The High Price of Fitting In: Toxic Friendship and Conformity in Hani and Ishu's Guide to Fake Dating

The Thematic Claim: Belonging Is a Price, Not a Gift in Hani and Ishu's Guide to Fake Dating

In Adiba Jaigirdar's novel, the theme of toxic friendship and the cost of conformity argues that friendship groups and family expectations often demand a dangerous kind of conformity—one that erases identity, rewards performance, and punishes authenticity. The narrative shows how belonging is policed through microaggressions, conditional acceptance, and the threat of exclusion, and how the only way to reclaim self-respect is to break away from those groups, even at the cost of loneliness. Through Hani's struggle with her best friends, Ishu's battle against her sister's shadow, and the fake dating scheme that both enables and exposes their conformity, the novel insists that fitting in is never worth losing yourself.

Hani's Toxic Friendship: Conditional Acceptance and Microaggressions

Hani's friendship with Aisling and Dee is the novel's clearest example of a group that polices belonging through subtle cruelty. From the start, the friendship is conditional: Hani is accepted only as long as she performs the role of the agreeable, unthreatening friend. When Hani's father speaks at a political rally, Dee comments on his accent, and Hani feels compelled to defend him while also trying to keep the peace (chapter 2). This is a microaggression—a small, cutting remark that signals Hani's family is not fully acceptable. Hani's response is to minimize the offense and continue the friendship, a pattern she repeats throughout.

The cost of this conformity becomes explicit when Hani tries to explain her dietary needs. In chapter 11, she tells Ishu that she says she is vegetarian because it is easier than explaining halal. When she once mentioned halal to Aisling, Aisling launched into a lecture about animal cruelty, refusing to listen to Hani's explanation. This is a textbook example of conditional acceptance: Hani's friends tolerate her only if she hides the parts of her identity that make them uncomfortable. Hani's conformity—pretending to be vegetarian, hiding her bisexuality, and never challenging her friends' assumptions—is the price she pays for their approval.

The party in chapter 18 reveals the full toxicity of this dynamic. Aisling and Dee deliberately single out Hani for not drinking, making her the center of a humiliating game. Ishu, watching from the sidelines, recognizes the cruelty immediately: “You know Aisling and Deirdre planned that, right?” Hani flinches and denies it, insisting, “They're my friends.” This denial is the core of the cost of conformity: Hani has internalized the group's rules so deeply that she cannot see their abuse, even when it is directed at her. She would rather believe her friends are innocent than face the truth that they are using her.

Ishu's Conformity to Family Expectations and the Cost of Popularity

Ishu's conformity is less about friendship and more about family. She lives in the shadow of her older sister Nik, who was the perfect daughter—good grades, prefect, and the apple of her parents' eyes. In chapter 13, Ishu explains to Hani that she wants to be Head Girl because of her sister: “My sister is like … perfect. She has been perfect in my parents' eyes for my entire life. I've been living in her shadow.” This desire to conform to her parents' expectations drives Ishu to pursue a popularity contest she knows she cannot win. In chapter 7, she tries to join a group of girls at lunch, but they reject her with a flimsy excuse about saving a seat. Ishu's attempt to “put on a smile and turn on the charm” fails because she is not performing the right kind of conformity—she is too studious, too serious, and too brown.

The cost of this conformity is internal. Ishu feels guilt when her parents praise her for her Head Girl ambitions, because she knows she is lying to them. She also feels the weight of their expectations: “Another thing that we couldn't do for them, despite everything they've done—they're still doing—for us.” Her conformity is not just about pleasing her parents; it is about proving that she is not a failure like Nik, who dropped out of university. But this pressure only deepens Ishu's isolation. She has no friends, and her attempts to fit in are met with rejection. The novel shows that conformity to family expectations can be just as toxic as conformity to a friend group, because it demands that Ishu suppress her true self—her queerness, her ambition, and her need for genuine connection.

The Fake Dating Scheme: Conformity as a Strategy and Its Costs

The fake dating scheme is the novel's central mechanism for exploring the cost of conformity. Hani and Ishu agree to pretend to date to achieve their respective goals: Hani wants her friends to accept her bisexuality, and Ishu wants to become Head Girl. In chapter 9, they create a Google Doc titled “Hani and Ishu's Guide to Fake Dating,” complete with rules and boundaries. The document symbolizes the constructed nature of their conformity—they are literally writing a script for how to perform a relationship that will make them acceptable to others. The rules include “Hani and Ishu can't tell anyone the truth about their plans” and “Ishu will break up with Hani when their goals are completed.” This is conformity at its most explicit: they are hiding their true selves to gain approval.

The scheme forces them to perform a version of themselves that is palatable to others. In chapter 11, they plan a fake date, and Ishu insists on researching halal restaurants to appear compassionate. Hani notes that Ishu is “trying to look like a nice person.” This performance is exhausting and ultimately unsustainable. At the party in chapter 18, the scheme backfires when Aisling and Dee humiliate Hani, and Ishu realizes that the fake relationship cannot protect them from the group's toxicity. Hani tells Ishu, “This isn't working,” and Ishu later admits, “If I'd never agreed to date you, I would not be in this mess right now.” The cost of conformity is not just emotional—it is also practical. The scheme makes them vulnerable to blackmail (Nik discovers the truth) and to accusations of cheating (Aisling frames Ishu).

