Characters The Things We Never Say Elizabeth Strout

Rob Dam: The Son Caught Between Secrets and Redemption

Overview

Rob Dam is the adult son of Artie and Evie Dam, a software engineer living in Somerville, Massachusetts. His life is shaped by two cataclysmic secrets: the car crash that killed his girlfriend Heather when he was seventeen, and the revelation—delivered by a letter from the dying Reginald MacDonald—that Artie is not his biological father. Rob’s arc moves from a withdrawn, guilt-ridden young man to someone who seeks honesty with his father and ultimately builds a new life in Europe.

Plot Role

Rob’s decisions drive the novel’s central crisis. His visit to announce he is leaving his wife Francesca for a woman named Rachel opens Chapter 1, interrupting Artie’s secret suicide plan. Later, Rob reveals the paternity letter, forcing Artie to confront a lie that has lasted twenty-eight years. In the epilogue, Rob returns from Brussels for Artie’s funeral and assures a grieving student that Artie died of natural causes, providing closure. He also reports that he now works for the European Union because he no longer trusts U.S. intelligence—a quiet political stance that echoes the novel’s themes of division.

Motivations and Traits Shown Through Actions

Rob is defined by a deep, unspoken shame. After the accident, he becomes quiet and distant, and Artie observes that Rob “had turned quiet” and “lived with a sense of almost unbearable shame.” His choice to marry Francesca, a concert pianist nine years his senior, is partly motivated by a desire for something “slightly offbeat” and clean. When he learns the truth about his parentage, he spends months hiding it, telling only Francesca. His relief after telling Artie is enormous: “He was astonished at the relief he felt now that his father knew that awful secret.”

Rob’s loyalty is tested when he must decide whom to trust. He does not tell Rachel about the paternity issue, sensing unreliability. His eventual decision to write a letter to Heather’s parents shows courage and a wish to make amends, even at the risk of reopening old wounds. His move to Brussels underscores his independence and his growing disillusionment with his home country.

Chronological Arc

  • Before the novel: A happy child who loves sailing with Artie. At seventeen, he drives with Heather; the car crashes, killing her. Rob survives but changes: he withdraws from family, loses hair, and becomes a serious, isolated MIT student.
  • Early in the novel: He is married to Francesca but drifting. He receives Reginald’s letter and tells no one for seven months. He then visits Artie to announce he is leaving Francesca for Rachel, though the paternity secret remains unspoken.
  • Mid-novel: He confesses the paternity to Artie during an unannounced visit to his apartment. Afterward, he feels profound relief and recommits to Francesca. He also seeks Artie’s advice on breaking up with Rachel.
  • Late novel: He writes to Heather’s parents, supported by Artie. At Christmas, he gives Artie a sailboat and promises to sail with him. He later reveals to Artie that he works for the EU and warns about erosion of civil liberties in the U.S.
  • Epilogue: After Artie’s death, Rob flies in from Brussels. He assures Danny Marino that Artie did not kill himself, provides a voice of clarity, and returns to Europe, telling Evie he cannot risk coming back.

Relationships

  • Artie Dam: The most important relationship in the novel. Rob sees his father as “Jolly Artie” but senses hidden depths. After the paternity reveal, Rob says he loves Artie even more. Artie’s unwavering acceptance—“You’re my son. It makes no difference to me”—allows Rob to begin healing.
  • Evie Dam: Rob’s relationship with his mother is strained. He hesitates to tell her about the letter, and when Evie eventually discovers it after Artie’s death, the phone call devastates her. Rob does not take her side, leading to a permanent rift.
  • Francesca: Rob’s wife. She is his confidante during the paternity crisis. He leaves her for Rachel but later returns to her; their reconciliation is implied when she appears with him at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
  • Rachel: A younger woman whom Rob dates after separating from Francesca. Evie suspects Rachel is a kleptomaniac, and Rob later admits unease about her character. He follows Artie’s advice to break up with her.
  • Heather Morrison: The deceased girlfriend. Her parents sued Rob after the accident. Years later, Rob writes them a letter—a risky but honest act that Artie encourages, and Ken Moynihan supports.

