Regret and the Wisdom of the Dying in The Collected Regrets of Clover

The Thematic Claim

In The Collected Regrets of Clover, Mikki Brammer weaves a central theme around the idea that the regrets of the dying are not merely confessions to be recorded but a form of practical wisdom for the living. Yet the novel complicates this notion by showing that such wisdom only becomes transformative when the living risk engaging with life rather than merely documenting it. Clover, a death doula, spends her days collecting the final words of her clients in three notebooks—labeled REGRETS, CONFESSIONS, and ADVICE—and then tries to honor those regrets in her own life. But her meticulous practice initially serves as a shield against her own fears and loneliness. It is only when she confronts the regrets of Claudia, a vibrant ninety-one-year-old woman, and hears her final advice to “be cautiously reckless,” that Clover begins to apply the wisdom she has gathered to her own existence. The novel ultimately argues that regret, when faced honestly, can be a catalyst for growth, but that wisdom hoarded without action becomes a form of avoidance.

The Origins of Clover’s Practice

Clover’s fascination with death begins in childhood. In the opening chapter, at age five, she witnesses her kindergarten teacher, Mr. Hyland, die while reading Peter Rabbit. She alone approaches him, holds his hand, and hears his final breath. The school recommends counseling, but her self-absorbed parents dismiss the incident, buying her ice cream and concluding she is fine. Clover is left to wonder what Mr. Hyland’s last words would have been had they not been about a naughty rabbit. This early encounter plants a seed: she becomes attuned to the significance of final moments and the unspoken thoughts that accompany them.

Her grandfather, who raises her after her parents’ neglect, reinforces this curiosity. Though he never says “I love you” aloud, he teaches Clover to observe the world with an introvert’s eye. After his death, she inherits his West Village apartment, and his memory permeates her life—his insects in resin, his kangaroo skull, his brass compass. Clover’s practice of documenting the last words of dying people begins as a way to acknowledge lives that might otherwise be forgotten. As she reflects in chapter 11, she initially kept the notebooks simply to record, but over time she began to revisit them for guidance, selecting an entry and integrating its wisdom into her own life. For example, she honors the regret of Camille Salem, who wished she had started eating mangoes earlier, by savoring a mango herself. She atones for Guillermo’s confession about accidentally killing his sister’s hamster by volunteering at an animal shelter. And she carries ten-dollar bills to slip into street musicians’ cases in memory of Ronald, who stole from them.

This practice gives Clover a sense of purpose and connection, but it also becomes a way to avoid her own life. She lives alone with her pets, George the bulldog and tabby siblings Lola and Lionel, and her only friend is her elderly neighbor Leo Drake, with whom she plays mahjong. She is uneasy about new neighbors, disliking the unpredictability they bring. Her binoculars, which she uses to spy on the windows across the street, symbolize her preference for observation over engagement. As she admits in chapter 42, observing rather than engaging meant she didn’t have to invest emotionally. Her collection of regrets becomes a substitute for living her own life.

The Wisdom of the Dying as Guidance

The novel offers several vivid examples of how the regrets of the dying can serve as practical lessons. In chapter 44, Clover reads the entry for Jack Rainer, a fifty-six-year-old lawyer with an inoperable brain tumor. Jack’s regret is that he never learned his wife’s native language, Nepali. He tells Clover that he always complimented his wife in English, never in her language, and so never truly spoke to her heart. Moved by this, Clover signs up for a two-week online Nepali course, a small step toward honoring Jack’s memory. This act demonstrates the novel’s central idea: that by learning from others’ regrets, we can avoid making the same mistakes.

Similarly, Claudia’s regrets are central to the theme. In chapter 33, Claudia confesses that she regrets putting the needs of others ahead of her own, as she was taught to do as a woman. She reveals that she resented her son, her husband, and even her house, which felt like a prison. This confession is raw and painful, but it also carries wisdom: Claudia wishes she had lived for herself. Her final advice to Clover, delivered in chapter 47, is to “learn from my mistakes” and “be cautiously reckless.” She tells Clover not to let the best parts of life pass her by because she is too scared of the unknown. This advice becomes a turning point for Clover, who has been living in fear of loss and change.

The novel also shows that the wisdom of the dying is not always profound. Some regrets are mundane, like Camille’s mangoes or Harry the carpenter’s wish that he had learned to knit. But even these small regrets point to a larger truth: that we often postpone joy or connection out of habit or fear. Clover’s practice of honoring these regrets—whether by eating a mango or learning a language—is a way of acknowledging that life is finite and that we should not wait until it is too late.

The Limits of Collected Wisdom

Despite the value of this wisdom, the novel complicates the idea that collecting regrets is enough. Clover’s notebooks become a crutch. She spends so much time honoring the regrets of others that she neglects her own. In chapter 44, after a road trip with Sebastian, she realizes that she is a hypocrite: she spent her days looking death in the face and still hadn’t found a way to manage her own grief. Sebastian, who has become her romantic interest, bluntly tells her that she is using her work to avoid developing lasting relationships. He points out that she is a loner with an increasing penchant for dishonesty and that she chooses to spend time with dying people so she doesn’t have to commit to the living.

This critique forces Clover to confront her own regrets. She has never asked her grandfather about his life, and she later learns from Bessie, a friend of her grandfather, that he and Bessie went dancing every Thursday for nearly ten years. Clover realizes that she never knew this side of him, and that she has been clinging to his memory without truly understanding him. Her regret is not about what she did, but about what she failed to do: to engage with the people she loved while they were alive.

