Soren: The Shepherd of Broken Windows in How to Stay Married

Overview

Soren is a minor but pivotal figure in Harrison Scott Key’s memoir How to Stay Married. A friend who founds Christ the King, a church that meets in a dilapidated building shared with a homeless shelter, Soren embodies the radical hospitality and vulnerable leadership that becomes the Keys’ lifeline. He is not a relative or a childhood friend; he enters the story as a trusted pastor figure whose actions—counseling, guarding, and simply showing up—demonstrate the power of communal grace. While his appearances are concentrated in the latter half of the book, his influence permeates the Keys’ eventual reconciliation.

Plot Role

Soren serves as a catalyst for the Keys’ spiritual and emotional renewal. After the initial affair and separation, Harrison and Lauren find themselves yearning for a church that does not hide brokenness. Soren answers that need by creating Christ the King (themes/faith-and-doubt), a congregation where “brokenness was everywhere, including many of the lights” (Chapter 17). His role escalates from preacher to crisis responder: he stands guard outside the carriage house while Harrison helps Lauren flee, and he offers counsel when Harrison struggles with whether to divorce. Soren’s consistent presence—praying with Harrison, meeting privately with Lauren, and never shaming either spouse—makes him the embodiment of the “third way” that Key credits with saving his marriage (themes/marriage-redemption).

Motivations and Traits

Soren’s primary motivation is to create a community where people can “show your ugly heart to everybody and they just loved you harder” (Chapter 17). He is not interested in moral performance; his sermons focus on “how to stop being an asshole and how to throw a party and invite neighbors.” This reveals a deep commitment to authenticity over piety. His traits include:

Non‑judgmental pastoral care: When Lauren is at her lowest, Soren does not lecture her. He asks questions: “What does it feel like to be her?” (Chapter 38). This approach allows her heart to awaken without defensiveness.
Courage under pressure: Standing guard while Harrison gathers Lauren’s belongings from the carriage house (Chapter 35) requires physical bravery and willingness to confront potential violence.
Humility: Soren wears a clerical collar with wrinkled pants and cheap sneakers. He spoils movies during sermons and admits his own confusion. This vulnerability makes him approachable.
Wisdom that honors agency: When asked about divorce, Soren states “that divorce is scripturally permissible but suggests a harder path” (Chapter 26). He does not impose his answer but lays out options, trusting the couple to choose.

Chronological Arc

Soren’s story unfolds across three key phases:

Foundation (2018): Inspired by the town’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, Soren decides to start a church. He recruits Jimbo and others, eventually inviting Harrison to play drums. The church meets in Soren’s living room, an empty art gallery, and finally a building with shattered windows. Harrison notes that for the first time in forever, he feels at home in church (Chapter 17).
Carriage House Crisis (2021): After Harrison discovers Lauren is living with Chad in a carriage house, he drives there with a knife but leaves the gun. He finds Lauren alone, and they frantically pack her belongings. The outline states: “Harrison drives to the carriage house … Soren stands guard” (Chapter 35). This is the most dramatic demonstration of Soren’s loyalty and courage.
Ongoing Support (2021 onward): In the aftermath, Soren and the Christ the King community continue to “feed them, hug them, show up” (Chapter 38). Soren’s private meeting with Lauren (Chapter 26) helps her voice her grievances with Harrison, and his consistent prayer with the men’s group provides Harrison with a sounding board.

Relationships

With Harrison: Soren becomes a spiritual mentor and friend. Harrison trusts him enough to call him when Lauren is in crisis and to follow his advice about the “harder path.” The relationship is built on mutual respect rather than formal hierarchy.
With Lauren: Soren meets her privately and listens without condemnation. Lauren, who felt judged by previous churches, finds in Soren someone who “did not tell her she was doing a bad thing and must now do this or that good thing to fix it” (Chapter 38). His non‑coercive approach helps her feel safe enough to return home.
With the Church Community: Soren intentionally surrounds himself with people like Jimbo, who sings at the front like a tent revivalist, and the eclectic mix of veterans, addicts, and artists. He models that leadership means being weak and honest, not invulnerable.

Key Decisions and Consequences

Founding Christ the King: This decision provides the Keys with a community that accepts their brokenness. Without this church, Harrison and Lauren might have remained isolated, making reconciliation far more difficult. The consequence is a network of people who literally “feed them” and pray them through the worst days.
Advising the Harder Path: In Chapter 26, Soren acknowledges that divorce is permissible but emphasizes the potential of staying. This counsel, offered without pressure, gives Harrison permission to hope without hatred. The consequence is that Harrison pushes through his anger and ultimately chooses to fight for his marriage.
Standing Guard: By physically placing himself between Chad and the Keys during the carriage house extraction, Soren risks his own safety. This act of courage solidifies Harrison’s trust and signals that the community will put skin in the game.

Theme and Symbol Connections

Soren is deeply tied to the themes of faith-and-doubt and forgiveness. His church’s broken windows symbolize the book’s central argument: love thrives not in polished perfection but in spaces where people can fail openly. Soren also embodies humor-as-coping; his preaching is funny, he “ruins” movies with spoilers, and he does not take himself too seriously. This lightness echoes the epigraph from G. K. Chesterton: “Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly.”

Furthermore, Soren represents the kind of community Key insists is necessary for marriage-redemption: a village of people “insane enough to love both of you.” Without Soren, the story might have ended in divorce; with him, the Keys experience the “reckless love for the broken” that Key credits as the force that “always saves your life, your soul, your family, your marriage” (Chapter 17).

Questions and Answers

1. Why does Soren say divorce is permissible but then suggest a harder path?
He acknowledges biblical grounds for divorce but emphasizes that reconciliation, though more painful in the short term, leads to deeper transformation. This reflects his pastoral philosophy of honoring agency while pointing toward grace.

2. What does Soren’s attire—wrinkled pants, cheap sneakers, clerical collar—communicate?
It visually signals that he is both a traditional priest (collar) and a humble, approachable human (worn clothes). He rejects clerical status symbols that might create distance.

3. How does Soren handle Lauren’s confession without condemning her?
He asks open-ended questions about her feelings, thereby allowing her to speak her own truth. He avoids moral equations and instead creates a safe space for her to hear her own answers.

4. Is Soren based on a real person?
Key alters names and details for discretion (Chapter 1). While Soren is plausibly inspired by a real pastor, the book does not confirm his factual identity. The character should be interpreted as a composite shaped for narrative purposes.

5. What role does Soren play in the carriage house scene?
He stands guard while Harrison and Lauren load her belongings into the truck, providing protection against Chad’s potential return. This physical act of solidarity demonstrates that the church community will not merely offer words but will put themselves at risk.

For further exploration of the story’s resolution, see the ending explained and questions and answers.