It Was an Ugly Couch Anyway: Questions and Answers

This page gathers 15 evidence-grounded questions about Elizabeth Passarella's memoir It Was an Ugly Couch Anyway. Each answer is supported by the chapter outline and available evidence. Use the links to explore characters, themes, and the full book.

Why did Elizabeth skin her father's couch instead of reupholstering it?

Elizabeth kept the velour fabric because it held her father's memory while the frame could be discarded. Her sister Holland pointed out that reupholstering for $5,000 would still leave a couch she didn't truly like. Elizabeth realized the velour itself was what she loved, so she cut the upholstery into sheets and saved them, disposing of the frame. The fabric now sits in a bag in her closet, awaiting a possible second life.

Evidence: In Chapter 1, Elizabeth explains that the couch was nine feet long, covered in rust velour plaid, and had been in the family since 1968. After her father's death, she became emotionally attached. She got two upholstery quotes for about $5,000 plus fabric, but Holland argued the couch's low profile made it hard to stand up from. Elizabeth chose to keep only the fabric, skinning the couch herself. This act symbolizes her struggle to release tangible pieces of her father while still clinging to their sensory connection.

How did the search for Lois's apartment begin?

A tip from the building manager, Jeff, led Elizabeth and Michael to discover a hidden first-floor apartment owned by Lois. The unit was cluttered with hoarded items, medical equipment, and decades of debris. Despite its dilapidated state, the size was perfect for their growing family. Michael called Lois, who initially said another neighbor had first right of refusal. Elizabeth then wrote a heartfelt letter, and Lois later called to say her deceased husband told her from heaven that the family was meant to restore it.

Evidence: Chapter 3 details the moment Jeff showed them the apartment. Elizabeth describes the smell, the piles of magazines, the two refrigerators, and the closets full of phones. After Michael's call, Elizabeth wrote a letter expressing their love for the building and their wish to raise their children there. Lois responded with the divine message, which Elizabeth accepts as serendipity. This sets the stage for a lengthy, emotional negotiation.

What health crisis did Michael face and how did Elizabeth cope with uncertainty?

In Chapter 2, Michael experienced a series of fainting episodes due to vasovagal syncope, culminating in a severe faint at his office in March 2022 that left him injured. Elizabeth struggled with the lack of clear medical answers and her desire for control. Michael underwent a cardiac ablation, a new procedure. Elizabeth also dealt with a benign abdominal lump. She concluded that certainty is elusive and deepened her appreciation for each day with Michael.

Evidence: The chapter begins with Michael's kidney donation to his father, then shifts to his rhabdomyolysis and later fainting spells. Elizabeth describes her frantic search for explanations and her eventual acceptance that she cannot control everything. She mentions her own health scare with a lump. The chapter ends with her embracing faith and gratitude. This theme of letting go of control recurs throughout the memoir.

What family secret did Elizabeth learn about the 1987 Arkansas accident?

While on a return trip to Greers Ferry Lake with her children, Elizabeth's uncle Max revealed that her father had mistakenly stepped on the gas instead of the brake when hitching a boat trailer, running over Elizabeth. For decades, the family had told her the car malfunctioned. The revelation after her father's death forced her to re-evaluate family narratives and his protective silence.

Evidence: Chapter 5 recounts the accident and the long-held story. Elizabeth describes water-skiing with her aunt Patti and the lake house Shandolin. Her uncle's casual admission at a family gathering changes her understanding of her father's motives. She grapples with the idea that he might have wanted to protect her from the truth. This moment illustrates how memory and truth can diverge in families.

Why did Elizabeth quit Vogue and how did a colleague's remark about Southerners trigger her?

A colleague, Laurie Jones, described a Southern CEO as "polished," with an apologetic tone. Elizabeth realized she would have to suppress her Southern identity to succeed at Vogue. She quit to freelance, later writing for The Kitchn where she learned to cook and write "by feel." The chapter explores authenticity and the cost of fitting in.

Evidence: In Chapter 4, Elizabeth describes her time as an associate beauty editor at Vogue. She learned to paint toenails nude and to dress in knockoffs. At the meeting for the Age Issue, Laurie's comment crystallized her discomfort. Elizabeth left without another job and eventually found her voice in food writing. She argues that sacrificing a core part of oneself for external approval is not worth it.

How did a missing photo ID nearly derail the purchase of Lois's apartment?

When it was time to transfer the title, Lois lacked a photo ID—she had lost her driver's license and passport years ago. The next passport appointment was two months away. Elizabeth's first instinct was to pray, then she asked her mother's Bible study to pray specifically for a photo ID. Eventually, Lois got an appointment with her daughter, and the deal moved forward.

Evidence: Chapter 11 covers the stalled process. Elizabeth had moved into a sublet after selling her own apartment. She describes shifting from anxious prayer to trusting God's plan. She calls her mother for prayer support. Lois's ID issue represents the mundane obstacles that require community and faith. This moment highlights Elizabeth's reliance on her mother and her church group.

What does Elizabeth mean by "Middle School is Awesome"?

Elizabeth argues that parenting a middle schooler, despite the emotional intensity, is more rewarding than the toddler years because children gain lasting emotional skills. She recalls her own rebellious school years—timing a teacher, writing in code—and sees the same spirit in her daughter Julia. She celebrates Julia's independence and the richness of New York City public school experiences.

Evidence: Chapter 13 details Elizabeth's middle school antics: timing a teacher's lecture, writing a journal in ubba bubba language, and challenging a teacher. She recognizes Julia's similar crusading spirit. Elizabeth praises the diversity of Julia's public school and the life skills it teaches. The chapter ends with Elizabeth's mother reminding her that bigger problems lie ahead, but middle school is a time to enjoy.

