Characters Phoebe Berman's Gonna Lose It Brooke Averick

Phoebe Berman: A Hopeless Romantic’s Battle with Intimacy Anxiety

Overview

Phoebe Berman is the protagonist of Brooke Averick’s contemporary romance Phoebe Berman’s Gonna Lose It. A twenty-nine-year-old pre‑K teacher and self‑described hopeless romantic, Phoebe has spent nearly two decades living with crippling intimacy anxiety—a condition that triggers panic attacks at the slightest physical or emotional closeness. The novel follows her determined, often chaotic quest to lose her virginity before turning thirty, a goal sparked by a letter she wrote to herself at eighteen. Though the story is framed as a romance, Phoebe’s arc is less about finding a partner than about learning to accept her own anxious brain. Her journey weaves through friendship, family pressure, workplace flirtations, and a growing awareness that genuine connection requires vulnerability—not a laminated checklist.

Plot Role

Phoebe is the story’s narrator and central consciousness. Every major event passes through her perspective, from the prologue’s traumatic auditorium incident with Lucas Johnson to the epilogue’s quiet loss of virginity in her childhood bedroom. She drives the external plot by creating “Phoebe’s Guide to Losing Her Virginity in Thirty Days,” a checklist that she and her friends develop during a bar conversation. This list structures her actions throughout the novel: flirt with a coworker, go on a dating‑app date, get drunk and make out with a stranger, and so on. However, the narrative repeatedly subverts the checklist’s goal-oriented logic. Phoebe’s real growth occurs not when she ticks off items but when she confronts her deeper fears—facing her sister’s wedding, standing up to Aunt Carol, reconciling with her best friend Jonathan after his coming‑out, and finally telling Matthew the truth about her anxiety. By the end, she becomes someone who chooses vulnerability over control, redefining what “losing it” truly means.

Motivations and Traits Shown Through Actions

Phoebe is driven by a profound fear of being “broken” and a simultaneous longing for the extraordinary love story she was predicted to have (her high‑school yearbook labeled her “Most Likely to Experience an Extraordinary Love Story”). She is deeply organized and list‑oriented—a trait she turns to for comfort in nearly every crisis. Her habit of making lists (accomplishments, tasks, potential partners) reflects her need for order in an area of life that feels utterly chaotic. She is also fiercely loyal to her friends, especially Jonathan, Nora, Meg, and Alex, and she shows genuine warmth as a teacher. Yet her actions reveal a pattern of avoidance: she bails on dates, flee’s intimate situations, and deflects with humor or fussy planning. For example, when a cute dog owner appears, she freezes while Nora jumps in. When her therapist Sandy suggests slowing down, Phoebe defensively double‑downs on her timeline. Her panic attacks—first at age twelve, later during the wedding weekend—are visceral evidence of her struggle. But she also acts courageously: she admits her virginity to her father, apologizes to Jonathan after their fight, and eventually confesses everything to Matthew. These moments show that beneath her anxiety lies a resilient, loving person who refuses to give up.

Chronological Arc

Phoebe’s arc follows the thirty‑day countdown to her thirtieth birthday. The prologue establishes the origin of her trauma: a panic‑induced vomiting episode during a school assembly when Lucas Johnson touched her. Seventeen years later, she receives the eighteen‑year‑old letter, which triggers her resolution. Over the next several chapters, she creates the checklist, meets Finn (the new fourth‑grade teacher), and tries to flirt while navigating her mother’s pressure about her sister Jamie’s wedding. At the wedding in New York, she confronts multiple sources of tension: the discovery that the wedding photographer is Matthew, the man she’d been texting and lying to; a drunken confession in a closet; and a vulnerable talk with her father that normalizes her fears. Back in Los Angeles, her friendship with Jonathan unravels when she discovers his green T‑shirt under Finn’s bed, leading to a massive fight and eventual reconciliation when Jonathan comes out as gay. This breakthrough mirrors Phoebe’s own: she calls Matthew, tells him everything, and they start dating properly. The novel ends with a surprise birthday party, her boyfriend’s handmade crossword, and the epilogue’s depiction of losing her virginity—not as a climactic event, but as one more step in a continuing journey of self‑acceptance. The final note shows Phoebe researching relationship OCD with her therapist, realizing that “everyone has virginities to lose” of their own.

Relationships

  • Jonathan: Her roommate and closest confidant. Their relationship is the emotional spine of the book. He helps her through panic attacks, vetoes dangerous checklist items, and secretly loves her—a truth that devastates Phoebe when she discovers his T‑shirt under Finn’s bed. His coming out as gay frees both of them. The novel’s most wrenching moment is their fight in Chapter 15, where Jonathan accuses her of being obsessed with dating; later, his bravery inspires her to be honest with Matthew.

  • Matthew Baxter: The man she matched with on Hinge but stood up. He becomes her texting buddy, sending Wordle scores and an octopus video that inspires her tattoo. Their relationship develops slowly, punctuated by misunderstandings and missed timing. His refusal to kiss her when she’s drunk (at the wedding) proves his integrity. By the end, he is her boyfriend, and their intimacy grows at a pace Phoebe can handle.

