Chapter 36: “and so i stayed there” – Summary & Analysis
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
Chapter 36 is a single poem titled “and so i stayed there.” The speaker reflects on years that have passed quickly (“spread and stretched and flew”) while she remains in place. Despite not being convinced that she is not a burden, she knows that Joti and Aunty Jee are at work during the day and Sahaara is asleep, leaving her alone with the “monsters tucked away at the back of my mind.” These inner demons find her, and she acknowledges how much they want her. Recognizing her need to lean on these two women—described as born from the selfless earth of her motherland with hearts larger than she deserves—she decides to stay so that the darkness does not consume her.
Key Events
- The speaker notes the passage of time (years “spread and stretched and flew”).
- She admits she is not fully convinced she is not a burden to those around her.
- She observes that Joti and Aunty Jee are often at work, and Sahaara (likely a child) is asleep.
- During those quiet hours, the “monsters” in her mind find her.
- The speaker recognizes that she must rely on the two older women for support.
- She stays in their presence, understanding that their care keeps the darkness from swallowing her.
Character Development
The speaker / narrator – Demonstrates self-awareness of her mental struggles and a hesitant but active choice to accept help. She grapples with feeling like a burden, yet her decision to remain with Joti and Aunty Jee shows growth in her ability to lean on others rather than isolate.
Joti and Aunty Jee – Though not directly speaking, they are portrayed as nurturing, protective figures. The poem’s imagery (“selfless earth of my motherland”, “hearts larger than i deserved”) emphasizes their role as saviors who provide a safe space.
Sahaara – Mentioned only as someone who sleeps, possibly a child. Her presence suggests a family or household environment, underlining the everyday reality in which the speaker’s struggle unfolds.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
- Mental health and inner darkness – The “monsters tucked away / at the back of my mind” symbolize depression, trauma, or anxiety that surfaces when the speaker is alone.
- Burden and self-worth – The speaker’s sense of being a burden (unconvinced she isn’t) reflects a common struggle for those recovering from trauma.
- Support and women’s strength – Joti and Aunty Jee are described with earth imagery, connecting them to ancestral homeland and resilience. They represent a lifeline that prevents the speaker from being consumed.
- Staying as an act of survival – The title and repetition of “i stayed there” frames remaining in place as an active choice, not passive resignation, a decision to hold onto safety.
Why This Chapter Matters
This chapter deepens the reader’s insight into the narrator’s internal battle. While earlier chapters may focus on external events (migration, family conflict, assault), Chapter 36 turns inward, using poetic compression to convey the weight of living with trauma. It shows that survival is not just about running from danger but about learning to stay in a supportive environment even when the mind whispers that you are a burden. It also underscores the role of maternal or caregiving figures in the healing journey. The poem’s quiet, contemplative tone provides a necessary emotional pause before the story presumably moves forward.
Study Questions and Answers
1. How does the speaker’s description of time (“the years spread and stretched and flew”) relate to her emotional state?
The fluid, conflicting verb choices suggest a disorienting passage of time—some moments feel slow (stretched) and others rush by (flew), mirroring the inconsistency of living with mental distress and the way trauma can warp perception.
2. Why does the speaker say she “knew that [she] needed / to lean on these two women”?
She recognizes that her own internal resources are insufficient to keep the darkness at bay. By leaning on Joti and Aunty Jee, she creates a shield against the monsters of her mind. This awareness marks a crucial step toward healing: accepting help.
3. In what ways does the poem use natural and bodily imagery to depict care?
The women are “born from the selfless earth,” connecting their nurturing to the land of their origin, and possess “hearts larger than i deserved,” emphasizing generosity. The earth imagery grounds their support in something ancient and life-giving, contrasting with the consuming darkness.