Loneliness in The Things We Never Say by Elizabeth Strout

Thematic Claim: The Loneliness of the Unshared Self

In The Things We Never Say, Elizabeth Strout uses the epigraph from Carl Jung to frame loneliness not as physical solitude but as the inability to communicate what matters most or to hold views others find inadmissible. The novel’s protagonist, Artie Dam, leads a life full of relationships—wife, son, friends, students—yet he remains profoundly isolated. His loneliness is not a lack of company but a persistent silence about his true self, his history, and the secrets he cannot voice. This page traces that isolation across three pivotal parts of the plot, connecting it to key characters and symbols, and examines the complexities and contradictions that make Strout’s portrayal so resonant.

Tracing Loneliness Through the Plot

1. The Secret Suicide Plan (Chapter 1)

Artie’s loneliness is made explicit early on. After saying goodbye to his friend Flossie, teaching his classes, and hosting a party, he admits to himself that he has been planning suicide for two months. The narrative reveals his detailed, methodical thinking: he rejects guns, wrist-cutting, and car crashes—not because he wants to live, but because he cannot bear the impact on others. He settles on drowning. The root cause is an “accretion of loneliness” triggered by Flossie’s departure and exacerbated by his inability to share the weight of his mother’s childhood stories about drowning children. Even when he tries to tell Evie this memory, she is too tired to listen. In that moment, Artie concludes, “I am lonely enough to die.” This is not a loneliness of being alone—he is surrounded by family—but of being unable to speak his truth.

2. The Paternity Secret and the Letter (Chapters 3–4)

The loneliness deepens when Artie learns that his son Rob is not his biological child. Rob gives him a letter from the deceased Reginald MacDonald, revealing the truth. Artie decides not to tell his wife Evie, believing he is protecting her. But the secret creates a new layer of isolation. He begins lying by omission, and then discovers that Evie has known the secret for twenty-eight years. They have both been living with unspoken truths. Artie’s inability to share his feelings about this—his sense of betrayal, his grief—further alienates him. He shoplifts a comb for the first time, a symbolic act of taking something without permission, mirroring how he feels his life has been taken from him. The secret is a wall between him and the woman he loves.

3. The Laughter That Releases Sorrow (Chapter 7)

The climax of Artie’s loneliness comes during a dinner with Flossie. She confesses an affair and drinks heavily, then makes a dark joke about the new president. Artie laughs uncontrollably—a laughter that is really sorrow. The passage describes tears streaming down his face while waves crash against the window. This moment is a release, not of joy but of the accumulated pain of his unspoken life. He thinks of his sister Maria in the cellar, covered in confectionary sugar, searching for sweetness. The laughter marks the end of his suicidal ideation, but it does not erase his loneliness. He accepts that people “hold vast, unknowable universes.” This realization brings a fragile peace, yet the isolation remains—he never fully confides in anyone.

Character and Symbol Connections

Characters

Evie Dam: Artie’s wife is both a companion and a source of loneliness. She loves him but is irritated by his softness. She keeps her own private grief and compartmentalizes. They share a home but not their deepest selves.
Rob Dam: Artie’s son is a lifeline, but their relationship is strained by secrets. Rob’s announcement of his divorce and new partner triggers Artie’s crisis. Later, Rob’s revelation about his biological father deepens Artie’s sense of betrayal and isolation.
Flossie MacDonald: Flossie is Artie’s confidante, but she moves away. Her absence is a direct cause of his loneliness. When they reunite, her own drunken confession shows that loneliness is a shared human condition—yet they still cannot fully connect.
Danny Marino: The student who writes “People suck” and vandalizes a wall. Artie bonds with him by admitting he also wants to say “fuck you to the world.” Danny discovers that adults have “secrets… serious and sad,” which comforts him. This connection is real but limited; Artie still hides his suicidal thoughts.
Kenneth Moynihan: Artie’s rescuer and dinner companion. Ken affirms Artie’s bond with Rob, but he also supports a president Artie opposes. Their friendship survives political difference, but Artie never tells Ken the full extent of his despair.
Rhonda Lazarre: The student who shares a story about a lonely old woman. Artie recognizes the woman’s suffering, showing his empathy. Yet he cannot apply that understanding to himself.

Symbols

The sailboat: Artie’s boat represents both escape and the means of his planned suicide. In the epilogue, he finds peace sailing alone, but the boat also isolates him. It is a vessel for his loneliness.
The stolen comb: Artie shoplifts a comb as a reckless act, a cry for attention he cannot voice. The comb is a trivial object that embodies his need to take something without permission, reflecting his feeling that his life has been stolen from him.
The letter from Reginald: This letter is the object of the central secret. It becomes a burden Artie carries, a physical symbol of the truth he cannot share. After his death, Evie discovers it, and his loneliness is finally known—but too late.
Confectionary sugar memory: The image of Artie’s sister Maria covered in sugar, looking for something sweet, recurs as a motif of lost innocence and the search for comfort. It is the memory that surfaces during his laughter, linking childhood deprivation to adult despair.

Complexity and Contradiction

Strout’s portrayal of loneliness is not simplistic. Artie has genuine connections: he is a beloved teacher, a devoted father, and a caring friend. He jokes with colleagues, mentors students, and shares meals with Ken. Yet he is suicidal. The contradiction lies in the gap between how others see him and how he sees himself. To his wife, he is “the most considerate man she had ever known.” To Danny, he is “cheerful Mr. Dam.” They are blind to his inner world. Strout writes that we are all blind, grasping only “the smallest details of one another’s selves.” Artie’s loneliness is not a failure of relationships but a fundamental condition of the human experience: we can never fully know another person, nor be fully known.

The epigraph from Jung insists that loneliness arises from holding views others find inadmissible. Artie’s belief that the world is cruel, that his mother’s words poisoned him, that he cannot bear the future—these are views he cannot share. When he does try, as with Evie about the drowning story, she dismisses him. His loneliness is structural, woven into the fabric of his life.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does the epigraph from Carl Jung define loneliness in the novel?
Answer: The epigraph states that loneliness comes from being unable to communicate what is personally important or from holding views others reject. The novel illustrates this through Artie’s inability to share his suicide plan, his paternity secret, and his despair—truths that would be inadmissible to those around him.

2. Why does Artie decide to wait until Rob’s new relationship is secure before attempting suicide?
Answer: Artie cares deeply for his son and does not want to burden him. He believes Rob needs stability first. This self-sacrifice is also a form of loneliness: he plans his death alone, without consulting anyone, assuming his disappearance would be less painful after Rob is happy.

3. What role does the stolen comb play in expressing Artie’s isolation?
Answer: The comb is a symbol of Artie’s desire to take something without having to ask or explain. It is a petty, secret act that mirrors his larger secret—the truth of Rob’s paternity. When Evie finds it and he lies, it deepens the distance between them. The comb becomes a tangible sign of his unspoken needs.

4. How does Artie’s bond with Danny Marino reveal the limits of connection?
Answer: Artie and Danny share a moment of mutual recognition: both want to say “fuck you to the world.” Danny finds comfort in knowing adults have secrets. Yet Artie never tells Danny about his suicidal thoughts. Their bond is genuine but cannot penetrate Artie’s deepest isolation. Connection is possible but not complete.

5. In the epilogue, why does Rob ask Danny if Artie killed himself, and why does Rob lie?
Answer: Rob knows the truth but chooses to protect Artie’s legacy. He tells Danny it was natural causes. This lie echoes the novel’s theme of unspoken truths. Even after death, the full story of Artie’s loneliness is not shared, preserving the complexity of his life and the ongoing silence that defined it.