We’re the Rhinoceroses Trying to Keep Teddy Roosevelt’s Life Together
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary (Complete and Chronological)
Two rhinoceroses, Artaxerxes and Rhadamanthus, disguise themselves as household furniture—a coatrack and a hassock—to infiltrate Theodore Roosevelt’s home. Their mission: prevent any setback in Roosevelt’s life that might trigger one of his hunting sprees, which have already killed many of their kind. The rhinos help Roosevelt advance politically, even engineering the 1901 assassination of President McKinley (they hope McKinley will understand) to ensure Roosevelt becomes president. When Roosevelt’s daughter Alice takes up smoking, they move her and the hassock onto the roof to satisfy his “not under my roof” command. After Roosevelt is elected in his own right in 1904, the rhinos grow anxious when he vows not to run again. His departure from office in 1909 leads to a catastrophic Smithsonian hunting expedition that kills 11,000 animal specimens, including the rhinos’ relatives. In 1912, Roosevelt runs as a third-party candidate; Artaxerxes attempts to assassinate him but the bullet is stopped by Roosevelt’s speech. Roosevelt loses to Woodrow Wilson and plans an expedition to the River of Doubt. Defeated, Artaxerxes goes home to face his fate.
Key Events
- 1897 – Infiltration: Artaxerxes and Rhadamanthus take up positions as a coatrack and hassock in Roosevelt’s home.
- 1898 – Political Rise: The rhinos observe Roosevelt’s advancement; the New York machine mistakes them for furniture.
- 1900 – Vice Presidency Feared: Roosevelt is sidelined to the vice presidency, alarming the rhinos.
- 1901 – McKinley Assassination: The rhinos arrange McKinley’s death to elevate Roosevelt to the presidency.
- 1902 – Alice Smoking Incident: Alice Roosevelt is moved to the roof along with Rhadamanthus to avoid upsetting Theodore.
- 1904 – Reelection: Roosevelt wins a full term, temporarily calming the rhinos.
- 1905 – Vow Not to Run Again: Roosevelt announces he will not seek reelection, devastating the rhinos.
- 1909 – Leaving Office: Roosevelt watches Taft’s inauguration and immediately departs on a Smithsonian hunting expedition.
- 1910 – Mass Slaughter: The expedition kills 11,000 animals; Artaxerxes and Rhadamanthus lose family members.
- 1912 – Third-Party Campaign: Roosevelt runs on the Bull Moose ticket; the rhinos work with the Moose Coalition.
- 1912 – Assassination Attempt: Artaxerxes shoots Roosevelt, but the bullet lodges in his speech.
- 1912 – Electoral Defeat: Wilson wins; Roosevelt plans an expedition to the River of Doubt.
Character Development
Artaxerxes begins as an optimistic operative, determined to prevent tragedy. Over the years he grows weary, haunted by the deaths of his kin, and eventually takes on the moral burden of contemplating assassination. He ultimately fails in his mission and returns home resigned.
Rhadamanthus is Artaxerxes’ colleague, posing as a hassock. He suffers physical deterioration—a bent horn, sagging hide, a cough from smoke-filled rooms—and becomes increasingly despairing. His grief peaks when his mother dies in the 1910 slaughter, yet he supports Artaxerxes’ actions without judgment.
Theodore Roosevelt appears only through the rhinos’ observations: energetic, driven, and unable to tolerate idle periods. He channels stress into hunting, with devastating consequences for large game.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs Actually Evidenced Here
- Hunting as emotional coping mechanism: Roosevelt’s hunting sprees follow personal and political setbacks, illustrating a compulsive pattern.
- The rhinoceros perspective as victim: The narrative gives voice to those killed by Roosevelt’s actions, critiquing the cost of historical greatness.
- Satire of political machinery: The rhinos’ manipulation—assassination, moving Alice to the roof—mimics the behind-the-scenes maneuvering of real politics.
- Conservation paradox: Roosevelt sets aside national parks while simultaneously slaughtering animals, highlighting the contradiction in his legacy.
- “Man in the arena” critique: The rhinos’ undercover role satirizes the idea that only the active participant deserves attention; the quiet victims go unseen.
- The domestic disguise: Furniture symbolizes how comfortable, everyday settings can hide lethal consequences—the hunting trophies on the walls are reminders of past violence.
Why This Chapter Matters
This chapter offers a satirical counter-narrative to the heroic image of Theodore Roosevelt. By centering the perspective of the animals he killed, Petri exposes the human cost (or animal cost) of ambition and emotional repression. The rhinoceroses’ futile efforts to manage Roosevelt’s happiness underscore the impossibility of controlling a historical figure who was both a conservationist and a hunter. The chapter also reenacts real events—the McKinley assassination, the 1912 campaign, the assassination attempt on Roosevelt—through a darkly comic lens, inviting readers to reconsider the motivations behind political decisions.
Study Questions and Answers
1. How do the rhinoceroses’ disguises reflect the theme of silent victimhood in the chapter?
The rhinos pose as furniture—objects that are present but ignored. This symbolizes how the victims of Roosevelt’s hunts were invisible to his admirers and even to Roosevelt himself. The coatrack and hassock disguise allows them to witness the machinery of power while remaining unseen, mirroring the way historical narratives often erase collateral damage.
2. What does the failed assassination attempt reveal about the rhinos’ transformation?
Artaxerxes, who initially set out to protect Roosevelt, eventually resolves to kill him to stop the slaughter. The attempt fails because the bullet hits Roosevelt’s speech, a detail that emphasizes the power of rhetoric and public performance. The rhinos’ desperation overtakes their original mission, showing how prolonged exposure to tragedy can corrupt even noble intentions.
3. How does Petri use humor to critique Roosevelt’s conservation record?
The rhinos note that Roosevelt set aside national parks, yet the bears they consult only growl in response. The grim irony of a conservation president who kills thousands of animals for “science” is highlighted by the rhinos’ matter-of-fact tone. This deadpan humor forces readers to confront the contradiction without overt moralizing.