Chapter summaries Not in Love Ali Hazelwood

Not in Love Chapter 20: Big Fucking Deal – Summary & Analysis

Spoiler Notice
This section contains detailed plot points from Chapter 20 of Not in Love. If you haven't read the chapter yet, proceed with caution.

Summary

Chapter 20 opens with Eli’s internal confession: he is enthralled, obsessed, and in love—not with Rue as a person (he still resists that label), but with her body and presence. He cannot stop thinking about her. They are together in the shower after spending the night. Eli revels in the sight of Rue’s body, a former athlete’s body like his own, and bathes her, touching every inch. Rue lets him take control, and he brings her to orgasm with his fingers. Afterward, Rue returns the favor, stroking him slowly and deliberately until he begs for release. When he finally comes, the pleasure is overwhelming—a religious experience.

After they finish, Eli tells Rue that they need to stop lying to themselves about whether this will happen again. He insists that they go to sleep together and repeat the intimacy when they wake up. He demands that she promise him it is not the last time. After a pause, Rue says, “I don’t want this to be the last time.” Eli carries her to bed, relieved and committed.

Key Events

  • Eli admits to himself that he is “enthralled, obsessed, in love” with Rue’s body and presence.
  • They shower together; Eli bathes Rue, and she lets him touch her everywhere.
  • Eli brings Rue to orgasm manually in the shower.
  • Rue then strokes Eli slowly, making him beg for release before he climaxes powerfully.
  • After both orgasms, Eli proposes that they stop pretending this is casual or temporary.
  • Rue hesitates but agrees, speaking the words: “I don’t want this to be the last time.”
  • Eli towels her off and carries her to bed for more intimacy later.

Character Development

Eli
This chapter marks a turning point for Eli. He moves from denial to an open acknowledgment of his obsession. He tries to downplay his feelings (“Big fucking deal”), but the sour taste of lying to himself contradicts that. He takes charge of the situation by demanding a promise from Rue, showing a new vulnerability and willingness to risk rejection. His physical and emotional surrender—begging, admitting he wants more—is significant growth from earlier chapters where he maintained distance.

Rue
While Rue speaks very little, her actions speak volumes. She allows Eli to wash her, surrenders control in the shower, and returns his touch with deliberate slowness. Her hesitation before promising it’s not the last time shows her internal conflict, but her eventual agreement demonstrates trust and a reciprocal desire for connection. She is no longer purely using the physical arrangement as an escape.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Vulnerability and Surrender
The shower setting strips away not just clothes but emotional armor. Eli bathes Rue, a deeply intimate act that goes beyond sex. Rue’s willingness to let him wash her and her slow touches afterward show mutual surrender. Eli’s begging—“Please”—is a raw moment of vulnerability.

Self-Deception versus Truth
The title “Big Fucking Deal” echoes Eli’s internal attempt to minimize his feelings. He tells himself that he just likes her body, but the narrative reveals the lie. The chapter forces him to stop bullshitting himself and Rue, a key thematic shift toward honesty.

Touch as Communication
Throughout the chapter, the characters’ bodies speak louder than words. Rue’s slow strokes communicate her desire to prolong the moment; Eli’s hands on her convey adoration. The physical intimacy becomes a language for emotions they are not yet ready to voice.

Water as Cleansing and Renewal
The shower water symbolizes a fresh start. After the sexual release and verbal agreement, they emerge clean and ready to face a new phase of their relationship.

Why This Chapter Matters

Chapter 20 is the emotional and physical climax of Eli and Rue’s relationship arc up to this point. It is the moment Eli stops lying to himself and takes the risk of asking for commitment—even if only the commitment of one more night. Rue’s verbal agreement marks a shift from casual hookups to something sustained and acknowledged. This chapter sets the stage for the deepening of their bond in the final act of the novel. It also reveals that Eli is far more invested than he has previously admitted, raising the stakes for the conflicts to come.

Study Questions and Answers

  1. How does Eli’s internal monologue reveal his true feelings despite his attempts to downplay them?
    Eli thinks “Big fucking deal” after a spectacular orgasm, trying to convince himself that Rue is just attractive and good in bed. However, the narrative immediately undercuts this with “the same taste he experienced when lying to himself.” The sour taste and the confession that he feels like smiling whenever she is around show that his love runs deeper than physical attraction.

  2. What does the shower scene symbolize beyond physical intimacy?
    The shower is a space where both characters are defenseless—naked, wet, and open. Eli washing Rue is an act of caregiving, not just sex. It represents a willingness to nurture and be vulnerable. The water also symbolizes a cleansing of past pretenses, allowing them to emerge into a new, more honest phase of their relationship.

  3. Why does Eli insist that Rue say the words “I don’t want this to be the last time”?
    Eli needs a verbal commitment because he has been deceiving himself and Rue about the nature of their encounters. Hearing Rue say it aloud makes the promise real and gives him confidence that she is equally invested. It transforms the arrangement from something unspoken and temporary into a mutual, acknowledged choice to continue.

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