The List of Faults (A to Z): A Symbol of Confession in How to Stay Married

What Is the List of Faults?

In Chapter 15 of How to Stay Married, Harrison Scott Key compiles an alphabetically organized inventory of his own marital shortcomings. The list runs from “A” (Assface) to “Z” (Zinger), cataloguing specific behaviors, attitudes, and habits that made him a difficult partner. He calls it a “brief and incomplete catalogue of my faults.” The list appears only in that chapter, but its echoes reverberate through the rest of the memoir as a turning point in Harrison’s self-understanding and in the couple’s path toward reconciliation.

The literal list is a written text that Harrison constructs after receiving advice from his therapist Jimbo and from a prayer practice called ACTS (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication). While mowing the lawn and reflecting, he decides to confess his flaws one by one. He sends Lauren a text admitting he is an “assface,” and she responds in kind—the first agreement they have shared in a long time.

Where the List Recurs and How Its Meaning Changes

The list itself appears only once in the book, but its aftermath recurs in later chapters. After Harrison sends the text, Lauren’s reciprocal admission (“I am, too”) marks the beginning of a new dynamic. The list does not reappear as a literal object, but the pattern of confession continues: in therapy sessions with Dr. Berman, in the couple’s new morning ritual of smoking and talking, and in Lauren’s own narrative in Chapter 37, where she recounts her affair and her own failings. The meaning of the list shifts from a private exercise in self-flagellation to a tool for mutual understanding. Initially, Harrison creates the list partly out of resentment—he feels he must own his part in the marriage breakdown, even though Lauren had the affair. But the act of writing it opens a door: it allows him to stop seeing himself as the blameless victim and start seeing his own contributions to the marital dysfunction. By the end of the book, the list symbolizes the ongoing work of humility that makes staying married possible.

Character Connections

Harrison Scott Key

The list is Harrison’s creation. It reveals his central flaw: a tendency to defend himself by deflecting blame. Each entry is followed by a rationalization—for example, he calls his workaholism “dedication” and his cruel comedy “delicacy.” The list exposes his struggle between the “raptor” (unkindness) and the “Greater Prairie-Chicken” (humor) that live inside him. Completing the list forces him to reckon with his own monstrousness, a theme he later emphasizes: “You’re a monster. Marriage reveals this to you.”

Lauren Key

Lauren does not create her own alphabetical list, but she responds to Harrison’s confession with the same words: “I am, too.” This moment is crucial because it shows her willingness to meet him in vulnerability. In her own chapter, she later describes her affair, her grief, and her own failings, effectively offering her own confession. The list thus becomes a shared symbol: two flawed people admitting their faults instead of pointing fingers.

Dr. Berman and Jimbo

The therapists who guide Harrison toward this confession. Jimbo’s advice—that “the betrayed spouse usually has to own their part in it”—directly prompts the list. Dr. Berman later helps the couple move beyond the affair to deeper issues. Both characters represent the therapeutic approach that values humility over blame.

Chad

The affair partner is an indirect catalyst. Harrison’s list is partly a response to feeling inadequate next to Chad, who was “helpful” while Harrison was absent. The list helps Harrison confront his own failures as a father and husband, which made the marriage vulnerable to infidelity.

Theme Connections

Infidelity

The list is Harrison’s way of addressing the question: “What part did I play in making our marriage vulnerable to infidelity?” He acknowledges that his flaws “could not be blamed for the affair, but they hadn’t helped.” The list reframes infidelity not as a single sin but as a symptom of deeper relational rot.

Faith and Doubt

Harrison’s prayer practice (ACTS) includes confession as a spiritual discipline. The list is both a psychological exercise and a religious act—he is confessing to God as much as to himself. Faith provides the structure for this self-examination, and the list becomes a kind of secular liturgy of humility.

Forgiveness

The list paves the way for forgiveness by dismantling Harrison’s self-righteousness. He cannot truly forgive Lauren until he owns his own faults. Lauren’s reciprocal admission suggests that forgiveness is mutual and that both parties must be willing to confess.

Humor as Coping

The list is laced with self-deprecating humor. For example, under “X” he admits he does not play the xylophone but plays drums, “an instrument that has caused more divorces than any other musical instrument in world history, after the banjo.” This humor makes the painful exercise bearable and connects to the Chesterton epigraph about angels flying by taking themselves lightly.

Marriage Redemption

The list is the first concrete step toward redemption. Harrison describes the admission as the first thing they agreed on in a long time. The redemption arc requires ongoing confession, not a one-time list. In the final chapter, Harrison says the couple became “new creatures” through this process.

Study Questions with Answers

1. Why does Harrison create the List of Faults at this specific point in the story? Harrison creates the list after therapy with Jimbo, who tells him the betrayed spouse must own their part. He also uses the ACTS prayer method, which includes confession. He is mowing the lawn and reflecting on his own behavior, realizing that his flaws contributed to the marriage’s fragility. The list emerges from a combination of external advice and internal conviction.

2. How does the list change the dynamic between Harrison and Lauren? The list breaks the cycle of blame. When Harrison texts Lauren that he is an “assface,” she replies, “I am, too.” This is their first agreement in months. It shifts the conversation from who is worse to mutual recognition of imperfection. Later, this allows them to have honest conversations about the affair and their pasts.

3. In what ways does the list connect to the book’s epigraph (Chesterton’s “Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly”)? The list is Harrison’s attempt to take himself lightly—to stop defending his ego and laugh at his own absurdities. Each entry is both a serious confession and a humorous self-observation. By not taking himself too seriously, he becomes capable of the humility needed to stay married.

4. What is the significance of the list being alphabetical rather than chronological or thematic? The alphabetical structure suggests a methodical, almost obsessive approach to confession. It implies that Harrison is trying to be thorough, covering every possible flaw from A to Z. Yet the list is incomplete, as he admits. The alphabet acts as a mnemonic device that makes the confession memorable and almost game-like, softening the blow of self-criticism with a touch of playfulness.