The Costly, Repeated Work of Forgiveness in How to Stay Married

In How to Stay Married, Harrison Scott Key presents forgiveness not as a single event but as a grueling, daily practice that must be re-chosen again and again. The memoir’s thematic claim is that true forgiveness requires the betrayer and the betrayed to face their own hidden brokenness, to accept help from community and therapy, and to keep forgiving even when—especially when—rage and memory refuse to die. Key threads this claim through three distinct crisis points in the story, weaving it tight with character arcs and symbolic objects.

Forgiveness in the Wake of Betrayal

When Key first learns of his wife Lauren’s affair with the neighbor Chad, his mind leaps immediately to vengeance fantasies and logistical chaos. In Chapter 11: Goats and Monkeys, he writes a novel about a cheating wife named Rachel to understand Lauren’s motives, telling himself, “If I could understand my wife, perhaps I could forgive her.” Yet that noble impulse is quickly dwarfed by the reality of splitting custody, selling a house, and facing financial ruin. Forgiveness, he admits, “seemed a noble but terribly remote concern.” Here Key reveals the first layer of his theme: forgiveness cannot be forced in the midst of trauma; it must wait until the immediate threat passes. His raw desire to punish—including a fantasy of driving a pitching wedge into Chad’s skull—shows how distant the Christian ideal feels in practice. The symbol of The Gravitron (a carnival ride) captures this spinning disorientation: he is whipped around by forces he cannot control, unable to find a stable place to land his forgiveness.

The Long Road to Surrender

The second crisis comes two years later when Lauren resumes the affair and declares she wants to marry Chad. In Chapter 23: The Hardest Thing, Key drives to the coast and contemplates the men in his family—his father, grandfather Monk, brother Bird—who endured betrayal without bitterness. He hears the biblical call from Micah to “do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly.” But he rages against justice: “Did Chad deserve mercy?… How does one walk humbly while dragging a dead body into a gully?” This chapter marks a shift: Key moves from seeing forgiveness as something he must give to recognizing that he must receive it as well—for his own faults. The List of Faults A to Z (an earlier self-examination) comes to mind here; he had to admit he was an “assface” before he could begin to forgive. In Chapter 24: Lying in Bed, he experiences a “profound shift to peace and surrender.” He tells Lauren she can stay home because that is safest for her, setting the boundary that Chad cannot come on the property. This is not a one-time pardon but a conditional, ongoing decision—the beginning of repeated forgiveness.

Living Forgiveness Day by Day

The third and most sustained treatment of forgiveness appears in Chapter 38: How to Stay Married. A year and a half after the crisis, Key still battles flashbacks of rage: “in a flash, you remember all over again and the rage fills you like it once did.” He admits that forgiving Chad is easy because he never sees him, but forgiving Lauren—the woman he shares a bed with—is far harder: “Letting go of the past is about as hard as Taylor Swift says it will be.” Yet he chooses forgiveness every day, not as a feeling but as an action. He credits Dr. Berman, who taught him to listen, and the community of Christ the King church, who “did not give answers… they did the harder thing and asked questions.” The symbol of Dr. Beast, the manatee stuffed animal, used in therapy to help the couple speak honestly, embodies this humble, playful approach to the impossible task. Key concludes that forgiveness is “the strangest” force in the universe—mysterious, beyond logic, but the only thing that saves a marriage.

The Paradoxes of Forgiveness

Key’s account is honest about the contradictions. Forgiveness does not erase the past: he still uses a tracking app, still feels sick when Lauren looks too cute for no reason, still cannot nap when she is out. He admits he has not fully forgiven; he must keep choosing it. Another paradox: the betrayer and the betrayed both need forgiveness. Lauren’s story in Chapter 37: A Whore in Church reveals her own grief and shame; Harrison’s list of his own flaws shows that self-righteousness is an obstacle. Jimbo, one of their counselors, says “the betrayed spouse usually has to own their part in it,” which Key initially resents but later accepts. Forgiveness, then, is not about declaring moral victory but about mutual humility. The Blight—a term Key uses for the corrosive effect of secrets—can only be healed when both parties expose their darkness to light.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Key’s definition of forgiveness change from the beginning of the memoir to the end?
Initially, Key sees forgiveness as a desirable but distant concept that he must give to Lauren so that co-parenting is less unpleasant. By the end, he understands forgiveness as a daily, active choice that requires him to also receive mercy for his own faults. It is no longer about exoneration but about ongoing love.

2. What role does community play in making forgiveness possible?
Community—especially the church Christ the King and friends like Soren and Debbie—provides a holding environment where both Harrison and Lauren can be honest without condemnation. The church people feed them, ask questions instead of giving answers, and model “reckless love for the broken.” This support enables Key to practice forgiveness when his own strength fails.

3. Why does Key say forgiving Chad is easier than forgiving Lauren?
Chad disappears from their lives after Key threatens him and he leaves the state. Forgiving someone you never see is abstract. But Lauren appears every day in the same bed, forcing Key to confront his emotions repeatedly. Forgiving her means living with the daily reminders and choosing love over resentment moment by moment.

4. How does the symbol of “The List of Faults A to Z” connect to forgiveness?
The list forces Harrison to admit his own flaws—assface, braggart, contrary—which demolishes his self-righteousness. He realizes he is not the innocent victim he imagined. This humility is necessary for forgiveness because it levels the moral playing field. Once he says “I’m an assface” and Lauren agrees, they can begin to forgive each other.

5. In what way does Key argue that forgiveness is “the strangest” force in the universe?
He calls forgiveness “the greatest LOL of them all” because it defies logic. He cannot explain why he stays with a woman who wanted him dead; he only knows that love is more powerful than vengeance. Forgiveness buries the dead past and allows new life to grow, which is as mysterious and miraculous as an elevator—he does not understand how it works, but he can enjoy the ride.