Chapter summaries Self-Portrait with Nothing Aimee Pokwatka

Chapter 10 Summary and Analysis

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Pepper wakes early with a pounding headache and retrieves the faded blue envelopes she took from the church. She examines them in the bathroom, noting the precise, swoopy cursive and the Polish text. She hides the letters in her shirt and goes to the hotel lobby, where the elderly desk clerk Kacper initially offers to translate. He reads a few lines aloud—calling Ula a “sorceress of time” and describing feverish longing—then abruptly stops, claiming his English fails him, and refuses to help.

Later, a young staff member named Jola pulls Pepper into a supply closet and offers to translate. Jola reads the first letter, which is explicitly romantic, and then the second, which ends with a striking passage: “I wait on you and wait on you and wait on you. I wait with kind of violence. When will you come?” Jola identifies the return address as a distinctive house, comparing it to Hansel and Gretel’s house. Pepper leaves the closet, and Scott tells her he’s arranged another night at the hotel and plans to visit the police station. He invites her along, but she declines, citing a headache.

Pepper goes to the house alone. The exterior is decorated in candy-cane stripes and gumdrop colors, with a skull-shaped door knocker. A man named Rafał Lisiewicz answers, strokes her cheek, and invites her in. He is evasive about when he last saw Ula, claiming it has been “too long” and deflecting her specific questions. He shows her a painting with a black hole at its center, mentions that Ula never painted him, and describes their first meeting in a way that suggests a possessive, almost predatory dynamic. When Pepper notices a white cardigan and slippers in the dining room and tries to investigate, Rafał blocks her. A woman arrives with groceries and argues with Rafał in Polish; he forces Pepper out but presses a folded note into her hand. The note reads: “If I disappear, don’t worry. I don’t want you to find me. I’m fine.”

Back at the hotel, Scott reports that police found only Ula’s fingerprints at the church and that multiple witnesses have seen her in the neighborhood since her disappearance. He concludes she’s fine and suggests they go home. Pepper is unconvinced. She copies the note in her own handwriting and notices the original is rushed and shaky, unlike Ula’s usual style. She imagines Ula being dragged away, though she also wonders if she’s conflating Ula with herself.

Key Events

  • Pepper retrieves the love letters from the church and seeks a translation.

  • Kacper refuses to translate after reading a few lines; Jola translates in a closet, revealing explicit content and a violent waiting passage.

  • Jola identifies the return address as a distinctive house.

  • Scott plans another night and a police visit; Pepper declines to join.

  • Pepper visits Rafał Lisiewicz, who is evasive and blocks her from a back room.

  • A woman arrives and argues with Rafał; he forces Pepper out but gives her a note from Ula.

  • Scott reports police findings: only Ula’s prints at the church, and witnesses have seen her in the neighborhood.

  • Pepper copies the note and notices the handwriting is rushed and unlike Ula’s usual style.

Character Development

Pepper is increasingly torn between her evidence-based worldview and her gut instincts. She acknowledges that her career is built on evidence, yet she feels in her bones that something is wrong. Her headache, which persists throughout the chapter, mirrors her internal turmoil. She also struggles with her relationship to Scott, snapping at him when he suggests they leave, and she withholds information about the letters and the note, deepening the secrecy that surrounds Ula’s disappearance.

Rafał Lisiewicz emerges as a menacing figure. He is possessive of Ula, speaks of her as changeable and unpredictable, and physically touches Pepper without consent. His evasiveness and the way he blocks her from the dining room suggest he is hiding something. The note he gives Pepper, ostensibly from Ula, may be a manipulation.

Scott is pragmatic and eager to conclude that Ula is fine. He is relieved by the police findings and wants to return home, which creates friction with Pepper. His willingness to accept the official narrative contrasts with Pepper’s growing suspicion.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

  • Love letters as evidence: The letters are physical artifacts that Pepper hopes will reveal the truth about Ula’s disappearance, but they are in a language she can’t read, symbolizing the difficulty of interpreting another person’s life.

  • Language barriers: The translation scene highlights how meaning can be lost or distorted, and how secrets are protected by language.

  • Evidence vs. intuition: Pepper’s professional reliance on evidence clashes with her intuitive dread about the note and Ula’s fate.

  • Secrets and concealment: Rafał’s house, with its hidden rooms and blocked doorways, mirrors the secrets he keeps. The note itself is a secret Pepper keeps from Scott.

  • Fairy tale imagery: Jola’s comparison of Rafał’s house to Hansel and Gretel’s suggests a trap, and the candy-colored exterior belies the danger within.

  • Possessiveness: Rafał’s language and actions toward Ula—and toward Pepper—reveal a controlling, possessive nature.

  • Voluntary vs. forced disappearance: The note suggests Ula left willingly, but Pepper’s analysis of the handwriting hints at duress.

  • Black hole imagery: The painting with a black hole at its center evokes the idea of being pulled into an inescapable situation, and Pepper wishes it would “suck her through,” reflecting her desire to escape her own confusion.

  • Physical pain as stress: Pepper’s headache intensifies during moments of tension, linking her physical state to her emotional distress.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter is pivotal because it introduces Rafał Lisiewicz, the letter writer, and provides the first concrete evidence—the note—that Ula may be alive but possibly under duress. It also deepens the mystery by contrasting the police’s conclusion (Ula is fine) with Pepper’s growing suspicion. The chapter forces Pepper to choose between accepting the official narrative and following her instincts, setting up the central conflict for the remainder of the novel. The fairy-tale imagery and the black hole painting reinforce the sense of a hidden, dangerous world beneath the surface.

Study Questions and Answers

  1. Why does Pepper decide not to tell Scott about the letters or the note?

Pepper is already feeling isolated from Scott, who is eager to leave and believes Ula is fine. She also feels guilty about taking the letters from the church and may fear that Scott will dismiss her concerns. The note, in particular, seems to confirm the official story, but Pepper’s instinct tells her otherwise, and she wants to investigate on her own terms.

  1. What does the note’s handwriting suggest to Pepper, and why is it significant?

When Pepper copies the note, she notices the original is written in print, with no connections between letters, and appears rushed and shaky. This is unlike Ula’s usual style, which Pepper knows from Gordon’s earlier comment that her handwriting resembles Ula’s. The rushed, shaky quality suggests the note may have been written under duress, undermining its claim that Ula is fine.

  1. How does the fairy-tale imagery of Hansel and Gretel function in this chapter?

Jola compares Rafał’s house to Hansel and Gretel’s, but Pepper realizes it’s more like the witch’s house—deceptively inviting on the outside, but dangerous within. This foreshadows Rafał’s menacing behavior and suggests that Ula may have been lured into a trap, just as the children were lured by the candy house.

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