Chapter 20: Imogen's Dreams and the Beginning of Self-Discovery

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Imogen cannot fall asleep. Her mind races with discomfort—her foot itches, her pillow feels wrong, and sounds from the hallway distract her. Even Lili’s white‑noise app seems too loud. Her thoughts keep wandering into imagined scenes with Tessa.

In the first dream, Imogen is on a balcony wearing a prom dress she almost bought but decided against because it felt too girly. Tessa steps out wearing a half‑buttoned black shirt like a character from But I’m a Cheerleader. Tessa asks Imogen if she can ask something, then nervously asks her out on a date. Imogen panics and responds that she is straight. Tessa laughs sadly, says she “just had to try,” and asks Imogen to let her know if she ever is not straight. They share a wistful smile.

The scene then shifts abruptly to the tunnels from earlier in the story. Imogen and Tessa are alone. Tessa asks Imogen to be her fake girlfriend because her ex is in town and she wants to show she has moved on. Tessa adds that she is not secretly in love with Imogen—then quickly amends: “Unless you want me to be.” Imogen stares back, and tears spill from her eyes. Tessa wipes away a tear and cups Imogen’s cheek. Imogen chokes out that she thought she was straight. The chapter ends with Imogen’s internal thought: “Maybe—”, leaving open the possibility that she may not be straight after all.

Key Events

Imogen cannot sleep; her mind is restless and hyper‑aware of physical discomfort.
She imagines a romantic balcony scene with Tessa, who asks her out; Imogen claims she is straight.
The dream transitions to a tunnel setting where Tessa asks Imogen to be her fake girlfriend.
Tessa says she is not secretly in love with Imogen, then adds “Unless you want me to be.”
Imogen begins to cry and admits she thought she was straight.
Tessa gently wipes Imogen’s tears and cups her face.
The chapter closes with Imogen questioning her identity: “Maybe—”.

Character Development

Imogen – This chapter represents a major turning point. For the first time, she actively imagines herself in a romantic situation with a woman, and her emotional reaction—tears, confusion, and the final word “Maybe—” shows she is beginning to acknowledge feelings she has repressed. Her earlier certainty about being straight is shaken.

Tessa (in Imogen’s imagination) – Tessa is portrayed as confident yet vulnerable, willing to express her interest despite the risk of rejection. Her gesture of wiping Imogen’s tears conveys tenderness and care, encouraging Imogen to open up.

Themes, Symbols, and Motifs

Identity and Self‑Discovery – Imogen’s dreaming mind forces her to confront a side of herself she has never allowed. The chapter marks the start of her queerness becoming conscious.
Denial and Acceptance – Imogen’s initial claim of being straight is a defense mechanism. The tears and the final “Maybe—” signal a shift toward acceptance.
Dreams as Subconscious Truth – The fantasies bypass Imogen’s daytime control, revealing desires she has not yet admitted in real life.
Symbolism of the Prom Dress vs. the Tunnels – The prom dress represents heterosexual expectations and a public performance of femininity; the tunnels stand for secrecy, hidden identities, and the fake‑girlfriend arrangement. The movement from one setting to the other mirrors Imogen’s movement from denial to self‑questioning.
Physical Touch – Tessa wiping Imogen’s tear and cupping her cheek symbolises intimacy and comfort, breaking through Imogen’s emotional barriers.

Why This Chapter Matters

Chapter 20 is a pivotal moment in the novel. It is the first time Imogen explicitly entertains the idea that she might not be straight, moving beyond heteronormative assumptions that have defined her up to this point. The dreams function as a safe space for her to explore her attraction to Tessa without real‑world consequences. This chapter sets up the central internal conflict for the remainder of the story: Imogen must reconcile her newly acknowledged feelings with her existing self‑image and navigate the possibility of coming out. The cliffhanger ending (“Maybe—”) creates narrative tension and invites the reader to follow Imogen’s journey of self‑discovery.

Study Questions and Answers

Why does Imogen’s dream shift from a balcony to the tunnels?
The balcony setting may represent a public, idealized version of coming out—romantic and cinematic. The tunnels, in contrast, reflect the secrecy and pressure of the fake‑girlfriend plot. The shift signals Imogen’s subconscious grounding the dream in the real challenges she faces: having to pretend while hiding her true feelings.
What does Tessa’s line “Unless you want me to be” reveal about Imogen’s deeper desires?
The line directly challenges Imogen to admit whether she wants Tessa to be secretly in love with her. The fact that Imogen becomes emotional and cries suggests that deep down she does want that, contradicting her earlier statement of being straight. It forces the question onto Imogen’s own internal conflict.
How does the author use sensory details to convey Imogen’s state of mind at the start of the chapter?
Details such as an itching foot, a lumpy pillow, and the obtrusive white‑noise app create a sense of physical and mental restlessness. These small discomforts mirror Imogen’s inability to quiet her thoughts and her resistance to confronting her feelings about Tessa.