Reclaiming Identity and Self-Definition in Hell Followed With Us

The Thematic Claim: Self-Definition as Survival in Hell Followed With Us

In Hell Followed With Us, identity is not a fixed inheritance but a survival practice. The novel argues that self-definition—choosing one's name, pronouns, and the story one tells about oneself—is an act of resistance against institutions that seek to erase or weaponize the self. For Benji, the trans boy at the center of the story, reclaiming his identity means fighting not only the Angels who raised him but also the Flood virus that is transforming his body into a weapon, and the relationships that tried to define him before he could define himself. The novel's central claim is that identity is not granted by institutions, families, or relationships—it must be actively claimed and reclaimed, even when the body itself is being turned against that identity.

Naming as First Reclamation

The novel opens with Benji in flight. Brother Hutch has just killed his father, and the Angels are hunting him. When Hutch calls out, he uses the language of the church: Benji's mother wants her daughter home. The erasure is immediate and violent—Benji's identity as a boy is denied even as he is being hunted. When Steven pins him to the road and threatens to start cutting things off, the threat is explicitly about his gender. Steven tells him to be a good girl and do what he says, and Benji says okay.

That okay is the sound of a self being crushed. But the novel immediately begins the work of reclaiming it. When Benji arrives at the ALC, Erin asks him a question the Angels never would: what name and pronouns does he want her to use? Benji answers, Benji, short for Benjamin, he/him. The moment is small, but it is the first time in the novel that Benji names himself without fear of punishment. The text describes the taste of his own name as sweet enough to almost wipe the memory of blood from his tongue.

This is the novel's central move: identity is not something granted by institutions or families but something claimed by the self. The Angels gave Benji a name, a role, a betrothal. The ALC gives him the space to choose his own. The contrast is stark—the Angels' recruitment posters demand salvation through submission, while the ALC's walls are covered with photographs of a world where queer people could raise their fists in public.

The Body and Social Dysphoria

Benji's relationship with his own body complicates the novel's treatment of identity. He reflects that he doesn't have physical dysphoria in the way the workbooks at the ALC describe it—he doesn't care about his chest, and he's never wanted a different set of genitals. His dysphoria comes from the way other people see him. Why do his wrists have to be so small? Why does every shirt have to sit on his ass like that? The problem isn't his body; it's the social reading of his body.

This is a crucial distinction. The Angels read his body as female and therefore as property—as a future bride, as a vessel for the Flood. The ALC reads his body as his own. When Aisha outfits him in black bloc clothes, Benji finds the anonymity soothing: it smothers everything that could clock him as a girl. But this is also a form of erasure. He is hiding, not being seen. The novel is honest about the fact that self-definition sometimes requires concealment, especially when the world is hostile.

The Flood complicates this further. Benji's body is not just socially misread; it is literally being transformed into a monster. The Seraph trials are turning him into a six-winged beast. He has weeks, maybe less, before the transformation is complete. His body is becoming a weapon of the very institution that tried to erase him. The novel asks: what does it mean to have a self when your body is no longer yours?

Recognition and the Bead Lizard

The bead lizard scene is the novel's most explicit statement about what recognition looks like. Nick, the ALC's reluctant leader, teaches Benji to make bead lizards during a moment of crisis. When Benji picks out beads in the trans flag colors, Nick shakes his head—he's already working on a trans lizard of his own. He finishes it and offers it to Benji, saying Benji can have it if he tells Nick where he was going.

The trans bead lizard is a small object, but it carries enormous weight. It is a symbol of being seen. Nick doesn't ask Benji to explain his identity or justify it. He simply makes him a gift that says: I know who you are, and I accept it. The lizard is also a practice—a way of making something with your hands when words fail. Benji's first attempt snaps the string; his second succeeds. The novel suggests that self-definition is like beadwork: it takes practice, it requires patience, and it can be done even when everything else is falling apart.

