Chapter 35 Summary and Analysis
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
Chapter Thirty-five opens with Maddie two hours into her workday, realizing she should have taken the day off. She is monosyllabic and on the verge of tears all day. Her colleagues glance at her but she ignores them, grateful that Penny is too busy with meetings to notice. She works through lunch and leaves at four o'clock. Only outside does she feel she can breathe, and the relief brings tears to her eyes on the street. Passersby look at her but continue on their way. She walks back into the OTP building to use the toilet and wipe her face.
Maddie receives a text from Alex confirming their plans to meet at six. She reflects that she misses the 'new Maddie' but doesn't have time to lament her departure—it's time to be someone else again, 'Alex's Maddie.' When she spots Alex exiting the station, she runs up and hugs him, noting how quickly he has become her safety net. They plan to walk through the park to his flat and watch a film. When he asks about her day, she makes up an answer with ease, inventing a version of her life where her father is alive. She reflects on how far her lies have stretched from the truth, and she shivers at the thought of her current family affairs. In her invented world, 'Alex's Maddie' simply came home from work, had dinner with her flatmates, and went to bed.
As Alex tells her about his day, Maddie's 'Subconscious Maddie' appears, folding her arms and pointing out that Alex thinks her dad is alive. Maddie tries to ignore her, but Subconscious Maddie reminds her that Ben lied to her and asks how that made her feel. Maddie loses her footing, tripping over loose rocks; Alex catches her hand. She considers telling him the truth—that she lied about going to a barbecue, that her best friend's name is Nia not Emma, that their dads aren't best friends, that both dads are dead (hers just under a month ago). But she decides she can't lose Alex now; she needs him to stick around until the funeral is over and she's more stable. Subconscious Maddie accuses her of using him, comparing it to how Ben used her. Maddie tells her to shut up. Subconscious Maddie asks what will happen to Alex and 'fantasy Maddie' when she's 'better.' Maddie's grip on Alex's hand tightens painfully, and he asks if she's okay. She apologizes and smiles, saying she's fine, just clumsy.
Her thoughts follow her through the park and up to his flat. Halfway through the film, Alex kisses her. Maddie knows where things are going and, for a brief moment, tells herself sex will make up for her lies. She needs him—she needs a pause from her life and the emotional turmoil. She gets respite when she's not being herself. Her cardigan comes off; goose bumps cover her skin. She tells herself she likes Alex, that he's kind and thoughtful and easy, and that's the only reason she's having sex with him. But she can't connect his lips to her skin. She stares at his living room ceiling and thinks maybe she's not a fan of foreplay. When he asks if it's okay, she nods. When he enters her, it's less painful than with Ben, but it isn't comfortable. She shifts under him, feeling like he's in the wrong place even though he can't be. No matter how closely she holds him, if she shuts her eyes it feels like they're miles apart. The dissociation—first between her mind and body, then between her body and his—feels worse than the acute physical pain she experienced with Ben. She feels her body is being used, but she can't understand why when this is something she told herself she wanted.
There's silence between them afterward. It follows them to the kitchen. Maddie watches Alex as he watches the kettle, not wanting to speak into the silence because she's scared of what it will give back. Alex pours hot water into a mug with a green tea bag and places it in front of her, then sits at the dining table. He says quietly that there's something she's not telling him.
Maddie wants to hold it in, to lie again—she's so good at it. Lying seems like the only way to maintain peace and comfortable continuity. But another part of her is tired—tired of pretending and keeping track, tired of being worn out after sex like she's spent the entire time running away from her own shadow. She tells him she doesn't particularly like sex, that it's painful and always has been. Alex says 'Oh' and considers the paths the conversation might take. Maddie asks if it's a deal breaker. He says no, quickly, but she smiles sadly and asks him to be honest. Alex drops his head into his hands, and something sharp hits Maddie in the chest: a burning swell of rejection. Yet again.
Alex apologizes, saying he'll sound like a dick, but sex is important to him; he needs that physical connection and intimacy. He wishes he could pretend otherwise, but he knows himself and doesn't want to promise her one thing and secretly want another. Maddie looks down at her cup of green tea, noting the water has taken up the tea bag's color and the smell is partially medicinal but soothing. She offers that maybe they can try again, that maybe it will get better if she keeps trying. But Alex has already sat back in his chair, pulled away from the table and from her. He says he can't know she's in pain and still continue. He's sorry.
Maddie reflects that it's that easy to get rid of her—to erase her from his life. He doesn't need to think on her a little longer. Short-term. Just like she wanted, Subconscious Maddie reminds her. She nods because this is what she deserves, and he does the same. One thing she can appreciate is his honesty, because God knows he received none of that from her.