The emotional cost is even deeper. Hani develops real feelings for Ishu, but she cannot express them because the relationship is fake. In chapter 29, she reflects on the guide: “I haven't gone onto our guide at all, though there have been times when I've thought about deleting it altogether.” The guide, which was supposed to be a tool for conformity, becomes a reminder of the lie they are living. Ishu, too, struggles with her growing crush, calling it “the worst thing that's ever happened to me.” The fake dating scheme shows that conformity is not a neutral strategy—it actively harms the people who engage in it, forcing them to suppress their authentic emotions and desires.

Breaking Away: The Necessary Step for Self-Respect

The novel's resolution hinges on both characters breaking away from the toxic forces that demand conformity. For Hani, this means finally confronting Aisling and Dee. In chapter 34, Ishu tells Hani, “I hope you know that you deserve better friends than Aisling and Deirdre. Friends who you don't have to hide yourself from, and who don't try to get you to be someone you're not.” This is a turning point for Hani, who has spent the entire novel defending her friends. She begins to see the truth, and by chapter 49, she is able to come out as bisexual to Aisha, a new acquaintance, without fear. This act of openness is the opposite of conformity—it is a declaration of self-acceptance.

For Ishu, breaking away means confronting her parents' expectations. In chapter 50, she argues with her mother about Nik's wedding, insisting that her sister should not be punished for her choices. Ishu's mother initially refuses to attend, but Ishu stands her ground, and eventually her mother relents. This is a significant moment because Ishu is no longer conforming to her parents' wishes; she is asserting her own values. The holud ceremony in chapter 51, which Ishu and Hani plan for Nik, is a celebration of authenticity—it is a Bengali tradition that honors Nik's love, even though it does not fit the family's expectations. The rain that falls throughout the novel, often symbolizing emotional release, gives way to a sunny day at the barbecue in chapter 49, suggesting that breaking away leads to clarity and joy.

Complexity and Contradiction

The theme is not without its contradictions. Hani's friends are not entirely evil; they sometimes show moments of acceptance, such as when they agree to hear Ishu out at the party. But these moments are always conditional—they are offered only when Hani performs the right role. Similarly, Ishu's parents' expectations are rooted in love and a desire for her security, but that love is expressed through pressure and judgment. The novel does not present conformity as a simple villain; it shows how even well-meaning people can enforce toxic norms.

The fake dating scheme itself is a contradiction: it is a tool of conformity, but it also brings Hani and Ishu together, allowing them to see each other's true selves. The guide, which was meant to script their lies, becomes the foundation for their real relationship. This suggests that conformity can sometimes lead to unexpected authenticity, but only when the characters are willing to break the rules they created. The novel ultimately argues that breaking away is not a single event but a process—Hani and Ishu must repeatedly choose honesty over performance, and each choice costs them something.

Study Questions

1. How does Hani's friendship with Aisling and Dee illustrate the concept of conditional acceptance?

Answer: Hani is accepted only when she hides her bisexuality, her dietary needs, and her discomfort with their behavior. For example, she pretends to be vegetarian to avoid explaining halal, and she denies that Aisling and Dee planned to humiliate her at the party. Their acceptance is conditional on her performing a version of herself that does not challenge their assumptions.

1. What role does Ishu's sister Nik play in Ishu's desire to conform?

Answer: Nik is the “perfect” daughter in their parents' eyes, and Ishu has lived in her shadow. Ishu wants to become Head Girl to prove she can also meet her parents' expectations, but this desire is rooted in a fear of being seen as a failure like Nik. Nik's own rebellion—dropping out of university—shows the cost of conformity, but Ishu initially sees it as a warning to conform even harder.

1. How does the Google Doc symbolize the cost of conformity?

Answer: The Google Doc, titled “Hani and Ishu's Guide to Fake Dating,” is a script for their performance. It contains rules about lying and boundaries, representing the constructed nature of their conformity. The document becomes a burden as their real feelings develop, and Hani considers deleting it. It symbolizes the way conformity requires constant maintenance and ultimately cannot contain the truth.

1. In what ways does the fake dating scheme both harm and help Hani and Ishu?

Answer: The scheme harms them by forcing them to hide their true selves, leading to emotional turmoil, blackmail, and accusations of cheating. However, it also brings them together, allowing them to see each other's vulnerabilities and develop genuine feelings. The scheme is a double-edged sword: it is a tool of conformity that ultimately leads to their liberation when they break the rules.

1. What does the novel suggest about the necessity of breaking away from toxic friendships and family expectations?

Answer: The novel suggests that breaking away is essential for self-respect. Hani must leave Aisling and Dee to embrace her bisexuality, and Ishu must confront her parents to support Nik and assert her own values. The final chapters show that breaking away leads to authentic connection—Hani and Ishu become a real couple, and they celebrate Nik's wedding on their own terms. The cost is loneliness and conflict, but the reward is the ability to live honestly.