Chapter 38: Simon Learns to Live Second by Second
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
Simon recalls a coping strategy his American therapist gave him after the Mage’s death: break life into “bites you can swallow.” He used this technique on days when even the next few hours felt overwhelming, sometimes breaking time down into minutes or seconds. Now, a few days after breaking up with Baz, Simon finds himself on the London Tube having just told Baz to come home. Baz agreed, and they sit together. Simon notices a man giving them a dirty look and feels a strong urge to punch him—a decision he could more easily handle than the uncertainty of his relationship. Simon follows Baz, committed to making whatever choice keeps Baz in his life, even though the future terrifies him.
Key Events
- Simon reflects on the therapeutic advice of breaking life into manageable pieces, a method he used after losing his magic and killing the Mage.
- He describes a period when he could only function second by second.
- Simon reveals he broke up with Baz a few days earlier but has now invited him to come home.
- The two are on the Tube, with Simon’s arm around Baz’s shoulder.
- Simon notices a homophobic glare from another passenger and almost hopes for a confrontation so he can punch the man.
- Simon decides to follow Baz, acting in the moment to keep him close despite his fear.
Character Development
Simon’s inner monologue in this chapter shows significant growth from the state of shock and despair he felt in the immediate aftermath of the Mage’s defeat. He is now consciously applying the coping techniques his therapist taught, even when the method feels insufficient. His willingness to invite Baz home so soon after a breakup indicates a new vulnerability and a recognition that he cannot be without Baz. The urge to punch the homophobic passenger suggests that while Simon is trying to manage his emotions, he still has a strong, sometimes violent, instinct for problem-solving. Overall, Simon is caught between his terror of a bright future and his desperation to maintain connection.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
Living in the present is the central theme, embodied by Simon’s use of the “second by second” method. This technique becomes a survival tactic for someone haunted by past trauma and afraid of an uncertain future. The Tube journey serves as a symbol of transition: Simon is literally moving between locations, just as he is moving between emotional states—from breakup to reunion, from despair to fragile hope. The metaphor of “bites you can swallow” recurs from his therapy, representing the need to break overwhelming experiences into tangible, digestible pieces. Fear of love is also evident; Simon admits that the future is too bright to look at whole, implying that his fear comes not from the loss of magic or mentor but from the intensity of his feelings for Baz.
Why This Chapter Matters
Chapter 38 marks a turning point in Simon’s emotional arc. It shows him actively using the therapeutic tools he was given, signaling recovery rather than relapse. The decision to invite Baz home after a breakup is a crucial relationship milestone; it indicates that Simon’s desire to be with Baz outweighs his self-protective instincts. This chapter also deepens our understanding of Simon’s mental state, showing that even as he functions better, he still relies on moment-to-moment survival strategies. It sets up the next phase of his journey with Baz, where the couple must navigate this reconciliation.
Study Questions and Answers
1. How does Simon’s use of therapeutic techniques in this chapter reflect his character growth?
Simon’s ability to recall and apply the “bites you can swallow” method shows that he is no longer utterly overwhelmed by the past. He proactively uses a coping strategy rather than sinking into despair. This marks a shift from the earlier chapters where he was unable to see a way forward. His growth is still fragile—he must break time into seconds—but it represents a conscious effort to manage his trauma.
2. Why does Simon want to punch the man on the Tube? What does this urge reveal about his state of mind?
Simon hopes the homophobic glare will lead to a confrontation because punching the man would be a simple, clear decision—something he can wrap his brain around. This reveals that Simon craves problems with easy solutions, as opposed to the complex emotional uncertainty of his relationship with Baz. It also shows that his anger and defensive impulses are still very present, even as he tries to be present and calm.
3. What does the phrase “I’m making whatever decision I have to make in the moment to keep him in the picture” suggest about Simon’s priorities?
This line indicates that for Simon, staying connected to Baz has become a non-negotiable need. He is willing to override his own fear, his previous breakup decision, and his internal chaos simply to ensure Baz remains in his life. It suggests that Simon’s love for Baz is now his primary compass, even when the future is too frightening to contemplate.
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