Characters Alexandra Petri's US History Alexandra Petri

George Washington in Alexandra Petri's US History: The Reluctant Founder

Overview

In Alexandra Petri's US History, George Washington appears as a foil to the book's central project: deflating the mythic solemnity of America's founding. Where conventional history enshrines Washington as the stoic, indispensable general and first president, Petri presents him as a figure of exaggerated humility who cannot finish a sentence without disclaiming his own worthiness. This satirical treatment underscores several themes, especially satire of historical authority and construction and myth-making and selective memory. Washington's appearances are brief but strategically placed: he interrupts Patrick Henry's erotic liberty or death speech, drones repetitively at the Constitutional Convention (allowing a cartoon rabbit to derail the Electoral College vote), and then, in the apocalyptic climax, rises from his animatronic seat to lead an army forged from his own false teeth. Each scene parodies a well-known facet of Washington's legacy—his modesty, his gravity, his iconic dentures—turning reverence into comedy.

Plot Role

Washington appears directly in three chapters, each satirizing a different aspect of his historical image.

Chapter 9 – 50 States of Grey—Liberty or Death: When Patrick Henry delivers his famous "liberty or death" speech as an erotic demand full of double entendres, Washington is the lone voice of reason. He objects simply: "There has to be another way of phrasing that." His role is that of the embarrassed straight man, unwilling to let political rhetoric descend into farce. This moment reduces his legendary gravitas to a priggish discomfort with passion.

Chapter 11 – An Oral History of the Constitutional Convention: Washington repeatedly states that he is "not worthy of the great honor being bestowed" upon him. Morris's account confirms he said it six times, and Madison's notes likewise record him "expressing once again his sense of the enormous burden." This repetition bores the delegates so thoroughly that Morris begins drawing a man-sized rabbit, which in turn distracts the convention from objecting to the Electoral College. Washington's role here is to be the unwitting enabler of a monumental distraction; his humility becomes a comedic cause of political consequence.

Chapter 75 – Ragnarok in the Hall of Presidents: In the book's surreal finale, the animatronic presidents come to life for a final battle. Washington rises, pulls out his false teeth one by one, and hurls them. Each tooth becomes a soldier, forming an army that attacks the other presidents. He describes the origin of each tooth—was it "carved from hippopotamus bone or wrenched from a living mouth"—and the last tooth he pulls out is his real one. Here he becomes a monstrous founding figure, literally weaponizing his body to spawn conflict.

Outside these scenes, Washington is referenced indirectly in the discussion of currency design (Chapter 61) and as a symbolic presence in the parody Federalist Papers (Chapter 12). His character arc is not developmental but cumulative: each appearance reinforces the same satirical point—that the real Washington has been buried under layers of self-deprecating myth, and that myth itself can be dismantled with absurdity.

Motivations and Traits Shown Through Actions

Petri's Washington is driven by a single, exaggerated trait: a reflexive humility that borders on pathological. His stated motivation in Chapter 11 is to execute his duties "to the utmost of my abilities, unworthy though I was." The repetition suggests not genuine modesty but a ritualized performance. This reading is supported by Morris's observation that Washington said it a sixth time, implying that the phrase has become a tic rather than a sincere sentiment.

In Chapter 9, Washington's objection to Henry's erotic speech indicates a discomfort with unseemly emotional expression. He acts as a gatekeeper of decorum, yet the absurd context (a pornographic demand for liberty) makes his propriety seem foolish. This aligns with the book's broader critique of political hypocrisy: the founders are shown policing language while ignoring slavery and other moral failures.

In the Ragnarok scene, Washington's actions betray a more violent aspect. Throwing his teeth to create soldiers is an act of aggression, and the detail that he knows each tooth's origin—including one wrenched from a living mouth—implies a hidden brutality beneath the humble exterior. Petri thus suggests that the myth of Washington's virtue obscures a legacy of plantation slavery and violence.

Unlike a conventional character study, Petri does not grant Washington interiority or development. His traits are flat and consistent: humble to the point of absurdity, proper to the point of comedy, and ultimately destructive when myth becomes literal.

Chronological Arc

Washington's appearances follow a rough chronological order of American history (pre-Revolution, Convention, Ragnarok as end-times), but there is no psychological arc. He begins as a voice of objection, continues as a source of boredom, and ends as a progenitor of chaos. This is not a character journey but a three-panel cartoon exposing different facets of the same satire.

Notably absent are Washington's military exploits, his role as president, and his Farewell Address. Petri focuses only on moments that can be turned into jokes about humility and false teeth, demonstrating that her Washington is a caricature built from selected historical anecdotes.

Relationships

Washington interacts with few other characters, but each interaction is telling.

  • Patrick Henry: Washington objects to Henry's erotic rhetoric, positioning himself as the sober statesman. Yet Henry ignores him, suggesting that Washington's authority is nominal in Petri's world.

