Love and Control: The Push and Pull of Caring Too Much

In Any Way the Wind Blows, Rainbow Rowell asks a question that cuts to the heart of every relationship: What happens when love turns into an attempt to control the person you care for? The novel refuses easy answers, showing love as both a lifeline and a cage. Across the romantic arc of Simon Snow and Baz Pitch, the protective friendship of Penelope Bunce and Shepard, and the solitary retreat of Agatha Wellbelove, the story traces how loving someone can become tangled with the urge to steer their choices. The thematic claim is this: Love that seeks to control—no matter how well-intentioned—eventually destroys the trust it tries to protect, while love that respects autonomy offers the only path to genuine intimacy.

The Dragon Wings: A Physical Symbol of Control

Simon’s dragon wings serve as the novel’s most concrete emblem of the love-and-control dilemma. After Simon lost his magic, the wings appeared as a physical reminder of what he used to be—and of what he can no longer control. Baz, desperate to hold on to Simon, initially treats the wings as something to preserve. In Chapter 13, when Simon announces he wants them removed, Baz reacts with anger: “You don't have to keep the wings!” But then he pivots: “Wait, tomorrow?” The pause reveals his real fear: losing the wings means losing the last trace of the Simon Snow he fell in love with.

Simon, however, sees the wings as a cage. They mark him as different, as a failed Chosen One. He tells Baz, “I’m done playing dungeons and dragons with you lot.” His insistence on removing the wings is an act of reclaiming control over his own body and identity. For months, his body had been transformed without his consent—first by the Mage’s manipulation, then by the magic loss. The wings are a daily reminder that he no longer belongs to himself.

In Chapter 62, Simon asks Baz to be gentle, and Baz responds by promising “I’ll love you less kindly” but never less kindly. This is the turning point: Baz begins to understand that loving Simon means letting him decide what to do with his own body, even if that means cutting away the parts Baz loves. The wings aren’t removed in the novel—but the struggle over them dramatizes the core conflict. Love that tries to preserve the loved one unchanged is a form of control. Love that allows change, even painful change, is the only kind that can last.

Baz and Simon: The Struggle Between Holding On and Letting Go

The central relationship in the novel is a masterclass in the tension between love and control. Baz’s love for Simon is fierce, almost ferocious. In Chapter 13, he says, “I love you,” and then immediately adds, “I know it’s not a thing. I know it doesn’t matter.” He admits that his love is powerless to stop Simon from leaving. Yet in the same breath, he tries to control the outcome: “You can’t just decide that you’re done with me.”

Simon, for his part, feels trapped by Baz’s devotion. In Chapter 32, he confesses that Baz’s kindness makes him feel “mental” and “turned inside out.” He asks Baz to be less kind, and Baz refuses: “I won’t love you less kindly.” This is a beautiful declaration—but it also ignores Simon’s stated need. Simon is asking for space, for a relationship that doesn’t smother him. Baz’s refusal to adjust how he loves is, paradoxically, a gentle form of control: I will love you the way I think is best, not the way you ask for.

The novel complicates this by showing that Simon’s own trauma makes him push away love. He tells Baz, “I was never going to make this work,” and later, “I’m a cracked vessel. I can’t hold on to anything good.” His desire to flee isn’t just about Baz’s control—it’s about his own fear of being vulnerable. Love and control become a feedback loop: Baz holds tighter because Simon pulls away; Simon pulls away because Baz holds tighter.

In Chapter 82, a shift occurs. Baz pins Simon and says, “I believe in you. … I don’t believe in the Mage’s version of you. I believe in you.” Here, Baz is not trying to control Simon’s actions; he is affirming Simon’s inherent worth, regardless of what Simon decides to do. This marks the moment love stops being about control and starts being about trust. Simon asks, “Do you trust me?” and Baz answers yes. The rest of the scene is filled with tender, gentle touch—Simon learning to be soft, Baz learning to let Simon lead. Love finally becomes a collaboration, not a struggle for dominance.

Penelope and Shepard: Protective Love as a Cage

Penelope’s relationship with Shepard offers a different angle on love and control. From the start, Penelope is determined to “fix” Shepard—to remove the demonic soul-binding that makes him visible to magicians. In Chapter 90, she brings him to her parents’ house, essentially taking control of his fate. Shepard is amazed and grateful, but also aware that he has little say in his own magical rescue. Penelope’s love is protective; she wants to give him a normal life in the magical world.

