Determined to Enjoy Myself – Chapter 15 Summary and Analysis
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
Chronologically, the chapter begins just before Election Night 2020. R. Eric Thomas, feeling anxious about the political climate and white nationalism, withdraws $1,000 from the bank. He and his husband David discuss home security; Thomas buys two baseball bats, flashlights, and an axe from Lowe’s. David accepts the purchases with gratitude. A few days after the election, Thomas takes a research trip to Baltimore for a young-adult novel about queer Black teens enjoying the city. He photographs locations, reflecting on joy instead of trauma. Two months later, on January 6, 2021, his brother Jeffrey texts the family about an escape plan as rioters attack the U.S. Capitol. Thomas recognizes his own earlier essay from his first book, in which he claimed he did not want to survive the apocalypse, but now sees that his actions—buying supplies, continuing to write—prove he does want to survive.
Key Events
- Thomas withdraws $1,000 from a bank before Election Day, acting casual to avoid suspicion.
- He and David agree to buy flashlights and baseball bats; Thomas struggles to find a store that sells bats in November.
- At Lowe’s, Thomas adds an axe to his cart, rationalizing it as self-defense against insurrectionists.
- After the election, Thomas drives to Baltimore to scout locations for his YA novel, photographing a shuttered pool, Pride street, a mansion, murals, and a cemetery.
- On January 6, 2021, brother Jeffrey texts the family with a possible evacuation plan; Thomas sees videos of the Capitol riot while waiting.
- Thomas reflects on his earlier book essay, which declared no desire to survive the end of the world, and reconciles that his actual behavior reveals a strong will to live.
Character Development
- R. Eric Thomas: The narrator’s anxiety and humor are on full display. He moves from jokingly refusing to prepare for disaster to actively buying survival gear. This chapter shows him reconciling his intellectual rejection of doomsday prepping with his instinct to protect himself and his family. His trip to Baltimore also highlights his growth as a writer, choosing to tell a story of Black queer joy rather than trauma.
- David: Thomas’s husband remains calm and supportive. When Thomas arrives home with an armload of supplies, David simply says, “Thank you; now we’re ready.” This reaction underscores David’s role as a stabilizing, prepared partner.
- Jeffrey: Thomas’s brother is introduced as a cybersecurity expert and the family’s problem-solver. His text on Jan 6 shows he has an escape plan ready, contrasting with Thomas’s more reluctant approach to survival.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
- Survival vs. Hope: Thomas explores the tension between his earlier declaration that he doesn’t want to survive the apocalypse and his actual behavior—buying an axe, continuing to write, waiting for his brother’s car. The chapter argues that hope and the desire to live can coexist with fear.
- Prepping as Performance: The shopping trip is both real and theatrical. Thomas talks to himself at Lowe’s and imagines a story for the cashier. Prepping becomes a way of managing anxiety, not just preparing for disaster.
- Baltimore as a Symbol of Possibility: Thomas’s research trip reframes Baltimore from a place of past loneliness to a city of beauty, art, and queer joy. The image of indigo plants growing where burnt-out buildings stood represents regeneration and hope.
- The “Best Is Yet to Come” Irony: The phrase from the Republican National Convention is used as a dark joke against the backdrop of Jan 6. Thomas rejects it, yet his own actions suggest he still believes in a future worth surviving for.
Why This Chapter Matters
This chapter is a pivot point in the memoir. It directly engages with contemporary American crises—the 2020 election aftermath and the Jan 6 insurrection—through Thomas’s personal lens of anxiety and humor. It also reveals the origin of the book’s title and the author’s evolving relationship with hope. The chapter connects to earlier essays about doomsday (from his first book) and sets up later reflections on resilience and community.
Study Questions and Answers
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How does Thomas use humor to address serious political events in this chapter? Answer: Thomas blends absurdity with genuine fear—for example, imagining himself as a mobster when withdrawing cash, or worrying that a Black cashier might judge his axe purchase. Humor defuses tension while still communicating real anxiety about white nationalism and state violence.
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What does Thomas’s research trip to Baltimore reveal about his artistic goals? Answer: He wants to write a young-adult novel that centers queer Black joy rather than trauma. By photographing places like the Pride festival street and a cemetery, he collects details for a story about platonic love and adventure in Baltimore, consciously rejecting narratives that reduce marginalized people to their suffering.
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Why does Thomas call himself a “stressed-out traitor” at the end of the chapter? Answer: He had previously written that he had no desire to survive the apocalypse, yet his actions—buying survival gear, continuing creative work, and waiting for his brother—show he does want to stay alive. The label “traitor” is self-mocking, acknowledging the gap between his intellectual posture and his instinct to live.