Chapter 9: Step on Me, Julianne Moore – Summary & Analysis

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

In Chapter 9, Jill Gutowitz describes her recent obsession with The Bachelor franchise, which she views as an alien window into heterosexual dating norms. She focuses on the recurring trope of women saying a man reminds them of their father and wonders if a Sapphic equivalent exists. The chapter pivots when Gutowitz recounts her mother casually revealing that Jill was accidentally malnourished as an infant. Gutowitz interprets this as the origin of her lifelong craving for female attention. She traces her childhood crushes on older women—babysitters, teachers, friends’ older sisters—and connects them to the online “step on me” phenomenon, where queer women ask older celebrities to assert dominance. Gutowitz critiques 2000s MILF culture as male-gazey and redefines what a MILF means for queer women, emphasizing maternal care, safety, and even violence. She argues that the desire for submission is rooted in internalized queer shame and that asking to be harmed is a way of reclaiming that shame. The chapter ends with a playful plea for Julianne Moore to step on her.

Key Events

Gutowitz confesses her obsession with The Bachelor and analyzes the heteronormative “he reminds me of my dad” statement.
Her mother nonchalantly reveals that Gutowitz was accidentally malnourished at two weeks old because she wasn’t producing enough milk.
Gutowitz catalogs her childhood attractions: the “extremely hot” babysitter, a teacher (Ms. Long), friends’ older sisters like “Caroline,” and fictional characters such as Miss Honey and Geena Davis in A League of Their Own.
She explains the “step on me, Mom” meme on social media, citing examples like Brie Larson punching an old woman and Rachel Weisz choking Olivia Colman.
Gutowitz contrasts the 2000s male-centric MILF archetype (Stifler’s mom, Stacy’s Mom) with queer women’s attraction to maternal, protective, and dominant older women.
She connects the request for violent submission (“step on me”) to a history of queer shame, arguing that straight people cannot claim the same dynamic.

Character Development

Jill Gutowitz: Positions herself as a formerly closeted queer woman who now openly explores her attraction to older women. Her understanding of her own desires deepens as she connects the malnourishment anecdote with her lifelong “thirst” for female attention. She moves from repressed observer to active participant in Lesbian Mommy Twitter.
Jill’s Mother: Appears as a well-meaning but slightly oblivious figure whose offhand remark unlocks a psychological framework for Gutowitz’s entire identity.
Julianne Moore / Caroline (friend’s older sister): Stand in as the unattainable older women who ignite desire and shame; they are more symbols than developed characters.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Queer Shame and Reclamation: The “step on me” outburst is analyzed as an expression of deep-seated shame that the queer woman consciously owns and redefines as agency.
Mother-Daughter Dynamics: Gutowitz treats the mother relationship as a complex, often unresolved bond that influences how queer women seek partners who embody maternal care or dominance.
Redefining MILF Culture: The chapter explicitly queers the 2000s MILF archetype, replacing male-gaze hypersexualization with images of strength, protection, and the possibility of harm.
Heterosexuality as Alien Landscape: The Bachelor functions as a case study for observing heteronormative rituals from a queer outsider perspective.
Food and Starvation: The literal infant malnourishment becomes a metaphor for emotional and sexual deprivation, linking physical hunger to the craving for female attention.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter is a linchpin in the collection, blending personal memoir with internet-era media criticism. Gutowitz takes a humorous online meme and gives it psychological and cultural weight. She confronts the shame that often accompanies queer desire and shows how a new generation uses humor and hyperbole to reclaim that shame. The chapter also challenges dominant narratives of what is considered attractive, centering queer women’s perspectives and asserting that their desires are valid and meaningful—even when they involve asking Julianne Moore to commit fictional violence.

Study Questions and Answers

What does Gutowitz propose as the Sapphic equivalent of a straight woman saying a man reminds her of her father?
Answer: She suggests that queer women may be drawn to partners who remind them of their mothers, but she clarifies that “mommy issues” are common among queer women without causing lesbianism. She points to online “lesbian mommy culture” where women openly desire older actresses.
How does Gutowitz differentiate queer women’s MILF culture from the 2000s male-centric MILF archetype?
Answer: The 2000s MILF was shaped by male fantasy—hypersexualized, surgically enhanced, and designed to look younger. Gutowitz redefines a MILF as a maternal figure who provides care and safety, such as Miss Honey or Geena Davis’s character. She proposes new acronyms like MILFEM (“Mother I’d Like to Fucking End Me”) to incorporate dominance and submission.
Why does Gutowitz assert that straight women should not participate in “step on me” or “kill me” thirst culture?
Answer: She argues that queer people have been shamed for their desires from a young age, so asking for violent treatment is a way of owning that shame and turning it into empowerment. Straight people have not experienced that shaming, so their participation lacks the same psychological foundation and can feel appropriative.