Chapter 6, “My Firstborn Dog”: Summary, Themes, and Key Takeaways
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
The chapter opens with a phone conversation between Samantha Irby and a man from her past, who asks if she regrets not having had a child with him. Irby is taken aback and spends the rest of the chapter reflecting on why she never wanted kids. She lists her reasons: her own health problems, her personality flaws, and financial constraints. She notes that she had an ablation five years earlier to prevent pregnancy, and she describes her hypothetical child as fat, sickly, illiterate, undisciplined, with bad teeth, and quietly hostile—essentially a mirror of herself and her mother. She concludes that she is glad she never had a child because she would be a neglectful and resentful parent.
During the pandemic, she and her partner, Kirsten, decide to adopt a dog to break the monotony of being stuck at home. They first try to adopt a chihuahua named Granny, but she is already taken. They then try another chihuahua named Felicity, who is also adopted. Finally, they find a pale, sad-looking dog named Bubbles on the SPCA website. Despite Irby's initial hesitation, they adopt him and rename him Abraham (Abe).
From the start, Abe exhibits a long list of problematic behaviors: he barks constantly, is destructive, refuses to be crate-trained, fights with the cats, and is generally difficult. Irby and Kirsten attempt a puppy training class at PetSmart, but they are kicked out because Abe cannot stop barking at other dogs. They then enroll him in a daycare, which accepts him on a trial basis. Irby is anxious about Abe misbehaving and embarrassing her, but he manages to stay. The daycare sends report cards with photos showing Abe terrorizing other dogs, and Irby interprets the teacher's euphemisms as confirmation of his bad behavior. The chapter ends with Irby responding to the man's earlier question by saying she has a dog instead of a child.
Key Events
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A man asks Irby if she regrets not having a child with him, prompting a long internal reflection.
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Irby lists her reasons for not wanting children, including health, personality, and financial concerns, and mentions her ablation.
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During the pandemic, Irby and Kirsten decide to adopt a dog.
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They attempt to adopt chihuahuas named Granny and Felicity, but both are already taken.
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They adopt Bubbles, rename him Abraham, and bring him home.
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Abe's behavioral issues are catalogued in detail, including constant barking, destructiveness, and difficulty training.
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Irby and Kirsten are kicked out of a puppy training class.
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They enroll Abe in daycare, where he is accepted on a trial basis and manages to stay.
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Daycare report cards show Abe misbehaving, and Irby interprets the teacher's comments as negative.
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Irby ends the chapter by telling the man she has a dog instead of a child.
Character Development
Samantha Irby: This chapter deepens Irby's self-portrait as someone who is acutely aware of her own flaws and limitations. She is candid about her health issues, her lack of discipline, and her quietly hostile personality. Her decision to adopt a dog rather than have a child is framed as a pragmatic choice, but it also reveals her anxieties about responsibility and judgment. Through Abe, she experiences the frustrations of parenting—worrying about his behavior, feeling embarrassed in public, and dealing with the constant demands—without the legal and emotional weight of a human child. Her initial reluctance and eventual grudging acceptance of Abe show a growth in her willingness to care for another being, even if she does so with sarcasm and complaint.
Kirsten: Though less central, Kirsten is portrayed as the more enthusiastic and optimistic partner. She is the one who spots the dog listings, insists on adopting Abe, and tries to comfort him. Her patience contrasts with Irby's skepticism, and she serves as the voice of reason when Irby wants to give up.
Abraham (Abe): Abe is a fully realized character in his own right, with a long list of misdeeds that make him both endearing and infuriating. He is stubborn, loud, and unmanageable, but he also wins over the daycare staff and becomes a source of pride for Irby when he is allowed to return. His behavior mirrors Irby's own self-described flaws, making him a kind of surrogate child who reflects her anxieties back at her.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
Childlessness and the Dog as Surrogate Child: The central theme is Irby's decision to remain childless and her substitution of a dog for a child. The dog, Abe, becomes a stand-in for the child she never wanted, allowing her to experience the frustrations and responsibilities of parenting without the lifelong commitment. The chapter's title, “My Firstborn Dog,” underscores this substitution.
