Corrigan. His character embodies the lingering aftermath of domestic abuse, the complexities of co-parenting with an abuser, and the difficult path toward accountability. Throughout the novel, Ryle's jealousy and anger repeatedly threaten Lily's safety and emotional well-being, yet he also shows glimmers of remorse and a genuine desire to be present for his daughter.
Plot Role
Ryle functions as the novel's antagonist and a constant source of tension. Even though Lily divorced him in the previous book, It Ends with Us, he remains deeply embedded in her life through their shared custody of Emerson. His presence forces Lily to navigate her newfound happiness with Atlas while managing Ryle's volatile reactions. Key plot events are driven by Ryle's intrusions: he retains a key to Lily's apartment (Chapter 4), confronts her on the rooftop about Emerson's middle name (Chapter 12), discovers Atlas's overnight visit and physically assaults Lily (Chapter 24), and later attacks Atlas at his restaurant (Chapter 27). His gradual, reluctant acceptance of Lily's new relationship — culminating in a peaceful custody exchange (Chapter 35) — marks a subtle shift in his role from active threat to a co-parent who, while still difficult, begins to respect boundaries.
Motivations and Traits
Ryle's primary motivation is control — over Lily, over their daughter's upbringing, and over the narrative of their failed marriage. He cannot accept that Lily left him for reasons rooted in his own violence, and instead blames Atlas for "stealing" her. This is made explicit when he tells Atlas, "You're the reason we aren't together!" (Chapter 27), a claim Atlas immediately refutes, stating that Ryle's own anger and fists caused the separation. Ryle's jealousy is triggered by anything linking Lily to Atlas, from the middle name "Dory" (Chapter 12) to a missed text (Chapter 4). His anger escalates quickly: he threatens custody modifications when Lily demands her key back, and later pins her against a door by the throat (Chapter 24). Yet Ryle is not a one-dimensional villain. He shows remorse after his worst outbursts — he leaves Lily's apartment after the assault, and during the intervention (Chapter 32) he eventually agrees to anger management and supervised visits. He also loves Emerson, though his parenting is sometimes used as leverage. These mixed traits suggest a man aware of his failings but unwilling to fully change without external pressure.
Chronological Arc
Ryle's arc in It Starts with Us follows a pattern of intrusion, escalation, confrontation, and reluctant cooperation.
- Chapter 4: Ryle brings dinner to Lily's apartment, still using his key. When Lily asks for the key back, he threatens to seek overnight custody, then relents and leaves the key on the counter.
- Chapter 12: He confronts Lily on the rooftop after learning Emerson's middle name is Dory, a reference to Finding Nemo shared with Atlas. He gaslights Lily about her fear and makes a pass at her, which she rejects.
- Chapter 24: Ryle arrives unannounced, finds evidence of Atlas's presence, and physically pushes Lily against the door with a hand on her throat. He leaves after showing brief regret.
- Chapter 26-27: Ryle sends drunk, insulting texts, then storms into Atlas's restaurant and punches him. Atlas refuses to fight back and instead urges Ryle to take responsibility.
- Chapter 32: Lily, Allysa, and Marshall hold an intervention. Ryle initially resists but eventually agrees to anger management and supervised visits.
- Chapter 35: In a final peaceful exchange, Marshall hands Emerson to Atlas in the parking lot while Ryle waits in the car. Lily observes from the stairwell, relieved at the lack of conflict.
This arc shows Ryle's anger softening under firm boundaries and consistent consequences, though his full transformation remains ambiguous.
Relationships
- With Lily: Ryle's relationship with Lily is defined by his past abuse and his inability to accept her autonomy. He alternates between manipulative kindness (bringing dinner) and threats (custody, financial security). Lily remains wary, documenting abuse to protect herself (Chapter 26). She ultimately forces a mediated conversation (Chapter 32) that establishes clear boundaries.
- With Atlas: Ryle views Atlas as the interloper who ruined his marriage. He physically attacks Atlas (Chapter 27), but Atlas's calm refusal to retaliate and his direct confrontation about Ryle's responsibility begin to break through Ryle's denial. By the novel's end, Ryle allows Atlas to hold Emerson during the custody exchange, signaling a grudging tolerance.
