Two Old Nuns Having Amazing Lesbian Sex — Chapter 8 Summary & Analysis

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

(Chapter 8 of Quietly Hostile by Samantha Irby)

This page contains a detailed summary and analysis of the chapter, including its plot, themes, and key moments. If you have not yet read the chapter, please be aware that this page contains major spoilers for the essay's content and conclusions.

Summary

In this essay, Samantha Irby opens by declaring herself a “masturbation person” rather than a “sex person.” She explains that her preference for solo sex stems from the absence of performance pressure and the freedom to stop or fall asleep without social consequences. This leads her into a critique of the lingerie industry, specifically a Valentine’s Day advertisement for a “Juicy-Hot Teddy.” She mocks the marketing copy, the impracticality of the garment, and the expectation that married couples must keep things “spicy” in the bedroom. She contrasts this elaborate, embarrassing ideal with her own reality, which involves a low libido due to medication and a general sense of bodily shame.

Irby then lists her preferred porn genres, which include “middle-aged man jerking off while being gently pegged,” “fat lady being worshipped,” and “KISSING.” She explains that her favorite piece of pornographic cinema is a video titled “Two Old Nuns Having Amzing [sic] Lesbian Sex.” She describes how she found it by searching for terms like “senior citizen real orgasm,” and she emphasizes her need to be certain that all performers are of legal car-renting age.

The bulk of the chapter is a detailed, comedic breakdown of the video. She analyzes each of its tags, including “HD Porn,” “Lesbian,” “Mature,” “Porn Star,” “Pussy Licking,” “Nun,” “Romantic,” “Story Line,” “Scissoring,” “British,” “Mom,” “Old,” “Big Tits,” “Mother,” “Nun Lesbian,” “Fake Tits,” “Granny,” “Passionate,” “Movie Scene,” “MILF,” “Reality,” and “Scissoring” (listed twice). She offers her own commentary on each, often using them as springboards for larger observations about aging, authenticity, and the absurdity of porn tropes.

She then recounts the video’s plot in chronological order. It opens with a sweeping shot of the Italian countryside and follows a stern nun who is reading a Bible. A younger nun, Sister Mona, enters with a book, and the stern nun dismisses her. Sister Mona leaves a letter from a dying friend. The next scene shows Sister Mona and another nun, Sister Mary, doing laundry. Sister Mary confesses she still thinks of their night together, but Sister Mona coldly rejects her.

The stern nun, whose name is revealed to be Joan, goes to confession and admits to having doubts. She confesses to brutalizing Sister Mona and reveals she received a letter from a dying friend. She then visits the sick nun, who is in bed. The two engage in a long, emotional dialogue about love, regret, and forgiveness. They kiss, undress, and eventually have sex. Irby notes that the video is 39 minutes and 11 seconds long, and that the women orgasm at approximately the 22-minute mark.

Key Events

Irby declares her preference for masturbation over partnered sex, citing a lack of performance pressure.
She critiques a Valentine’s Day lingerie advertisement, mocking the impracticality and marketing language of the “Juicy-Hot Teddy.”
She lists her preferred porn genres, which include “KISSING” and “fat lady being worshipped.”
She identifies “Two Old Nuns Having Amzing [sic] Lesbian Sex” as her favorite pornographic film.
She provides a tag-by-tag analysis of the video, offering commentary on each category.
She recounts the video’s plot: the stern nun (Joan) receives a letter from a dying friend, visits her, and they reconcile.
The video features a subplot with Sister Mona, who rejects Sister Mary’s confession of lingering feelings.
Irby notes the video’s runtime (39:11) and the time of the orgasm (22:01).
She reflects on her own sexual preferences, including a fantasy involving rain, television, and separate beds.

Character Development

Samantha Irby: Throughout the chapter, Irby presents herself as a person who is deeply uncomfortable with performance, whether in the bedroom or in lingerie. She is self-deprecating about her body and her libido, attributing her low sex drive to medication and depression. Her analysis of the porn video reveals her preferences for authenticity, kissing, and older performers. She also reflects on her own history, including her mother’s death, which she connects to her attraction to the “MILF” and “Mom” tags.

