Chapter summaries If I Tell You the Truth Jasmin Kaur

Chapter 120: at the gurdwara – Summary and Analysis

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

The speaker enters a gurdwara and performs the customary rituals: removing shoes, covering her head with a shawl, washing her hands, and bowing before the Guru’s throne. She positions herself at the back of the hall, near breastfeeding mothers and grandmothers singing keertan, while her own family sits far ahead. With her eyes closed behind the shield of her shawl, she lets her pain surface. She admits that she does not always know what she believes, yet she opens her palms to any peace her mother finds in the divine. The speaker questions whether she is worthy of love, feeling trapped in a “cold betrayal of a body.” She aches for an anchor, prays for another existence, and begs for the nightmare tied to her DNA to end.

Key Events

  • The speaker enters the gurdwara, removes shoes, and covers her head with a shawl.
  • She washes her hands but avoids looking at her reflection in the mirror.
  • She enters the darbar (the Guru’s court) and bows to the throne.
  • She sits at the back of the hall, apart from her family, among other women.
  • She closes her eyes and allows her hidden pain to show through her shawl.
  • She reflects on her uncertain faith and reaches for the comfort her mother finds in religion.
  • She questions her worthiness because of her body and her inherited “DNA.”
  • She prays for stability, a rebirth, and an end to her inner torment.

Character Development

The speaker—likely the novel’s protagonist—reveals a vulnerable, introspective side. Though she follows the physical practices of Sikh worship, her internal experience is marked by doubt and anguish. Her separation from her family, who sit ahead, hints at emotional distance, possibly due to an unspoken trauma. The poem shows her reaching outward for solace even while feeling unworthy. This chapter deepens her struggle: she longs for the faith her mother possesses but cannot fully claim it for herself.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

  • Trauma and the Body – Phrases like “cold betrayal of a body” and “nightmare of my dna” connect the speaker’s pain to physical violation or inherited shame.
  • Religion as Solace vs. Doubt – The speaker performs ritual acts (covering her head, bowing) yet admits uncertainty; she still seeks the peace her mother finds in the divine.
  • Mother-Daughter Bond – The mother is presented as a spiritual model; the speaker yearns for the same peace, indicating both closeness and longing.
  • Isolation in Community – Despite being surrounded by women in the gurdwara, the speaker sits separately from her family and feels alone.
  • The Shawl – Functions as a literal cover and a metaphorical shield behind which she can let her pain show.
  • The Mirror – Avoided by the speaker, suggesting an unwillingness to confront her own reflection or identity.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter offers a raw glimpse into the protagonist’s inner life. It shows her turning to a culturally familiar sacred space while struggling with deep doubt and self-blame. The poem’s imagery—cold body, nightmare DNA—makes clear that her trauma is both bodily and familial. By placing her among strangers rather than with her family, the text emphasizes her isolation. This moment of prayer for “another life” reveals how overwhelming her pain is and sets up potential turning points in her journey toward healing.

Study Questions and Answers

  1. Why does the speaker avoid her face in the mirror when washing her hands?
    The avoidance suggests she cannot bear to look at herself, likely because she feels shame or self-blame related to her trauma. The mirror represents self-confrontation, which she is not ready to face.

  2. How does the speaker’s position at the back of the gurdwara reflect her emotional state?
    Sitting at the back, away from her family and among strangers, mirrors her sense of alienation. She is physically present in a community space but emotionally isolated, unable to join her family’s intimacy or belief.

  3. What does the speaker mean by “the nightmare of my dna”?
    This phrase implies that her trauma feels inescapable and embedded in her very being—possibly connected to inherited shame, family history, or a violation that she cannot separate from her identity. She begs for an end to this inherited pain, desiring a complete break from her past.

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