- With Allysa: Ryle's sister Allysa is a crucial mediator. She supports Lily while still loving Ryle, and her presence during the intervention (Chapter 32) forces him to listen. Ryle respects her enough to agree to the terms.
- With Emerson: Ryle is a largely absent but doting father. He uses their daughter to maintain contact with Lily, and his threats to modify custody are aimed at Lily more than at Emerson's best interests. However, he does seem to care for her, as when he puts her to bed (Chapter 4).
Key Decisions and Consequences
| Decision | Consequence |
|---|---|
| Keeping Lily's apartment key after divorce | Allows him to enter unannounced, escalating tensions and eventually leading to a confrontation (Chapter 24) |
| Threatening custody changes when Lily asks for the key back | Deepens Lily's distrust and confirms her need for legal protection |
| Physically assaulting Lily after discovering Atlas's overnight visit | Leads Lily to document the abuse and seek legal advice (Chapter 26) |
| Punching Atlas at the restaurant | Provides Atlas an opportunity to assert moral authority and advise Ryle to cooperate for Emerson's sake |
| Agreeing to anger management and supervised visits (Chapter 32) | Eases tensions and leads to the first peaceful custody exchange (Chapter 35) |
Theme Connections
Ryle's character directly engages several central themes of the novel, explored further in our dedicated theme pages.
- Healing from Domestic Abuse: Ryle embodies the abuser whom the survivor must learn to coexist with. Lily's journey involves establishing boundaries and refusing to accept blame for his violence.
- Second Chances: Ryle repeatedly asks Lily for another chance, claiming he has "changed." The novel interrogates whether an abuser deserves a second chance, ultimately suggesting that change must be proven through actions, not words.
- Co-parenting and Boundaries: The entire plot hinges on Lily and Ryle's ability to co-parent Emerson while navigating new relationships. Ryle's initial refusal to respect boundaries forces Lily to implement strict protocols (supervised visits, mediated conversations).
- Family Secrets and Reconciliation: Ryle's own past trauma (alluded to in the chapter outline and evidence) shapes his anger. The novel hints at family issues but does not fully explore them here; Ryle's relationship with his sister Allysa represents a strained but ultimately supportive family bond.
Ryle also serves as a symbolic opposite to Atlas. Where Atlas is patient and emotionally safe, Ryle is impulsive and dangerous. Atlas articulates this contrast in Chapter 27, saying, "Treating Lily the way she deserves to be treated is the easiest part of my life."
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why does Ryle keep Lily's apartment key after their divorce?
Ryle keeps the key to maintain access to Lily and Emerson, using it to bring dinner and put Emmy to bed (Chapter 4). Lily interprets this as an attempt to blur boundaries and resist the finality of the divorce. She ultimately demands the key back after Ryle threatens custody modifications.
2. Does Ryle ever hit Lily again in It Starts with Us?
Yes. In Chapter 24, Ryle arrives unannounced, discovers Atlas stayed overnight, and reacts by pinning Lily against the door with a hand on her throat. This is the only physical assault in the novel, though it stops short of the more severe violence from It Ends with Us. Lily later documents the incident as evidence.
3. Why does Ryle confront Atlas at his restaurant?
After Lily tells him she is seeing someone (implied to be Atlas in the confrontation), Ryle drives to Bib's, punches Atlas, and accuses him of ruining his marriage (Chapter 27). Atlas does not retaliate and instead advises Ryle to take responsibility for his own actions.
4. Does Ryle ever accept Lily and Atlas's relationship?
By the novel's end, Ryle shows reluctant tolerance. He agrees to anger management and supervised visits (Chapter 32), and during the final custody exchange, he waits in the car while Marshall hands Emerson to Atlas (Chapter 35). Lily interprets this as a step toward peaceful co-parenting.
5. What is Ryle's attitude toward Emerson's middle name "Dory"?
Ryle becomes enraged when he learns that Emerson's middle name is Dory, because the name references Finding Nemo, a movie tied to Atlas and Lily's past (Chapter 12). He confronts Lily on a rooftop, accusing her of deliberately hurting him. Lily insists she chose the name for herself, not to wound Ryle, but his reaction underscores his jealousy and inability to separate his daughter's identity from his rivalry with Atlas.
For a deeper understanding of the novel's resolution, read our ending explained. For more discussions about Ryle and other characters, visit our questions and answers page.