Sister Mona: In the video-within-the-essay, Sister Mona is a younger nun who is portrayed as cold and dismissive. She rejects Sister Mary’s confession of love, apologizing for “awakening temptation” in her.

Sister Mary: Sister Mary is a nun who confesses to Sister Mona that she still thinks of their night together. She is crestfallen when Sister Mona rejects her.

Joan (Mean Nun): Joan is the stern nun who receives the letter from her dying friend. She is portrayed as struggling with guilt and doubt, and she is initially cruel to Sister Mona. Her visit to the sick nun reveals a softer side, and she eventually smiles and laughs after being kissed.

Sick Nun: The sick nun is Joan’s dying friend. She is portrayed as wise and forgiving, and she encourages Joan to choose love and bravery. She is the one who initiates the physical intimacy.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Performance Pressure vs. Authenticity: Irby contrasts the performative nature of lingerie and “spicy” bedroom expectations with the authenticity she seeks in porn. She prefers amateur videos and older performers because they seem more real.

Aging and Sexuality: The chapter challenges the idea that only young, conventionally attractive people are sexual. Irby celebrates the bodies of older performers and expresses a preference for “mature” content.

Religious Guilt: Irby frequently references her religious upbringing and the guilt associated with watching porn, especially porn involving nuns. She jokes about feeling God’s disapproval and the “phantom flames from hell” when considering role-play.

Fantasy vs. Reality: Irby contrasts her own sexual fantasies—which involve rain, television, and separate beds—with the elaborate scenarios depicted in porn and lingerie ads. She suggests that her fantasy is more about comfort and intimacy than spectacle.

Writing as Outlet: Irby briefly considers whether she could write porn herself, noting that she could come up with something more titillating than the video’s dialogue. This reflects her role as a writer who processes the world through humor and observation.

Unrequited Longing: The subplot between Sister Mona and Sister Mary is an example of unrequited longing, which Irby notes is “nothing sexier than intense, unrequited longing.”

Maternal Themes: Irby connects her attraction to the “Mom” and “MILF” tags to her own mother’s death, suggesting a longing for maternal care.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter is a prime example of Irby’s signature style: a deeply personal, hilarious, and unflinching exploration of a taboo subject. It matters because it normalizes conversations about female masturbation, aging, and sexual desire. Irby’s critique of the lingerie industry and her preference for authenticity over performance challenge mainstream expectations about female sexuality. The chapter also demonstrates her ability to find humor and insight in the most unlikely places, such as a 39-minute porn video about nuns. It reinforces the book’s overarching themes of bodily shame, mental health, and the search for comfort in a world that often demands performance.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Irby use the lingerie advertisement to critique societal expectations of female sexuality?

Irby uses the advertisement for the “Juicy-Hot Teddy” to mock the idea that women must perform elaborate, uncomfortable rituals to be considered sexy. She highlights the impracticality of the garment, the absurdity of the marketing copy, and the pressure it places on women to be “naughty temptresses.” By contrasting this with her own preference for comfort and solo sex, she argues that these expectations are unrealistic and alienating.

2. What does Irby’s preference for “mature” and “old” porn reveal about her values?

Irby’s preference for older performers reveals her desire for authenticity. She believes that older participants are more likely to have realistic, genuine sex, as opposed to the “hysterical shrieking” of younger performers. She also values the visibility of aging bodies in sexual contexts, which challenges the cultural norm that only young people are desirable.

3. How does the chapter use humor to address the topic of religious guilt?

Irby uses humor to defuse the discomfort of religious guilt. She jokes about feeling God’s disapproval while watching porn, the absurdity of the “Nun” tag, and the idea of “ass eating while wearing God’s uniform.” By laughing at these scenarios, she acknowledges the guilt while also rejecting its power over her.