Key Decisions and Consequences

  1. Concealing the paternity letter for months: This deepens Rob’s isolation and sense of shame. It also delays Artie’s own confrontation with the truth.
  2. Revealing the truth to Artie: The confession lifts a weight from Rob and strengthens their bond. It also triggers Artie’s decision not to tell Evie, creating a new layer of lies.
  3. Leaving Francesca for Rachel: A misguided move that Rob quickly regrets. He later ends the relationship with Rachel, returning to Francesca.
  4. Writing to Heather’s parents: A moral choice that risks reopening old pain but offers potential closure. The letter’s reception is left ambiguous, but Artie and Ken validate the effort.
  5. Moving to Brussels and working for the EU: A reflection of Rob’s loss of faith in American institutions. This decision separates him geographically from his aging parents and creates distance from Evie.

Theme Connections

  • Secrets and Lies
    Rob is the keeper of multiple secrets: the accident’s details, Reginald’s letter, and his own feelings of shame. The burden of these unspoken truths isolates him.

  • Loneliness
    The novel’s epigraph from Carl Jung redefines loneliness as the inability to communicate what matters. Rob cannot tell his father about the accident or the paternity, leading to a profound aloneness.

  • Parenthood and Fatherhood
    Rob’s identity as a son is shattered by the DNA test, yet Artie’s steadfast love proves that fatherhood transcends biology. Rob’s own potential as a father is never realized in the story, but his care for Francesca and his emotional honesty suggest growth.

  • Free Will
    Rob exercises free will in small but significant ways: choosing to tell Artie, choosing to write the letter, choosing to leave the country. These decisions stand against the determinism of DNA and fate.

  • Political Division
    In the epilogue, Rob voices distrust of U.S. intelligence and warns of eroded civil liberties. This quiet political stance aligns with the novel’s broader critique of national fissures.

Questions and Answers

1. Why does Rob wait seven months to tell Artie about Reginald’s letter?
Rob is terrified that revealing the truth will damage his relationship with the man he considers his real father. He also struggles with his own identity: he goes for a DNA test to confirm the letter’s claim before he can speak. His hesitation reflects deep shame and a desire not to hurt Artie.

2. Does Rob ever tell Evie that he knows about his biological father?
In the novel, Rob does not tell Evie directly. He tells Artie that he went to the house intending to tell her but “chickened out.” After Artie’s death, Evie finds the letter in Artie’s mother’s jewelry box and calls Rob, leading to a devastating phone call where Rob does not take her side.

3. What motivates Rob to write to Heather’s parents?
Rob carries guilt over Heather’s death and the aftermath. He asks Artie for advice, and Artie encourages the gesture. Rob hopes the letter might bring some peace to Heather’s parents and also seeks his own absolution. Ken Moynihan, who knows the family, confirms they would welcome a well-crafted letter.

4. Why does Rob break up with Rachel?
Rob grows uneasy about Rachel’s character. After a friend accuses Rachel of stealing a poetry book, and Evie claims Rachel stole a pillbox from their home, Rob seeks Artie’s counsel. Artie advises him to end the relationship, and Rob succeeds, returning to Francesca. The breakup shows Rob’s increasing trust in his father’s judgment.

5. How does Rob’s work for the EU reflect the novel’s themes?
In the epilogue, Rob tells Artie that U.S. intelligence is untrustworthy and warns about imminent erosion of civil liberties. This move underscores the novel’s exploration of political division and personal integrity. By working for a European institution, Rob aligns himself with a broader, more stable order, mirroring his psychological journey toward honesty and self-reliance. It also distances him from the small-town world of his parents, marking his final step into adulthood.

For further reading, see the book summary, explore themes of loneliness, or examine the ending explained.