Why did Elizabeth decide not to adopt a dog after her childhood trauma?

Elizabeth's Jack Russell terrier, Bandit, bit her face on her sixteenth birthday, requiring plastic surgery, and bit her twice more before being euthanized. This left her with a reflexive flinch near dogs' faces. As a mother of three, she sees dogs as an impractical extra burden, though she leaves open the possibility of adopting one after her children grow up.

Evidence: Chapter 10 recounts the Bandit incidents and earlier pets. Elizabeth describes the trauma and her irritation with a dog on a barstool at a bar, marking her shift from animal lover to cautious non-dog person. She reflects on the difference between fantasy and reality of pet ownership. This chapter shows how a single formative experience can reshape identity and priorities.

How did losing James in Times Square parallel Elizabeth's spiritual life?

When James got separated from the family on Christmas Eve, he asked a woman for help but demanded her phone and code, so she refused. James later successfully used store intercoms and a friend's phone. Elizabeth compares her son's botched request to her own clumsy communication with God. She finds hope in the image from Tangled of lanterns sent into the sky, a reminder that God never stops looking for the lost.

Evidence: Chapter 9 describes the panic and eventual reunion. James's demand "Give me your phone, and take off the security code" is a key detail. Elizabeth draws a parallel to her spiritual life, acknowledging that she often messes up instructions. The Tangled lantern imagery becomes a symbol of grace. The chapter also mentions the "find a mom" strategy and New York doormen who help.

What is the "spleen" metaphor in Chapter 14 and how does it relate to community?

Elizabeth uses the biblical image of the body of Christ from 1 Corinthians 12 to argue that she had resisted being an interdependent part of the body. After two lice outbreaks forced her to accept help from a friend, Patricia, she learned that needing and being needed dissolves bitterness. The title "Lord, Make Me a Spleen" represents her desire to be any small but essential part of the community.

Evidence: Chapter 14 recounts the lice episodes and the moms' group that supported her. Elizabeth contrasts her independence with the proverb "It takes a village." She remembers a Trivial Pursuit game about Hillary Clinton's book that reinforces the theme. Her mother's example in old age shows her that interdependence is a blessing. The spleen metaphor underscores that every role matters.

Why does Elizabeth argue that funerals are the new girls' trips?

Elizabeth recalls attending a dozen weddings while pregnant or financially strained, then shifts to girls' trips with childhood friends that evolve into hospital visits. Later, she travels with a newborn to Hallie's father's funeral and flies alone to others. She argues that presence at funerals, however inconvenient, is the adhesive that keeps lifelong friendships strong through life's stages.

Evidence: Chapter 16 opens with a year of weddings. Elizabeth details the expense and inconvenience of showing up. She then describes funerals as essential gatherings where friends support each other. The chapter's message is that both celebrations and losses require showing up. This ties to the memoir's theme of community and interdependence.

How did the pandemic change Elizabeth's relationship with her neighbors and New York City?

Elizabeth admits she lied about how well her family coped during the early pandemic. She felt defensive about national disdain for NYC and angry at wealthy friends who left. Despite hardships, community acts like grocery runs for elderly neighbors and shared dinners became a lifeline. Neighbor Delia lent her empty apartment for remote school, and after another neighbor's burst pipe, Delia coordinated sharing the space.

Evidence: Chapter 17 introduces the burrowing owl metaphor from Hoot to illustrate Elizabeth's stubborn extroversion. She describes hybrid school arrangements and exchanging baked goods. She acknowledges difficulty accepting help. The chapter concludes that she needed to stay and heal alongside New York. This shows her growth in accepting interdependence and forgiving those who left.

What happens when Elizabeth finally meets Lois in person in the epilogue?

Just before the apartment closing, Elizabeth meets Lois, who arrives in eccentric clothing with a cart of empty totes. Lois declines to take any contents except a small ceramic camel that belonged to her husband. After the closing, contractors find old passports and dozens of tiny religious charms. Elizabeth returns the passports to Lois and decides this will be her final home, even as she admits life may force further changes.

Evidence: The epilogue shows the face-to-face meeting. Lois's refusal of most items reinforces the theme of letting go. The discovery of religious charms symbolizes Lois's unseen presence. Elizabeth's decision to call this her final home is tentative, acknowledging the ongoing nature of change. The ceramic camel becomes a tangible link to Lois's husband.

How does Elizabeth's father's protective lie about the car accident affect her understanding of family narratives?

Learning from her uncle that her father stepped on the gas instead of the brake forces Elizabeth to reconsider her father's character and the stories families tell to protect each other. She wonders if he wanted to spare her guilt or shame. This revelation after his death deepens her grief and highlights how memory can be shaped by love as much as fact.

Evidence: In Chapter 5, Elizabeth contrasts the childhood story of a malfunctioning car with the truth revealed by Uncle Max. She reflects on other possible family myths. This moment connects to the overall theme of letting go not only of objects but also of curated versions of the past. It underscores the memoir's exploration of truth and memory.

Why does Elizabeth defend her preference for a closed kitchen over an open one?

Elizabeth admits to being a contrarian, and her opinion on kitchen layouts is a prime example. She prefers a closed kitchen because it hides mess and allows for private cooking moments. This preference clashes with the modern open-concept trend. She learns to trust her own taste even when it contradicts everyone else's.

Evidence: Chapter 12, titled "The Chapter of Questionable Opinions," includes this opinion alongside her Gulf versus Atlantic beach preference and her ambivalence about children. She uses her father's story to normalize not wanting children. The chapter's overall message is that trusting one's own voice, even when it's unpopular, is a form of self-acceptance. The kitchen debate symbolizes her larger struggle with people-pleasing.