Chapter 5: A Supercut of Lesbian Yearning

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Jill Gutowitz begins by framing lesbian yearning through the adolescent fantasy of staring out a rainy car window, imagining an Avril Lavigne music video. She contrasts this with straight people's yearnings, arguing that queer women are taught to want without acting. She then recounts her pre-lesbian dating life in the "Thirst Vacuum"—a period of numbness where she dated men she felt she should want, like Jason the hockey player, and others she nicknames "Hereditary," "Sex Offender," and "Lena Dunham Guy." These relationships were bland and unfulfilling.

After moving to Los Angeles in 2013, she lived in a crowded townhouse and was invited to "Dinner Crew," a Christian group run by actor Billy that felt like a cult. There she reconnected with Darcy, a Disney Channel actress whom her friend Ian was dating. Gutowitz became obsessed with Darcy, attending the cult solely to see her. Their friendship intensified: they texted constantly, and Gutowitz cat-sat for Darcy while she filmed a show. When Darcy returned, she had met a man, and their relationship soured. Darcy kissed Gutowitz one night in a bar to ward off another man, then later made Gutowitz say "I love you" before letting her into an Uber. Eventually Darcy ghosted her.

Gutowitz reflects on how romantic comedies like Serendipity teach that the chase is the goal, while lesbian films such as Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Blue Is the Warmest Colour, and Lost and Delirious show yearning culminating in tragedy or loss. She identifies a "yearn cage" that queer people internalize—the idea that suffering is rewarding—and concludes that life beyond yearning is possible.

Key Events

Gutowitz describes her adolescent yearning and introduces the "Thirst Vacuum" of dating men she didn't want.
She moves to L.A. in 2013 with little money, sharing a house with five roommates including the homophobic Sarah.
She attends Dinner Crew, a Christian group for teen actors, where she sees Darcy again.
Gutowitz and Darcy become inseparable; Gutowitz cat-sits for Darcy while she films in Vancouver.
Darcy returns and reveals she met a man; Gutowitz feels crushed and confronts her feelings.
Darcy kisses Gutowitz at a bar and later makes her say "I love you" in an Uber.
Darcy ultimately ghosts Gutowitz.
Gutowitz contrasts the endings of straight rom-coms (happy, consummated) with lesbian films (tragic, unresolved).
She theorizes the "yearn cage" and decides to move past it.

Character Development

Jill Gutowitz transitions from a numb, directionless dater of men to someone who can finally acknowledge her desire for women, though she initially romanticizes yearning itself. She learns that wanting without acting is a trap.
Darcy serves as the object of yearning—cool, elusive, and ultimately unwilling to reciprocate Gutowitz's deeper feelings. She represents the unattainable crush that fuels the "yearn cage."
Ian, Darcy's ex-boyfriend, fades from the story as Gutowitz's obsession with Darcy grows, illustrating how yearning can destroy other friendships.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Yearning is presented as the defining queer female experience. Gutowitz defines it as the energy of wanting without possessing, contrasting straight romance that can be freely acted upon.
The Thirst Vacuum symbolizes a state of emotional numbness where Gutowitz felt no desire at all, a stark contrast to the overwhelming yearning that follows.
Dinner Crew represents the lengths queer people will go to (even joining a religious cult) just to be near a crush.
Lesbian film endings (tragic, ambiguous) versus heterosexual rom-com endings (happy, consummated) highlight how queer narratives teach that desire ends in loss, not fulfillment.
The "yearn cage" is a metaphor for the self-imposed prison of wanting without acting, reinforced by internalized homophobia and media representation.
Glancing becomes a lesbian love language—a safe, non-action way to express desire.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter is the emotional core of the book, connecting Gutowitz's personal coming-out story to a broader critique of pop culture. It explains why queer women often feel stuck in longing, using her own painful friendship with Darcy as a case study. By dissecting both straight and lesbian films, she shows how representation shapes self-concept and behavior. The chapter ends with a call to escape the "yearn cage" and embrace real connection, marking a turning point in the author's journey toward self-acceptance.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Gutowitz use the "Thirst Vacuum" to describe her pre-queer dating life, and what does it reveal about her relationship with desire?

The "Thirst Vacuum" is a period when Gutowitz felt no sexual or romantic desire at all. She dated men she thought she should be with—like hockey player Jason—but felt nothing. This reveals that she was disconnected from her own wants, living on autopilot. The vacuum ends when she meets Darcy, and sudden intense yearning becomes her new reality, showing that her desire had been suppressed, not absent.

2. Compare the endings of Serendipity (a straight rom-com) with Portrait of a Lady on Fire (a lesbian film) as Gutowitz presents them. What argument does she make about queer representation?

Serendipity ends with the couple triumphantly reuniting; the chase is rewarded with a happy forever. Portrait of a Lady on Fire ends with the women separated, one finding "satisfaction" in having loved at all. Gutowitz argues that straight films teach that yearning leads to fulfillment, while lesbian films teach that yearning ends in tragedy or loss. This double message reinforces the idea that queer love is painful and unattainable.

3. What is the "yearn cage," and how does Gutowitz suggest breaking free from it?

The "yearn cage" is the internalized belief that queer people should want but never act—that suffering is the correct feeling. Gutowitz breaks free by recognizing that living in the want is a fantasy, not a life. She implies that honesty, vulnerability, and taking action (like dating her first girlfriend) are necessary to escape the cage. The final line, "Your life is so much bigger," offers a hopeful resolution.