Leave Me Behind Chapter 37 Summary & Analysis

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Three years have passed since Nell and Jenkins were captured. The narrative opens with Nell reflecting on her life with Jenkins. They live in Labrador, spending their days with morning walks, late mornings in bed, and luxury trips to London and Florence. Jenkins dotes on her every wish, and Nell admits that if not for meeting Bradshaw, she would love him entirely. She has not killed anyone since the night of their capture; Jenkins keeps her by his side but never asks her to join his dirty work. She muses that her old self—the killing machine—is gone, and even Eren would not recognize her in dresses and civilian clothes.

One winter morning, Jenkins wakes her and suggests a walk to see a moose near the frozen lake. As they walk hand in hand in silence, Jenkins asks Nell to hum “Davy Jones” by Hans Zimmer, his favorite song. After listening, he unexpectedly brings up Bradshaw, mentioning how Bradshaw looked at Nell the night they let them go. Jenkins says he saw the weight of the universe in Bradshaw’s eyes, and he also saw Nell look at Bradshaw the same way. Nell feels the old wound ache. Jenkins brushes her cheek and says she has never looked at him the way she looks at Bradshaw. Nell admits this is true. Jenkins tells her that her presence alone is enough, and his love is enough for both of them. They do not speak of Bradshaw again during the walk back.

Key Events

Three-year time jump: Nell and Jenkins live together in Labrador in a domestic routine.
Nell reflects on her changed lifestyle: no killing, civilian clothes, travel.
Jenkins initiates a morning walk to the frozen lake.
Jenkins asks Nell to hum his favorite song, “Davy Jones.”
Jenkins brings up Bradshaw for the first time since letting him go.
Jenkins acknowledges that Nell has never loved him the way she loves Bradshaw.
Nell silently affirms his observation.
Jenkins declares that her presence and his love are enough.
The topic of Bradshaw is dropped as they return home.

Character Development

Nell: Over three years, Nell has transformed from a killer into a passive companion. She wears dresses, walks in nature, and refrains from violence. Yet internally, she remains emotionally divided: she feels deep affection for Jenkins but cannot give him the love he craves. Her longing for Bradshaw persists, though she hides it. She is more introspective and aware of the masks she wears.

Jenkins: Jenkins has softened considerably. He lost his ambition for the black market and now delegates to lieutenants, spending most of his time with Nell. His darkness has faded, replaced by a quiet longing. He is perceptive and vulnerable enough to voice the truth about Nell’s feelings. His willingness to accept a one-sided love shows growth—or resignation.

Bradshaw (absent): Though not present, Bradshaw’s memory looms large. Jenkins’s description of Bradshaw’s look—carrying “the weight of the universe”—underscores how deeply Bradshaw loved Nell. His absence haunts the chapter.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Time as a healer and a thief: Three years have dulled the pain of old wounds, but time also steals the chance for resolution with Bradshaw.
Monster with many faces: Nell calls Jenkins a monster who only shows her the face she admires. This motif explores the duality of identity—Nell also hides her true self.
Domesticity vs. violence: The peaceful morning walks and bed routines contrast sharply with the violent past, highlighting Nell’s internal conflict and Jenkins’s changed life.
Unspoken love: The conversation about Bradshaw exposes the central emotional rift. Jenkins’s acceptance of unreciprocated love is both tender and tragic.
Nature imagery: The frozen lake, ice crystals, and snow symbolize a cold, preserved state—Nell and Jenkins’s relationship is beautiful but static and frozen in time.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter marks a pivotal emotional reckoning. It confirms that Nell’s heart remains with Bradshaw, even after years with Jenkins. Jenkins’s honest acknowledgment shifts their relationship from ignorance to acceptance. It also sets the stage for any future encounter with Bradshaw, as Nell still hopes to see him again. The three-year gap allows readers to see how far Nell has come from her killer identity, while also showing that some emotional bonds cannot be replaced.

Study Questions and Answers

Why does Jenkins bring up Bradshaw now, after two years of silence?
Jenkins likely feels secure enough in their routine to voice the truth, or he may be seeking closure. He sees that Nell still yearns for Bradshaw and wants her to know that he understands, even if it hurts.
How does Nell’s idea of “monster” apply to herself in this chapter?
Nell calls Jenkins a monster with many faces, but she too wears a mask. She hides her true feelings for Bradshaw and pretends to be content. The “monster” she used to be—the killer—is dormant, but her emotional dishonesty is another kind of facade.
What does the frozen lake symbolize in the context of Nell and Jenkins’s relationship?
The lake is beautiful and clear on the surface, but frozen—unable to change or flow. Similarly, Nell and Jenkins’s life is peaceful but emotionally stalled. The ice crystals represent fragile beauty that cannot last, hinting at an inevitable thaw.