The Hit List: Symbol of Rebellion and Memory in I Fell in Love With Hope
What Is the Hit List?
The Hit List is a spiral-bound notebook that appears early in the story and serves as both a literal record and a symbolic manifesto for a group of terminally ill teenagers. Neo, the quiet writer, obtains an old notebook from his cardboard box and coins the term “hit list” because “we weren’t just stealing, we were killing” (Chapter 5: Hee). The group—Sam, Sony, Coeur (C), Neo, and later Hikari—uses it to document thefts from three abstract enemies: Time, Disease, and Death.
The notebook contains three layers of meaning as the plot unfolds: a rebellion against terminal illness, a collective memory of stolen moments, and finally a legacy that outlasts the group’s physical existence.
Where the Hit List Appears
The notebook is introduced in Chapter 5 when Neo drops it onto the rooftop concrete and the friends write a defiant declaration. It reappears during the “thieving five-point star” game, where each friend writes a promise on a torn page to steal something for another (Chapter 5: Hee). Later, after Neo’s death, his mother salvages the notebook from a pile of belongings meant to be burned and returns it to Sam (Chapter 28: Soul Bared to Paper). In Chapter 29: I Understand, Sam discovers that the notebook now holds Polaroids, drawings, song lyrics, and a final message from his friends thanking him for “the Heaven.”
How Its Meaning Changes
Stage 1: A Heist against Fate
Initially, the Hit List is a tool for active rebellion. The friends steal tangible items (cigarettes, beer, a cat named Hee) and intangible ones (a day of laughter, a full flight of stairs). The declaration page co‑written by C and Neo reads: “We will kill you in every way we know. That way, when we must go, the playing field is even.” The notebook symbolizes the group’s refusal to be passive victims. They transform the hospital’s ordinary boredom into a defiant game.
Stage 2: A Catalogue of Stolen Life
During the thieving game, each friend writes a promise for another—Hikari promises to give Sam a dream, Sam promises to steal wings for Sony, Neo pledges something for C, and so on. The list becomes a repository of aspirations that exist in defiance of illness. Even when Sony’s lung fails (Chapter 5: Hee), the notebook continues to accumulate tangible proofs of happiness.
Stage 3: A Graveyard of Love and Memory
After Neo’s death, the Hit List transforms into a memorial. Neo’s mother saves it from the fire, and Sam discovers that the friends have filled its pages with artifacts of their shared life: a leaf, ultrasound images, Polaroids, and handwritten notes. The final message reads: “Your garden grew and flourished… Without you, those flowers might’ve never known light.” The notebook no longer represents a plan for escape but a record of the Heaven they already created together. It is the physical proof that their lives mattered, even though disease and death ultimately won.
Character Connections
- Neo: The creator and keeper of the notebook. He writes the verb “Death will die” and treats the list as both a story and a weapon. His death transforms the list into an archive of his immortal words.
- Coeur (C): Writes the emotional declaration about time, disease, and death. He is the heart of the group’s poetic defiance. After Neo’s surgery, C watches him in a state between conscious and unconscious, holding the notebook’s spirit close.
- Sony: The initiator of the thieving game. She adds the cat Hee to the list and insists that Hikari join. Sony’s exuberance fills the early pages. Later, her death (mentioned in Chapter 29) makes the notebook’s surviving artifacts even more poignant.
- Hikari: Joins the list by writing a promise for Sam. She understands the list’s dual purpose: rebellion against the hospital’s routines and a way to steal back dreams. She later draws pictures that end up in the notebook’s final pages.
- Sam: The narrator who carries the list after Neo’s mother returns it. Sam reads the artifacts and realizes the friends have already given him a Heaven through their love. The notebook becomes a bridge between grief and gratitude.
Thematic Links
The Hit List ties directly to the novel’s central themes explored on the Hope and Despair and Rebellion Against Fate pages.
| Theme | How the Hit List Illustrates It |
|---|---|
| Hope and Despair | The list is an act of hope because it assumes there is something worth stealing. Yet it also acknowledges despair—the enemies are named, and the final escape (Heaven) is a page yet to be filled. |
| Grief and Memory | After the friends die, the notebook preserves their moments. Its final message shows that remembering is an essential part of love, as discussed in Grief and Memory. |
| Love and Chosen Family | The thieving game bonds the group. They steal for each other, not just for themselves. The list proves that family can be built among the dying. See Love and Chosen Family. |
| Rebellion against Fate | The declaration page directly challenges Time, Disease, and Death. The thefts are small acts of defiance—taking a cigarette, a cat, a happy memory—that assert agency over a predetermined timeline. |
| Identity and Brokenness | Each character writes what they want stolen, revealing their deepest lacks (Sam: a dream; Sony: wings; Hikari: a grand romantic gesture). The list makes their brokenness visible and transforms it into a shared goal. |
4 Study Questions with Answers
Q1: Why does Neo call it a “hit list” instead of a wish list?
Answer: Neo uses the term because the group is not merely asking for things; they are actively “killing” their enemies. Each theft is a small murder of Time, Disease, or Death. The word “hit” emphasizes the aggressive, defiant nature of their rebellion. In the declaration, they write “Death will die,” not “Death will grant us more time.” The list is a weapon, not a petition.
Q2: How does the Hit List’s function change after Neo’s death?
Answer: Before Neo dies, the list is an active record of ongoing thefts and promises. After his death, Neo’s mother returns it to Sam, who discovers that it has become a scrapbook of memories. The list no longer plans future escapes; it preserves the Heaven the friends already built together. Its purpose shifts from rebellion to remembrance.
Q3: What does the final message in the Hit List reveal about Sam’s role in the group?
Answer: The message calls Sam the “garden” and says the friends “might’ve never known light” without him. This reveals that Sam—as the narrator and the eternal patient—provided the stability and love that allowed the others to thrive. Even though Sam often feels broken, the group sees him as a source of hope. The notebook proves that his presence made their stolen moments possible.
Q4: In what way does the Hit List connect to the novel’s broader definition of Heaven?
Answer: The novel defines Heaven not as an afterlife but as “a collection of yet-to-be-filled pages” where the friends will be “unbound from our lives, happy and together and unafraid.” The Hit List itself becomes that Heaven. When Sam finds the filled pages of Polaroids and notes, he realizes that the group’s thefts—their shared joy—already constitute Heaven. The notebook is the physical embodiment of their eternal bond.