Chapter 4: Would You Describe Yourselves as Normal Europeans? A Survey for New Arrivals
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
The chapter presents a mock questionnaire that the author claims the Pilgrims filled out upon arriving in the land that would become the United States. The survey is designed to expose the contradictions in how early English settlers saw themselves versus how others saw them.
Question one asks whether they consider themselves normal Europeans. The answer options suggest that the Pilgrims viewed themselves as correct in religion while everyone else was sinful. Question two invites them to pick three descriptors. Options include "weird cultists," "normal people seeking a better life," "convicts," and the non sequitur "Greg." Question three uses a 1–10 scale to ask whether the group is a cult. The scale's anchors imply a denial of cult status even while acknowledging that others frequently call them one. Question four asks if they are fun; both answers revolve around prayer—either as the highest fun or a grave responsibility. Question five lists what people back home said: "oh, those religious weirdos," "yes, we deported them," or dismissals due to war and unrest. Question six asks about religion's importance, with the "normal" amount defined as literally obsessing over it. Question seven gives options for what they have to declare: disease, genocide, or both—a dark nod to the devastation Europeans caused. The final questions (eight and nine) ask for an anticipated departure date; the survey notes the respondent left it blank, revealing the Pilgrims had no intention of leaving.
Key Events
- Arrival of the Pilgrims: The chapter opens by setting the scene of the Pilgrims landing in North America and taking the survey.
- Self-Identification as Religious Outcasts: Question one shows they consider themselves the only correct Europeans while condemning others as sinners.
- Admission of Being Called a Cult: Question three's scale and commentary acknowledge that others frequently label the group a cult, though they deny it themselves.
- Prayer as Central to Life: Question four frames prayer as either the top form of enjoyment or a solemn duty, leaving no middle ground.
- Reasons for Leaving Europe: Question five lists how they were perceived back home—as religious weirdos, deportees, or nuisances amid war and unrest.
- Religion as All-Consuming: Question six equates a normal amount of religion with thinking and talking about it constantly.
- Declaration of Disease and/or Genocide: Question seven forces a choice that foreshadows the destruction brought by European colonization.
- Blank Departure Date: Questions eight and nine reveal that the Pilgrims left the departure date empty, implying a permanent settlement.
Character Development
The chapter does not focus on individual characters but treats the Pilgrims as a collective persona. Through the survey answers, the group emerges as:
- Self-Righteous: They see themselves as religiously pure while all other Europeans are sinners.
- Defensive: They deny being a cult even as the survey prompts reveal outsiders commonly use that word.
- All-In on Religion: Prayer defines both their fun and their responsibility, leaving no room for secular life.
- Unaware of Irony: The inclusion of genocide and disease as items to declare suggests a troubling blindness to their own impact.
- Permanent Settlers: By leaving the departure date blank, they show they never planned to return to Europe.
The only named individual is Greg, tossed into the second question as a random option. Greg appears to be an inside joke or a marker of absurdity, emphasizing that the survey is not meant to be taken literally.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
- Religious Extremism vs. Normalcy: The survey constantly asks the Pilgrims to define themselves against European normalcy. Their answers reveal that they consider extreme religious devotion to be the only proper way to live.
- Cult Dynamics: Question three directly addresses the cult label. The Pilgrims deny it, but the rest of their answers (obsession with religion, isolation from mainstream society, self-certainty) align with classic cult characteristics.
- Colonial Self-Deception: The survey exposes the gap between how settlers viewed their mission (a quest for religious freedom) and the harm they caused (disease and genocide). The inclusion of option seven forces a reckoning with that damage.
- Satirical Form: Petri uses the mock-survey genre to make readers participate imaginatively in the Pilgrims' thought process. The format itself—multiple choice with absurd options—mirrors the oversimplified identity politics that often characterize American origin stories.
- Blank Departure Date (Symbol): The empty departure date symbolizes the permanence of colonization. The Pilgrims were not visitors; they were there to stay, regardless of the consequences for Indigenous peoples.
Why This Chapter Matters
Chapter 4 distills the founding myth of the Pilgrims into a few provocative questions. Petri's satire undercuts the sanitized story of religious refugees seeking freedom by foregrounding their intolerance, their cult-like insularity, and their awareness (or willful ignorance) of the genocide they would commit. The survey format invites readers to consider how self-assessment can be both revealing and deceptive.
This chapter also sets up a recurring motif in the book: the tension between how Americans see themselves and how they are seen by others. By starting with the very first arrivals, Petri establishes that hypocrisy and self-justification have been part of the national character from the beginning. The blank departure date foreshadows that the European presence in North America was never temporary—a fact that underlies every subsequent chapter.
Study Questions and Answers
1. What does the survey option "Greg" suggest about the chapter's tone and purpose?
The inclusion of "Greg" as a descriptor (put this only if your name is Greg) signals that the chapter is not a genuine historical document but a satirical invention. It breaks the fourth wall and reminds the reader that the entire survey is a comedic tool designed to expose attitudes, not to record facts. The absurd non sequitur undercuts any pretense of seriousness and aligns the chapter with Petri's overall humorous style.
2. How do questions three and six work together to characterize the Pilgrims' relationship with religion?
Question three asks whether the group is a cult, and the answer scale reveals that outsiders frequently call them one. Question six asks how important religion is, and the "normal" amount is defined as literally thinking and talking about it all the time. Together, these questions show that the Pilgrims believe their extreme religious devotion is normal, while everyone else sees it as cult-like. The disconnect between self-perception and external perception is the central irony of the chapter.
3. Why is the blank departure date significant for understanding the Pilgrims' intentions?
The survey expects the respondent to provide a departure date, but the final question notes that they left it blank. This implies that the Pilgrims never planned to leave North America. Their arrival was not a temporary visit but a permanent resettlement. The blank date symbolizes the erasure of any expectation of return, reinforcing the idea that colonization was a one-way process that displaced Indigenous populations permanently.