Chapter summaries Me Amber McBride

Chapter 26 Summary: I Used to Dance

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Chapter 26 opens with the narrator reflecting on her identity before the car crash: she was a dancer. She describes the physical toll of that life—breaking toes in pointe shoes—and the way dancing made her feel like she was conquering gravity. She insists that being a dancer is like having a name; it cannot be shed simply because the body no longer performs.

After the crash, she remains a dancer “only in her head.” Dancing with her feet feels too joyful, too greedy, given the loss she carries. The chapter then shifts to memories of her parents’ support. Her father, Jim, used to run with her every Sunday and Thursday, building the lung capacity that dancing requires. She recalls his steady, watchful presence. Her mother, Marcia, attended every competition, sitting in the front row and recording everything on her phone. The narrator can still hear her mother’s whispered praise on those recordings—phrases like “Now that is how you move” and “my girl knows how to love the air.”

In the present, the narrator still goes on long runs, pretending her father’s heavy footfalls echo beside her. She also plays her mother’s recordings on an old laptop when she struggles to remember her mother’s voice. The chapter reveals that before the crash, the narrator, her parents, and Zachary had stitched together a playlist for her upcoming Juilliard audition. The list grew “like taffy,” a sweet connection among all of them.

The chapter closes with a stark admission: she has not danced with her feet on the floor since the car split in half. Yet she still stretches—sitting in the splits, lying on her back—and insists on breaking her toes on nothing.

Key Events

  • The narrator establishes her pre-crash identity as a dancer, emphasizing the physical discipline and the sense of purpose it gave her.

  • She explains that after the crash, dancing feels emotionally impossible because it would be “too joyful, too greedy” in the face of loss.

  • She recalls her father’s training runs—every Sunday and Thursday—and how they were designed to strengthen her lungs for the demands of dance.

  • She remembers her mother’s front-row presence at every competition, recording performances and whispering praise that the narrator can still hear on the recordings.

  • In the present, she continues to run, imagining her father’s footsteps beside her, and she listens to her mother’s recordings on an old laptop when her memory of her mother’s voice fades.

  • The chapter reveals the family’s collaborative creation of a Juilliard audition playlist, a project that included Zachary and symbolized their shared hope.

  • The narrator admits she has not danced with her feet on the floor since the crash, but she still performs stretches—splits and back-lying poses—and mentally insists on breaking her toes on nothing.

Character Development

The narrator is defined by her relationship to dance. Before the crash, dance was her core identity, a discipline that shaped her body and her sense of self. After the crash, she struggles to reconcile that identity with her grief. She cannot bring herself to dance physically because it feels like a betrayal of the joy she no longer feels entitled to. Yet she refuses to let go of the dancer’s habits: she runs, she stretches, she even insists on the pain of breaking toes—but only in her mind. This shows a character who is clinging to the rituals of her former life even as she cannot embrace its joy. Her actions reveal a deep need to preserve connection to her parents, especially through the physical acts they shared.

Jim (father) is present through memory. His role as a training partner shows his investment in her dream. The narrator’s act of pretending his footfalls echo beside her indicates that she carries him with her, using his imagined presence to keep moving forward.

Marcia (mother) is similarly preserved through recordings. Her whispered praise becomes a lifeline for the narrator, a way to hear her mother’s voice when memory fails. Marcia’s front-row dedication and her habit of recording everything highlight her role as both witness and cheerleader.

Zachary appears only in the context of the playlist, but his inclusion in that family project suggests he was woven into the narrator’s support system, sharing in the dream of Juilliard.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Dance as enduring identity — The narrator insists that being a dancer is like a name; it cannot be undone by circumstance. This theme runs through the chapter, as she continues to identify as a dancer even when she cannot perform.

Grief making joy feel wrong — The narrator explicitly states that dancing feels “too joyful, too greedy” after the crash. This captures the way grief can make pleasure feel like a betrayal, a common experience for those mourning.

Memory preserving loved ones — The narrator uses physical rituals (running, stretching) and recorded media (her mother’s phone videos) to keep her parents alive in her mind. The act of playing the recordings on an old laptop is a deliberate effort to hold onto her mother’s voice.

Interrupted dreams — The Juilliard audition playlist represents a future that was shattered by the crash. The narrator’s inability to dance is a direct consequence of that interruption, and the playlist becomes a symbol of what was lost.

Physical discipline through grief — Even though she cannot dance, the narrator maintains her body’s discipline through stretching and running. This suggests that the physical practice itself is a form of mourning, a way to stay connected to her former self and to her parents.

Music as family connection — The playlist was built together by the narrator, her parents, and Zachary. Music serves as a thread that binds them, and the narrator’s continued listening to her mother’s recordings extends that connection into the present.

Before and after the crash — The chapter is structured around the stark contrast between the narrator’s life before and after the accident. The crash is described as the moment when the car “split in half like a candy bar,” a visceral image that marks the rupture in her life.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter deepens the reader’s understanding of the narrator’s grief and her coping mechanisms. It reveals the specific ways her parents supported her dream, making their loss more poignant. The chapter also establishes the central symbol of dance as both an identity and an unattainable joy. The narrator’s refusal to dance, while still stretching and running, shows a character caught between honoring her past and facing her present. The Juilliard playlist becomes a tangible reminder of the future that was stolen, and the narrator’s continued engagement with her parents’ memories through recordings and imagined footsteps illustrates how grief can be both a burden and a source of strength. This chapter sets up the emotional stakes for the rest of the novel, as the narrator must eventually decide whether she can reclaim the joy of dancing or remain trapped in the “only in my head” space.

Study Questions and Answers

1. Why does the narrator say she is “still a dancer, but only in my head”?

She means that her identity as a dancer persists internally, but she cannot physically dance because doing so would feel too joyful and greedy given her grief. The crash has made her feel unworthy of that joy, so she keeps the dancer’s identity alive through memory and mental rehearsal rather than through movement.

2. How do the narrator’s parents continue to influence her after their deaths?

Her father’s influence appears through her running—she pretends his footfalls echo beside her, using his imagined presence to keep her going. Her mother’s influence is preserved in the recordings of her whispered praise, which the narrator plays on an old laptop when she struggles to remember her mother’s voice. These rituals show that her parents remain active forces in her daily life, guiding her through memory.

3. What does the Juilliard playlist symbolize in this chapter?

The playlist represents the shared dream and family connection that existed before the crash. It was built collaboratively by the narrator, her parents, and Zachary, and it was meant to prepare her for a major audition. After the crash, the playlist becomes a symbol of the interrupted future and the loss of that collective hope.

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