Inherited Flaws: Irby repeatedly notes that her hypothetical child would inherit her own negative traits—bad teeth, illiteracy, a quietly hostile personality—just as she inherited them from her mother. This motif of inherited flaws extends to Abe, whose behavior seems to mirror Irby's own stubbornness and lack of discipline.
Pandemic Pet Adoption: The chapter is set during the pandemic, when many people adopted pets to cope with isolation. Irby and Kirsten's decision is framed as a way to inject novelty into their relationship and to have something to talk about, highlighting the pandemic's impact on domestic life.
Ideal vs. Reality of Pet Ownership: Irby fantasizes about a small, cuddly dog that will sit in her cupholder and adore her, but she ends up with a chaotic, barking, destructive animal. This contrast between expectation and reality is a recurring motif, and it parallels her earlier fantasies about a child versus the reality she imagines.
Daycare as School Metaphor: The daycare experience is described in terms of school—report cards, pickup lines, teachers, and other parents. This metaphor reinforces the idea that Abe is a surrogate child and that Irby is a reluctant parent navigating the anxieties of having a “bad kid.”
Middle-Age Introspection: The chapter is rooted in Irby's reflections on her life as she approaches middle age. The man's question forces her to confront her choices, and her answer—that she has a dog—is both a rejection of conventional expectations and an acceptance of her own path.
Burden of Responsibility: Irby is acutely aware of the burden of caring for another being, whether human or animal. Her list of Abe's misdeeds and her anxiety about his behavior at daycare highlight her fear of being judged as a failure.
Quietly Hostile Personality: The title of the book is echoed in Irby's description of herself as “quietly hostile.” This trait is both a reason she doesn't want children and a trait she sees in Abe, who is also hostile in his own way.
Why This Chapter Matters
This chapter is a pivotal exploration of Irby's identity and her relationship to motherhood. It directly addresses the question of why she chose not to have children, a topic that is often taboo, and does so with humor and brutal honesty. By adopting a dog, she is able to experience the anxieties of parenting—worrying about behavior, dealing with judgment, and feeling responsible for another creature—without the lifelong commitment. The chapter also reinforces the book's central theme of being “quietly hostile,” as Irby's internal frustrations and external politeness are mirrored in her interactions with Abe and the world. It is a standout chapter that combines personal reflection with comedic storytelling, making it a key piece of the memoir's narrative arc.
Study Questions and Answers
1. Why does Irby decide to adopt a dog during the pandemic, and how does this decision reflect her feelings about having children?
Irby decides to adopt a dog because she and Kirsten are stuck at home and have run out of things to talk about. She sees the dog as a way to inject novelty into their relationship and to have a shared topic of conversation. This decision reflects her feelings about children because she is not interested in the lifelong responsibility of raising a human child, but she is willing to take on a pet, which she can manage (or at least attempt to manage) on her own terms. The dog becomes a surrogate child, allowing her to experience the frustrations of parenting without the legal and emotional weight of a human child.
2. How does Irby's description of her hypothetical child reveal her own self-perception?
Irby describes her hypothetical child as fat, sickly, illiterate, undisciplined, with bad teeth, and quietly hostile. These are all traits she attributes to herself and her mother. By imagining a child that is essentially a mirror of herself, she reveals her deep-seated belief that she is flawed and that she would pass those flaws on to any offspring. This self-perception is also why she is reluctant to have a child—she fears she would be a neglectful and resentful parent, just as she imagines her own mother was.
3. What role does the daycare play in the chapter, and how does it reinforce the theme of parenting anxieties?
The daycare serves as a metaphor for school, with report cards, pickup lines, and teachers. Irby's anxiety about Abe's behavior at daycare mirrors the anxiety a parent might feel about a child's behavior at school. She worries that Abe will embarrass her, and she interprets the teacher's euphemistic comments as confirmation of his bad behavior. The daycare experience reinforces the theme of parenting anxieties by showing how Irby projects her own fears of judgment and failure onto her dog, just as she would onto a child.