Theodore Roosevelt: The Hunter President in Alexandra Petri's US History

Overview

In Alexandra Petri's US History, Theodore Roosevelt appears as a relentless bundle of hyper-masculine energy whose sole emotional outlet is slaughtering large game. The narrative frames him not as a statesman but as a walking crisis engine: whenever he suffers a setback, he “would go off and kill huge volumes of large game mammals.” Two rhinoceroses, Artaxerxes and Rhadamanthus, disguise themselves as a coatrack and a hassock in his home, determined to prevent any further grief that might trigger another hunting spree. Their diary entries—reproduced in Chapter 37—form the backbone of the character study, revealing a man who cannot be appeased and whose political ambitions are as voracious as his rifle.

Plot Role

Roosevelt appears in several episodes across the satirical history:

• Chapter 37 (rhinoceros notes): The primary character portrait. The rhinos chronicle his rise from vice president to president, his vow not to seek reelection, his devastating 1909–1910 Smithsonian hunting expedition, and his 1912 third-party campaign.
• Chapter 38 (“Why the National Parks Were Set Aside”): His quote about the Grand Canyon is mockingly repurposed to claim that parks were fenced off because every natural feature is a hazard—geysers, huge trees, volcanoes, even Florida itself.
• Chapter 39 (“The Jungle, Basically”): After Upton Sinclair’s novel, “Teddy Roosevelt and Congress passed the Pure Food and Drug Act,” acknowledging his real‑world reform while keeping the tone absurd.
• Chapter 75 (“Ragnarok in the Hall of Presidents”): In a surreal apocalypse, Roosevelt fights back‑to‑back with Grant, spurns Taft’s help, and impales Edith Wilson after she bursts from Woodrow Wilson. He is “out of control” and “the madness of battle is upon him.”

Motivations and Traits Shown Through Actions

The evidence makes explicit that Roosevelt’s motivation to hunt is directly tied to emotional pain. The rhino notes list two triggers: the loss of his father, and the death of both his wife and mother within hours of each other. Each time, his “sole means of emotional expression” was to embark on a rugged trek and shoot animals. This pattern is interpreted as a satirical critique of archaic masculinity—strength that cannot process grief without violence.

He is also politically insatiable. The rhinos observe that he “wants to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.” When he becomes vice president, a powerless post, his gaze “strays often to the guns on the wall.” His ambition leads the rhinos to orchestrate McKinley’s assassination (interpretation: they imply but do not prove they caused it). Later, after losing the 1912 election, he plans an expedition to the River of Doubt, further confirming that failure must be drowned in action.

Chronological Arc

The rhino notes provide a timeline:

• 1897: Artaxerxes arrives as a coatrack. Roosevelt is already advancing in politics.
• 1898: The New York Republican machine snubs him, but he remains on track.
• 1900: He is forced into the vice presidency.
• 1901: McKinley is assassinated; Roosevelt becomes president. The rhinos claim responsibility (“McKinley, we hope, will understand.”)
• 1902–1904: He is reelected, sets aside national parks, and seems stable.
• 1905: He vows not to run again. The rhinos panic; Rhadamanthus tries to ram the Washington Monument.
• 1909: He leaves office, Taft takes the oath, and Roosevelt launches a Smithsonian hunting expedition.
• 1910: The expedition returns with 11,000 specimens. The rhinos mourn.
• 1912: Roosevelt runs as a third‑party candidate; Artaxerxes attempts assassination (the bullet sticks in his speech). Roosevelt loses to Wilson.
• Post‑1912: The rhinos give up; Artaxerxes goes home.

The Ragnarok chapter (set outside linear history) caps the arc with a berserker Roosevelt who “bares his teeth and bellows,” suggesting that even in myth he cannot be contained.

Relationships

• With the Rhinoceroses (Artaxerxes and Rhadamanthus): A caretaker–disaster dynamic. The rhinos try desperately to keep him happy—moving his smoking daughter Alice onto the roof, stampeding conservation bills—and eventually attempt murder when they fail. They feel personal loss (Rhadamanthus loses his mother; Artaxerxes loses nieces) yet remain committed to the mission.
• With Taft: In Ragnarok, Roosevelt “spurns Taft’s aid and mutters something about big business,” reflecting the real‑world 1912 split.
• With Alice, his daughter: He forbids smoking; the rhinos literally lift her onto the roof to circumvent the rule, showing his rigid domestic authority.
• With Other Presidents: He fights alongside Grant, kills Edith Wilson, and exists in a pantheon of grotesque historical figures, each meeting a symbolic end.

Key Decisions and Consequences

Theme and Symbol Connections

This character analysis connects to several overarching themes of the book:

• Satire of Historical Authority and Construction: The rhino diary frames Roosevelt as a force of nature whose legend is manufactured by those around him. The “myth” of the strenuous life is undercut by the fact that his energy causes genocide.
• Greed and Exploitation: The 11,000 specimens are “displayed for the edification of the public”—a critique of colonial‑style collecting and the commodification of nature.
• Gender Roles and Domesticity: Roosevelt’s hyper‑masculinity is mocked by the rhinos’ domestic subterfuge. They become housekeepers, moving furniture and carrying children onto roofs, to manage his “masculine” outbursts.
• Myth‑Making and Selective Memory: The book asks why we remember Roosevelt as a conservationist hero while ignoring the slaughter that funded his collections. The national‑park satire (Chapter 38) further suggests that conservation was just a way to hide dangerous places.
• Political Hypocrisy: He verbally respects nature (“leave it as it is”) while physically destroying it. He champions reform (Pure Food and Drug Act) but uses the same political machinery the rhinos manipulate.

Five Book‑Specific Questions and Direct Answers

1. Why do the rhinoceroses disguise themselves as furniture in Theodore Roosevelt’s house?

Answer: They want to prevent him from suffering any emotional setback that would trigger another hunting spree. Artaxerxes poses as a coatrack and Rhadamanthus as a hassock so they can monitor him constantly and intervene before he reaches for his guns.

2. How many animal specimens does Roosevelt kill on the 1909–1910 Smithsonian expedition?

Answer: Exact text from the rhino notes: “Eleven thousand specimens. That is the toll of dead.” This includes Rhadamanthus’s mother and Artaxerxes’s two nieces.

3. What happens to Roosevelt in the “Ragnarok in the Hall of Presidents” scene?

Answer: He fights back‑to‑back with Ulysses S. Grant, spurns Taft’s offer of help, and impales Edith Wilson after she springs from Woodrow Wilson’s split body. He is described as “out of control” with “the madness of battle upon him,” baring his teeth and bellowing.

4. What legislative action does Roosevelt take after reading The Jungle (as presented in the book)?

Answer: The chapter ends with: “After publication of The Jungle, Teddy Roosevelt and Congress passed the Pure Food and Drug Act.” This is presented as a direct consequence of the novel’s exposé.

5. How does Chapter 38 (“Why the National Parks Were Set Aside”) satirize Roosevelt’s conservation legacy?

Answer: The chapter lists each national park and assigns it a ridiculous, dangerous feature—geysers that squirt water, huge falling trees, dormant volcanoes that might not be dormant, and even “THIS IS IN FLORIDA” for the Everglades. The Grand Canyon is dismissed as “Big hole in the ground without proper signage. Leave it as it is.” The satire suggests that the supposed preservation was actually an attempt to keep people away from lethal scenery, undermining the romanticized view of Roosevelt as a conservation pioneer.

For further discussion of the book’s structure and meaning, see the ending explained and the questions and answers pages. Return to the main book page.