  • Gouverneur Morris: Morris finds Washington's repeated humility so tedious that it drives him to draw a rabbit. Washington's speeches indirectly cause the distraction that allows the Electoral College to pass without debate. The relationship is one of unwitting cause and absurd effect.

  • James Madison: Madison faithfully records Washington's humble statements, showing a relationship of stenographic deference. Madison's notes become the official record, but they are unreliable (e.g., Morris claims Madison misrepresented him). This ties into the theme of historical construction.

  • The Animatronic Presidents: In Ragnarok, Washington's tooth army attacks all other presidents indiscriminately. He shows no alliance or enmity; he is a generic force of origin that destroys his successors.

Washington has no personal relationships with family or friends, consistent with Petri's narrow focus on public persona.

Key Decisions and Consequences

Decision: To object to Henry's speech (Chapter 9).
Consequence: The objection is futile; the erotic oration continues. Washington's voice of reason becomes a punchline.

Decision: To accept "the great honor" at the Convention while repeatedly disclaiming worthiness (Chapter 11).
Consequence: The repetition bores the delegates, leading Morris to draw the rabbit that distracts the convention from debating the Electoral College. The rabbit thus enables the very structure of presidential elections that later chapters satirize.

Decision: To throw his false teeth in Ragnarok (Chapter 75).
Consequence: The teeth become an army that attacks the other presidents, initiating the apocalyptic battle. Washington's choice to reveal his real tooth underscores the stripping of artifice—the myth gives way to flesh, but the flesh is violent.

These decisions are not the result of deliberation; they are instinctive responses dictated by Washington's exaggerated trait (humility) or by the exigencies of the absurd scenario (Ragnarok). Petri does not present him as a strategic actor.

Theme and Symbol Connections

  • Satire of Historical Authority and Construction : Washington's humility in Chapter 11 is recorded differently by different participants. Madison's notes claim he spoke impressively; Morris recalls him as boring. The contradiction highlights how history is shaped by note-takers, not events. Similarly, the spectacle of an animatronic Washington hurling teeth satirizes the Disneyfied version of presidents.

  • Myth-Making and Selective Memory : The false teeth are a literal symbol of artificial construction. Washington's dentures (often said to be made of wood, but actually from animal teeth) have become a folkloric detail. Petri weaponizes them, turning a quirk into a weapon. The real tooth at the end represents the unvarnished truth beneath the myth—but that truth is violent.

  • Political Hypocrisy : Washington's propriety in Chapter 9 seems virtuous until we recall that he owned slaves. Petri never states this directly, but the context of the book (which elsewhere satirizes greed and exploitation) invites the reader to connect his fastidiousness with a broader hypocritical framework.

  • Gender Roles and Domesticity : In objecting to Henry's speech, Washington upholds a masculine ideal of restrained statesmanship. The erotic parody, however, feminizes Henry's passion, and Washington's discomfort reads as a denial of desire. This theme is less prominent but implicit in the power dynamic.

Thematically, Washington embodies the founding myth that must be dismantled for American history to be seen critically.

Questions and Answers

1. In Chapter 11, why does Gouverneur Morris start drawing a rabbit during Washington's remarks?

Morris says he became bored after Washington stated for the sixth time that he was unworthy of the honor. The repetitive humility provided no substantive debate, so Morris turned to drawing as a distraction. The rabbit later caused a vote on its clothing, which derailed the Electoral College discussion.

2. How does Petri's Washington differ from the traditional historical figure?

Traditional accounts present Washington as reluctant yet decisive, humble yet commanding. Petri exaggerates his humility to the point that it becomes a tedious performance with no clear payoff. She also removes his competence: his self-deprecation enables a trivial distraction to reshape the Constitution. Additionally, she invents an apocalyptic tooth army, a scenario with no basis in fact.

3. What does Washington's objection to Patrick Henry's speech reveal about his character in the book?

It shows that Washington is uncomfortable with unbridled emotionalism and rhetorical excess. He insists on proper phrasing even when the substance is the same. This aligns with the satirical portrayal of Washington as a stickler for decorum, which Petri then undercuts by placing him in an absurd erotic context.

4. In the Ragnarok scene, what is the significance of Washington pulling out his real tooth last?

The false teeth are artificial constructs that become soldiers (myth made literal). The real tooth symbolizes the irreducible core of the man—his actual body, not the prosthetic image. By keeping it for last, Petri suggests that even the authentic Washington is violent and destructive, undermining the myth of gentle fatherhood.

5. How does Washington's behavior at the Constitutional Convention illustrate the book's theme of "myth-making and selective memory"?

Madison's notes record Washington as delivering weighty statements of humility. Morris's memory, however, portrays the same statements as boring and repetitive. Which version becomes history depends on whose account is trusted. Petri's oral history format reveals that memory is selective, and that Washington's mythic dignity is a narrative choice, not an objective fact.

For further discussion of the book's themes and ending, see the ending explained and questions and answers.