Chapter 53 (Chapter Four): Making the Dreaded Call
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
Ari takes a deep breath and decides to make what he calls the dreaded phone call. He recalls that before meeting Dante, he dreaded waking up—so this is serious. Following Cassandra’s advice, he feels he owes Susie and Gina the truth. He practises saying “I’m gay” in the mirror, acknowledging how strange and necessary that act feels. He muses on words, remembering Dante’s belief that every word deserves respect, while admitting he’d rather not lose his respect for the word “fuck.”
He looks up Susie’s number and calls. Susie immediately teases him for never calling in twelve years. Ari apologises for his lifelong emotional distance, admitting he liked being invisible. Susie cries, explaining that his loneliness made her sad. She uses a metaphor: people are like countries, and Ari has given Dante a visa but not yet to her and Gina. She longs to visit his country. Ari responds that the paperwork has been processed and their visa is approved—entering at their own risk. He invites them to lunch that same day. Susie accepts immediately, sensing that Ari is up to something. He confirms it’s nothing nefarious.
After hanging up, Ari trembles and panics. He runs to the bathroom and throws up. He takes deep breaths and tells himself everything will be okay. He feels angry that his life will now be in other people’s hands. The trembling becomes like a volcano about to explode. He retches and cries uncontrollably. Needing to feel something, he whispers Dante’s name and immediately connects with his love. He wishes briefly he were a version of himself who liked girls, but realises that version wouldn’t love Dante the way he does. He declares that love the most painful and beautiful thing he has ever felt, and he never wants to live without it. He rejects any idea that he is too young for such powerful emotion.
Key Events
- Ari decides to call Susie and Gina to tell them he is gay.
- He practises saying “I’m gay” in the mirror.
- He phones Susie; she teases him about the twelve‑year gap in communication.
- Ari apologises for his distance and describes his former invisibility.
- Susie cries and compares friendship to travelling between countries.
- Ari grants Susie and Gina a “visa” and invites them to lunch.
- After the call, Ari experiences intense physical anxiety: trembling, vomiting, crying.
- He whispers Dante’s name to ground himself and reaffirms his love.
- He rejects the idea that he is too young for deep love.
Character Development
Ari moves from avoidance to action. For the first time he voluntarily exposes his emotional world to friends other than Dante. The chapter shows his vulnerability: he trembles, throws up, and cries, but he does not retreat. His internal monologue reveals he is becoming someone new—the old Ari is disappearing, and the new Ari has not fully arrived. His love for Dante is the anchor that keeps him from falling apart.
Susie is presented as sensitive and perceptive. She cries easily, but Ari now sees that as beautiful rather than annoying. Her metaphor of people as countries and visas reframes friendship as an act of mutual permission. She accepts Ari’s invitation without hesitation, showing her steadfast loyalty.
Dante does not appear physically but is present in Ari’s thoughts. Whispering Dante’s name restores Ari’s sense of feeling and purpose. Dante’s earlier advice about respecting words lingers in Ari’s mind, indicating how deeply Dante has already shaped Ari’s worldview.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
- Fear of coming out: The sheer physical terror Ari experiences—trembling, vomiting, crying—underscores the high emotional cost of revealing one’s sexuality.
- Friendship as travel: Susie’s metaphor of countries and visas suggests that true friendship requires an invitation to explore another person’s inner world. Ari’s willingness to issue that invitation marks a turning point.
- Words and their weight: Ari’s reflection on respecting (or not) the word “fuck” and his mirror‑practice with “I’m gay” highlight how language both empowers and traps. Saying the words aloud is part of owning his identity.
- Earthquake vs. volcano: Ari compares his trembling first to an earthquake, then corrects it to a volcano about to explode—suggesting the pressure is building from within, not from external forces.
- Love as anchor: Dante’s name pulls Ari back from numbness, reinforcing that love for Dante is both painful and essential.
Why This Chapter Matters
This chapter is a crucial emotional turning point. Ari acts on Cassandra’s advice and takes the first concrete step toward coming out. His extreme physical reaction shows that this is not a casual decision but a life‑altering confrontation with fear. The chapter also deepens Ari’s bond with Susie and Gina, transforming them from mere schoolmates into true friends. Most important, Ari’s love for Dante is reaffirmed as the core of his identity. By rejecting the idea that he is too young for such strong feelings, Ari asserts ownership of his own heart. This sets the stage for the fuller coming‑out conversations that will follow in later chapters.
Study Questions and Answers
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Why does Ari practice saying “I’m gay” in the mirror?
He wants to become comfortable with the words before saying them aloud to someone else. The act of speaking to his own reflection helps him own the identity privately before sharing it publicly. -
What does Susie mean when she says people are like countries?
She means that each person has a rich inner world that others cannot enter without permission. Friendship is like travel: you need a visa to visit another person’s country. She and Gina want Ari to give them a visa to his country—to let them truly know him. -
How does Ari respond to his panic after the call, and what does that reveal?
He trembles, vomits, cries, and then whispers Dante’s name. The name brings feeling back and reminds him of the love he does not want to lose. This shows that Dante is Ari’s emotional anchor and that his love for Dante is stronger than his fear.