But that “normal” life comes with strings. Shepard is technically an illegal immigrant in the magical community. When he asks Penelope to come back to Omaha with him, she hesitates. Her protective impulse—to keep him safe within her world—is also an impulse to keep him close, on her terms. The novel leaves their future uncertain, with Shepard joking about tornado season. Penelope’s control is softer than Baz’s, but it’s still a form of ownership: she assumes she knows what’s best for him.

The contrast with Agatha is telling. Agatha, in the epilogue, has abandoned magic entirely. She trades her wand for a walking stick and chooses to live with the goats at Watford. She thinks, “the goats could manage alone, but she chooses to stay with them.” Agatha has spent the entire series being controlled—first by the Mage’s expectations, then by the Coven, then by her role as the Chosen One’s girlfriend. In the end, she chooses a life of minimal control: over goats, over a simple routine. She does not try to control anyone else, and she refuses to be controlled. Her freedom is bought at the price of isolation.

Smith and the Corruption of Power

The antagonist Smith Smith-Richards takes love and control to its most extreme. He believes he is the “Chosen One” and that his spell—which temporarily gives magic to Normals—is a gift. In Chapter 75, he reveals his true plan: “I gave them all of their magic, all at once. … They run out. Sometimes in a month, sometimes in a week.” His love for the magical world is possessive; he wants to control who gets to be a mage. He doesn’t see the Normals as people but as pawns in his grand narrative. Smith’s control is not romantic love, but it is love nonetheless—love of destiny, of being special. His arc warns that love of power is the most controlling love of all.

Symbols That Reinforce the Theme

Several symbols in the novel tie back to love and control:

• Excalibur Sword: The sword Simon once wielded as the Chosen One represents the destiny he never chose. The Mage controlled Simon’s life by grooming him to be a weapon. Simon’s refusal of the Mage’s inheritance (Chapter 2) is a rejection of that control.
• Candle Spell: Lady Ruth uses a candle spell to check on her son Jamie. It’s a form of magical surveillance—a way to control from a distance. The spell cannot bring her children home; it can only confirm they are alive.
• Goats of Watford: The goats Agatha cares for in the epilogue are stubborn, willful creatures that cannot be truly controlled. Agatha’s choice to live with them signals her acceptance of a life without domination, either over others or by others.

Complexity and Contradiction

The novel never suggests that control is always bad. Baz’s insistence on loving Simon while being gentle is a form of control—but it’s also a necessary boundary. Simon’s own need to control his body is legitimate. Penelope’s desire to protect Shepard comes from genuine care. The line between love and control blurs because love itself requires some degree of influence. Every relationship involves negotiation. What Rowell shows is that healthy love recognizes when control becomes coercion. The unhealthy relationships—the Mage and Simon, Smith and his followers—are built entirely on coercion. The healthy ones are built on consent, even when consent is difficult and messy.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Simon’s desire to remove his wings reflect his struggle with control?
   Simon sees the wings as a symbol of his former magical identity—an identity that was forced upon him by the Mage. Removing them is an act of reclaiming agency over his own body. Baz’s initial resistance to the removal shows how love can become controlling: he wants to keep the wings because they are part of the Simon he loves, ignoring that Simon no longer wants them.

2. In what way does Baz’s love for Simon become controlling, and how does he learn to let go?
   Baz tries to stop Simon from leaving in Chapter 13 by arguing that they are “not made of pieces that come apart.” He ignores Simon’s stated need to break free. He learns to let go in Chapter 82 when he pins Simon and says, “I believe in you,” trusting Simon to make his own choices. The shift is from my way to your way.

3. How does Penelope’s relationship with Shepard illustrate the tension between helping and controlling?
   Penelope takes charge of Shepard’s magical fate—arranging to fix his soul-binding, bringing him to her parents. She assumes she knows what’s best. When Shepard invites her to Omaha, she hesitates, revealing that her “help” may be a way to keep him in her world. The novel doesn’t resolve this, leaving the question open.

4. What does Agatha’s epilogue reveal about her view of love and control?
   Agatha chooses solitude with the goats, rejecting both the magical world’s demands and any romantic relationship. She thinks the goats could manage without her but stays because she wants to—not because anyone controls her. Her ending suggests that true freedom may require giving up the desire to control others and accepting a life of simple, non-coercive care.

5. How does the novel challenge the idea that “if you love someone, set them free” is a simple truth?
   Penelope quotes this saying in Chapter 11, and Baz immediately challenges it: “That isn’t a truth, it’s just a spell!” He points out that letting go is not a magical solution; it’s a painful choice. The novel shows that setting someone free can feel like abandonment (Simon feels abandoned by himself), and holding on can feel like suffocation. There is no easy answer—only the ongoing, difficult work of respecting another person’s autonomy while still expressing love.