The novel also suggests that some regrets are unavoidable, and that the wisdom of the dying is not always actionable. Claudia’s regret about not living for herself is a systemic issue, rooted in societal expectations. She cannot undo the past, but she can pass on her lesson to Clover. Similarly, Jack Rainer’s regret about not learning Nepali is a missed opportunity that cannot be recovered, but Clover can honor it by learning the language herself. The wisdom of the dying, then, is not about fixing the past but about shaping the future.

Transformation and Application

Clover’s transformation begins when she starts to apply Claudia’s advice. After Claudia’s death, Clover resolves to live a life that would make her grandfather, Claudia, and Leo proud. She begins to unpack the leather bag that Hugo gave her—a symbol of the adventures she has been avoiding. She decides to travel, starting in Nepal, with no fixed itinerary. She carries Claudia’s ashes in her backpack, planning to scatter them in Corsica, where Claudia’s great love is also to be scattered. In the epilogue, she stands on the cliffs of Bonifacio with Hugo, watching the two clouds of ashes drift into the Mediterranean, finally reunited. She reflects that if Claudia and Hugo had reunited in life, the Hugo beside her would not exist, nor would the past three months she spent traveling the world and recording her adventures in a notebook. She is about to return to New York to begin photography studies, a new chapter in her life.

This transformation is not a complete rejection of her old practice. Clover still writes Leo’s final words into her ADVICE notebook before leaving, and she continues to honor the regrets of others. But she now applies that wisdom to her own life. She has learned that regret can be a guide, not a prison. The novel’s final line, “we are here,” suggests that the mystery of life is what makes it magical, and that we must embrace the unknown rather than hide from it.

Complexity and Contradiction

The theme of regret and the wisdom of the dying is not presented without nuance. The novel acknowledges that death is often random and cruel, as Clover notes in chapter 12: death doesn’t care if you’ve been kind all your life. This randomness means that some people die with regrets they never had a chance to address, while others live long enough to reflect. The novel also questions whether knowing one’s death date would help or hinder living well. In a death café discussion, Tabitha argues that knowing would allow her to prioritize, while Sebastian says he would become obsessed with changing the outcome. Clover herself suggests that people die with regrets because they live like they are invincible, not thinking about death until it is too late.

Furthermore, the wisdom of the dying is not always clear-cut. Claudia’s regrets are mixed with guilt—she feels guilty for having lived longer than others, and for not being grateful enough. She struggles with the idea of dying gracefully, and Clover reminds her that gratitude does not free us from sadness or fear. This complexity suggests that regret is not a simple lesson to be learned, but a messy, human emotion that can coexist with love, resentment, and hope.

The novel also shows that honoring regrets can be a double-edged sword. Clover’s practice gives her purpose, but it also isolates her. She must learn to balance her role as a death doula with her own need for connection. The mahjong set she shares with Leo represents the importance of living relationships, not just recorded ones. And the leather bag Hugo gives her is a symbol of the adventures she must take to truly honor the wisdom she has collected.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Clover’s childhood experience with Mr. Hyland shape her later career as a death doula?

Clover’s early encounter with death—witnessing her teacher’s final breath and wondering about his last words—instills in her a deep curiosity about the end of life. This experience, combined with her grandfather’s influence, leads her to seek meaning in the final moments of others. Her practice of recording regrets and confessions is an attempt to understand what people deem important when facing death, and to find direction for her own life.

1. What role do the three notebooks (REGRETS, CONFESSIONS, ADVICE) play in Clover’s development?

The notebooks are both a tool for honoring the dead and a shield for Clover’s own fears. They allow her to feel connected to others and to give purpose to her days, but they also enable her to avoid forming lasting relationships. Over time, she learns that the notebooks are not an end in themselves; they are a starting point for applying wisdom to her own life. By the end, she writes Leo’s final words into the ADVICE notebook, but she also embarks on her own adventures, suggesting that the notebooks have served their purpose.

1. How does Claudia’s regret about putting others first challenge Clover’s understanding of a well-lived life?

Claudia’s confession that she resented her family and felt trapped by her roles as wife, mother, and daughter forces Clover to reconsider what it means to live authentically. Clover initially believes that serving others is a privilege, but Claudia’s regret shows that sacrificing one’s own needs can lead to bitterness. This insight, combined with Claudia’s final advice to “be cautiously reckless,” pushes Clover to prioritize her own desires and take risks, such as traveling and starting photography studies.

1. In what ways does the novel suggest that the wisdom of the dying is limited or contradictory?

The novel shows that some regrets are trivial (like Camille’s mangoes) while others are profound (like Claudia’s). It also acknowledges that death is random and that not everyone has the chance to reflect on their regrets. Furthermore, the wisdom of the dying is not always actionable—Claudia cannot undo her past, and Jack cannot learn Nepali after his death. The novel suggests that the value of this wisdom lies not in fixing the past but in guiding the living to make different choices.

1. How do the symbols of the binoculars and the leather bag illustrate Clover’s transformation?

The binoculars represent Clover’s tendency to observe life from a distance, avoiding emotional investment. She uses them to spy on her neighbors, a metaphor for her detachment. The leather bag, given to her by Hugo, symbolizes the adventures she has been avoiding. When she finally unpacks it and uses it for her travels, she is embracing engagement over observation. The shift from binoculars to bag mirrors her move from passive collection of regrets to active living of her own life.