The bobby pins Nick wears are another small detail of self-presentation. Benji notices them early on, and later tries to use them himself. These tiny acts of grooming and self-care are part of how the novel builds identity from the ground up—not through grand declarations but through the accumulation of small choices about how to present oneself to the world.

Theo, the Ring, and the Final Reclamation

The engagement ring is the novel's most complex symbol of imposed identity. Theo proposed when they were fifteen, after Benji's mother caught them having sex. The engagement was not a choice—it was the only alternative to being cast from the family. The ring bound Benji to a role: Theo's betrothed, a future bride, a vessel for the church's plans. Even after Theo spits at him and calls him a lying, ungrateful bitch, Benji still loves him. He asks himself whether he's still in love, and the answer is yes.

The final confrontation with Theo is brutal. Theo tries to drown Benji, accusing him of throwing away everything he was given. Benji stabs him, and Nick shoots him. In the aftermath, Benji finds Theo's body and creates a small creature from his remains, placing the engagement ring in its palm. The gesture is ambiguous—it could be grief, or it could be reclamation. By placing the ring in the creature's palm, Benji takes the symbol of his imposed identity and transforms it. The ring no longer binds him; it becomes part of something he made.

The final scene with Nick completes the arc. Benji lies beside Nick, and they press foreheads together, feeling at home. The word home is significant. Benji has been homeless throughout the novel—first in New Nazareth, then in flight, then at the ALC. Home, for Benji, is not a place but a person who sees him as he is.

Complexity and Contradiction

The novel refuses to offer a simple account of identity. Benji's dysphoria is social rather than physical, which complicates the idea that being trans is about changing the body. His love for Theo persists even after Theo's violence, which complicates the idea that imposed identities can be simply discarded. And the ALC, for all its acceptance, is not a utopia—it is a place of trauma, loss, and scarcity. Erin's comment that at least it's easier to transition when the rest of the world is gone is darkly ironic: the world had to end for Benji to be able to name himself.

The novel also asks whether self-definition is possible when the body itself is being weaponized. Benji's transformation into Seraph is not something he chooses. The Flood is inside him, changing him, and he cannot stop it. The novel's answer seems to be that identity is not located in the body but in the self—in the choices one makes, the names one claims, the people one loves. Benji's body becomes a monster, but he remains Benji.

Study Questions

1. How does the novel use naming as a form of resistance?

The Angels consistently misgender Benji and refer to him as a daughter or a girl. When Benji arrives at the ALC, Erin asks him what name and pronouns he wants, and he claims Benji, short for Benjamin, he/him. The novel treats this act of self-naming as a foundational moment of resistance—the first time Benji is able to define himself without fear of punishment.

2. What is the significance of the bead lizard Nick gives Benji?

Nick makes a trans flag bead lizard for Benji as a gift. The lizard is a symbol of recognition—Nick sees Benji's identity and accepts it without requiring explanation or justification. It also represents the practice of making something with one's hands when words fail, suggesting that self-definition is a craft that takes patience and repetition.

3. How does Benji's dysphoria differ from the way the ALC workbooks describe it?

Benji reflects that he doesn't have physical dysphoria in the way the workbooks describe—he doesn't care about his chest and has never wanted different genitals. His dysphoria comes from the way other people see him, from the social reading of his body as female. This complicates the idea that being trans is primarily about changing the body.

4. What does the engagement ring symbolize, and how does Benji transform its meaning?

The engagement ring symbolizes the identity imposed on Benji by the church—as Theo's betrothed, as a future bride, as a vessel for the Flood. After Theo's death, Benji creates a creature from Theo's remains and places the ring in its palm, transforming the ring from a symbol of bondage into part of something he made.

5. How does the novel's final scene with Nick complete Benji's arc of self-definition?

In the final scene, Benji lies beside Nick and they press foreheads together, feeling at home. The word home is significant because Benji has been homeless throughout the novel. Home, for Benji, is not a place but a person who sees him as he is—a recognition that completes his journey from being defined by others to being seen by someone who accepts him.