  • Finn: The charming fourth‑grade teacher at her school. Phoebe fixates on him as the “one” she wants to lose her virginity to, but their connection remains superficial. Finn’s accidental involvement with Jonathan (they had a brief thing) ultimately fizzles. He represents a fantasy version of romance that Phoebe must outgrow.

  • Nora, Meg, Alex: Her loyal friend group. Nora is the bold, sexually open friend Phoebe both envies and clashes with; their argument in Chapter 8 reveals that both feel lost in different ways. Meg provides comic relief, while Alex is a steady, supportive presence. The group chat in Chapter 27 underscores their love and investment in Phoebe’s happiness.

  • Sandy: Her therapist. Sandy pushes Phoebe to acknowledge her accomplishments and challenges her timeline‑driven approach. She is a voice of reason, but Phoebe often resists her advice until the very end.

  • Family: Her sister Jamie’s wedding forces Phoebe to confront envy and parental pressure. Her mother’s concern manifests as nagging, but the scene where Phoebe admits being sad (“I might be a little sad”) shows a tender moment. Her father’s story about his own pre‑date anxiety in Chapter 14 normalizes her experience.

Key Decisions and Consequences

  1. Creating the checklist (Chapter 3): Empowers Phoebe to take action but also increases pressure. Consequences include heightened anxiety and near‑disasters (the bad weed experience with Teacher Rob’s friend).

  2. Lying to Matthew about her LA trip: When she cancels their date plans and then accidentally encounters him as the wedding photographer, the lie damages trust. She must later confess everything to repair it.

  3. Standing up to Aunt Carol (Chapter 12): By firmly stating her anxiety explains her dating history, not her sexuality, she earns a sense of accomplishment and adds a twentieth item to her list.

  4. Going home instead of chasing Finn at the Fall Ball: Her inability to say no to Teacher Rob costs her an opportunity but also reveals that Finn may not have been the right path.

  5. Confronting Jonathan after finding the T‑shirt: Instead of letting resentment fester, she drives to his office, leading to his coming out and a mutual epiphany about self‑acceptance.

  6. Calling Matthew after the wedding: She chooses vulnerability over avoidance, paving the way for a real relationship.

Theme and Symbol Connections

The novel’s central theme is intimacy anxiety—the conflict between desperate desire for connection and paralyzing fear. Phoebe’s checklist symbolizes the need for control; its eventual abandonment in Chapter 21 (she throws it away) marks a turning point. The octopus tattoo (from Matthew’s video) represents the possibility of doing hard things, while the crossword puzzles they complete together symbolize partnership and shared patience. Jonathan’s closet (both physical and metaphorical) parallels Phoebe’s own hidden fears. The yearbook superlative (“extraordinary love story”) hangs over her as both aspiration and burden. Ultimately, the novel argues that love stories don’t have to follow a conventional, “spicy” script; they can be messy, honest, and anxiety‑ridden. The author’s note makes explicit that this is a non‑traditional romance prioritizing authenticity. The epilogue’s message—that everyone has “virginities to lose”—broadens the theme to encompass any first step into the unknown.

For deeper exploration, see the themes page and the ending explained.

5 Book‑Specific Questions and Answers

1. Why does Phoebe’s first kiss with Lucas Johnson cause her lifelong intimacy anxiety?
The prologue shows that at twelve, the pressure of a “perfect” first kiss combined with sudden physical touch triggered a severe panic attack. She vomited on him, which became a traumatic memory that she associates with losing control in front of someone she likes. This incident sets the pattern: her body physically rejects intimacy before her mind can manage it.

2. What is the significance of the list in Phoebe’s journey?
The list serves as a desperate attempt to impose order on chaos. It gives her a sequence of concrete tasks, but it also amplifies pressure. Her therapist Sandy warns against deadlines, and Phoebe eventually discards the list in Chapter 21. The act of abandoning it is more transformative than completing it.

3. How does Jonathan’s coming out affect Phoebe’s arc?
Jonathan’s revelation that he is gay—and that he was secretly using a dating app—parallels Phoebe’s own secrecy about her virginity. His bravery inspires her to stop lying to Matthew. It also resolves the romantic tension between them, allowing their friendship to deepen without unspoken expectations.

4. Why does Phoebe choose Matthew over Finn at the end?
Finn represents a fantasy: he’s attractive, convenient (coworker), and seems like the obvious checklist candidate. But their connection lacks substance. Matthew, by contrast, knows the real Phoebe—he’s seen her at her worst (drunk, stressed, lying) and still chooses her. He listens, doesn’t pressure her, and is willing to move slowly.

5. What does the epilogue reveal about Phoebe’s growth?
The epilogue shows that losing her virginity is anticlimactic; it happens when she’s ready, not when the countdown expires. More importantly, she begins researching relationship OCD and accepts that her brain works differently. She crafts a guide for managing her own OCD, embracing the idea that everyone has “virginities to lose”—their own fears to conquer. True growth is self‑acceptance, not a goal crossed off a list.

For more discussion, see the questions and answers page.