Key Events
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Maddie struggles through a workday while grieving, leaving early and crying on the street
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She meets Alex and continues her elaborate lie that her father is alive
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Maddie's 'Subconscious Maddie' confronts her about using Alex as an escape
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Maddie and Alex have sex, which is painful and dissociative for her
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Alex confronts Maddie about hiding something; she admits she finds sex painful
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Alex ends the relationship, saying physical intimacy is essential to him
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Maddie offers to try again, but Alex declines
Character Development
Maddie — This chapter shows Maddie at her lowest point of emotional performance. She has become so practiced at lying that she can invent an entire alternate life with ease. Her internal conflict is dramatized through Subconscious Maddie, who acts as her conscience, pointing out the parallels between Ben's deception of her and her own deception of Alex. Maddie's admission about sex is a rare moment of honesty—she's tired of pretending and keeping track. Yet even in that honesty, she immediately tries to bargain, offering to try again. Her final reflection—that she appreciates Alex's honesty because she gave him none—shows a glimmer of self-awareness, but also her tendency to accept rejection as deserved punishment.
Alex — Alex demonstrates integrity in this chapter. He senses Maddie's dishonesty, confronts her gently, and when she admits the truth about sex, he is honest about his own needs rather than pretending. He refuses to continue knowing she's in pain, which is a form of respect, even though it reads as rejection to Maddie. His honesty stands in stark contrast to Maddie's elaborate deception.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
Lying as a coping mechanism — Maddie's lies have become so extensive she can no longer see where they end. She invents a world where her father is alive, her best friend is Emma, and her life is ordinary. Lying maintains 'peace and comfortable continuity' for her, but it also isolates her from genuine connection.
Dissociation during intimacy — Maddie's experience during sex with Alex is marked by a profound disconnection: first between her mind and body, then between her body and his. She stares at the ceiling, can't connect his lips to her skin, and feels miles apart even when holding him. This dissociation is worse than the physical pain she felt with Ben.
The inner conscience (Subconscious Maddie) — Subconscious Maddie functions as a dramatized inner voice that challenges Maddie's self-deception. She points out the hypocrisy of Maddie being hurt by Ben's lies while lying to Alex, and she asks the uncomfortable question: what happens to Alex and 'fantasy Maddie' when Maddie is 'better'?
Using relationships as escape — Maddie explicitly frames Alex as her 'safety net' and 'break' from her life. She needs him to stick around until the funeral is over and she's more stable. This instrumental view of the relationship is ultimately unsustainable.
The green tea — The tea Alex makes her is described as soothing, with a medicinal smell like eucalyptus. It's a small gesture of care in a scene of emotional devastation, and Maddie's focus on it suggests her need for comfort in the face of rejection.
Why This Chapter Matters
This chapter is a turning point in Maddie's grief arc. Her elaborate lies—built to protect herself from the unbearable weight of her father's death—collapse when Alex confronts her. The chapter forces Maddie to confront the cost of her emotional performance: she loses the one person she was using as an escape. It also introduces a crucial element of her character that will likely matter going forward: her relationship with sex and physical intimacy. Her admission that sex is painful and always has been is a significant revelation, and Alex's rejection—however honest—deepens her sense of unworthiness. The chapter ends with Maddie accepting rejection as something she deserves, which sets up important questions about her self-worth and her path toward healing.
Study Questions
1. Why does Maddie lie to Alex about her father being alive, and what does Subconscious Maddie reveal about her motivations?
Maddie lies because she needs Alex as an escape from her grief. She explicitly says she needs him to stick around until the funeral is over and she's more stable. Subconscious Maddie exposes the flaw in this reasoning: Maddie is doing to Alex what Ben did to her—using someone for her own needs. She also points out that 'fantasy Maddie' can't last; eventually the lie will have to end.
2. How does Maddie's experience of sex with Alex differ from her experience with Ben, and what does this reveal about her state of mind?
With Ben, the pain was acute and physical. With Alex, the pain is less severe, but the dissociation is worse—she feels disconnected from her own body and from him, 'miles apart' even when holding him. This suggests her difficulty with intimacy is not just physical but emotional; she cannot be present in her own body because she is so consumed by grief and self-deception.
3. Alex ends the relationship despite clearly caring for Maddie. Is his decision fair, and what does Maddie's reaction tell us about her self-perception?
Alex is honest about his needs—he requires physical intimacy and can't continue knowing Maddie is in pain. His decision is arguably fair because it's honest, but it lands as rejection for Maddie. Her reaction—nodding because 'this is what I deserve'—reveals her deep-seated belief that she is unworthy of love and that rejection is her due. This is a crucial insight into her character and her journey.
Navigation
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Previous Chapter: Chapter Thirty-four