Chapter summaries My Darling Dreadful Thing Johanna van Veen

Chapter 15 Summary, Analysis, and Study Notes

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

One night, after Mrs. van Leeuwen and Willemijn have retired, Agnes leads the narrator into a large room that is normally kept locked. The room once hosted parties; now its furniture is pushed to the walls and draped in white sheets. The narrator admits she has been afraid of this room, not because of ghosts but because of the possibility of hidden dangers — men like Mr. Mesman could be lurking under the sheets. When Agnes pulls a sheet away, it reveals only a table with a record player, and the narrator laughs at her own fear while also hating herself for being so easily frightened.

Agnes selects a waltz record and takes the narrator in her arms to teach her the steps. The narrator recalls that Mr. Mesman once tried to teach her to dance at one of Mama's New Year's Eve parties, but she was too frightened of him to concentrate. With Agnes, the experience is different. They dance for over an hour, laughing at their missteps, and eventually stand gently swaying together. The narrator feels safe and loved, with Peter searching for dead bugs under a sofa and Ruth clinging to the ceiling like a spider.

Agnes asks what the narrator is thinking about, and the narrator mentions a prehistoric custom of keeping dead relatives in the rafters of houses as guardian angels — bodies folded and smoked until dry so they would keep for decades. Agnes is disturbed by the idea and imagines terrible scenarios: a widower's first wife watching from the rafters, judging the new wife's cooking and parenting. The narrator suggests the children might find it comforting, but Agnes counters that haunting is rarely seen as positive and that never being free of someone is not always a comfort. The narrator privately imagines Mama clinging to the ceiling, judging her, and thinks she would rather tuck her under the floorboards.

Agnes continues to raise practical objections — crowding, the need to store the dead properly, the difficulty of deciding who stays and who goes. As if the conversation reminds her of losing the narrator, she pulls her closer. The narrator then speculates that perhaps the dead were not meant to watch over the living but the living over the dead, and that death might once have been seen as a transformation rather than an unbearable ending. She suggests that if people still lived that way, Thomas could still be present, watching Agnes.

Agnes shudders and steps out of the embrace, asking the narrator not to speak of Thomas. When the narrator presses, asking whether Agnes loved him that much, Agnes replies that she was his creature utterly and completely, and sometimes thinks she still is. She bites her lips so hard that spots of blood well up. She says it is late, asks the narrator to turn off the record player, and flees upstairs without looking at her or touching her.

Alone, the narrator feels self-hatred and wants to harm herself by flaying the web of skin between her thumb and index finger. Ruth scuttles down the wall and takes her hand, dissuading her. The narrator acknowledges that hurting herself does more harm than good and that she should not have mentioned Thomas, but speaking of him has become a compulsion. She explains that she needs to know how much Agnes loved Thomas because once she reburies his remains, there can be no going back.


Key Events

  • Agnes teaches the narrator to waltz in a large, usually locked room, and they dance together for over an hour.

  • The narrator recalls Mr. Mesman's earlier attempt to teach her to dance, which she could not endure because of fear.

  • The narrator raises the prehistoric custom of keeping dead relatives in rafters as guardian angels, prompting a philosophical conversation about haunting, grief, and the dead.

  • Agnes reveals she cannot yet talk about Thomas and describes herself as his creature, utterly and completely.

  • Agnes bites her lips until they bleed and leaves abruptly.

  • The narrator nearly harms herself but is stopped by Ruth.

  • The narrator reveals that mentioning Thomas is a compulsion tied to her plan to rebury his remains.


Character Development

The narrator shows a deepening conflict between her growing intimacy with Agnes and her private mission regarding Thomas. Her fear of the locked room and her self-hatred at being frightened reveal how easily she reverts to the vulnerable child she once was. Her compulsion to speak of Thomas — even when she knows it hurts Agnes — demonstrates that her need for certainty outweighs her concern for the relationship. Her near self-harm and Ruth's intervention show both her fragility and her reliance on Ruth as a stabilizing presence.

Agnes is revealed to be still deeply bound to Thomas. Her refusal to discuss him, her physical reaction (biting her lips until blood wells), and her confession that she was his creature suggest that her grief is not resolved but suppressed. Her discomfort with the idea of the dead as guardians also hints at her ambivalence about being watched or possessed by the past.

Ruth acts as a protector, physically intervening to stop the narrator from harming herself. Her cold hand is contrasted with Agnes's feverish warmth, yet the narrator notes that the body is easily tricked — suggesting Ruth's comfort is a substitute, not a replacement.


Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Dance as intimacy: The waltz becomes a physical expression of trust and closeness. The narrator's earlier failure to dance with Mr. Mesman — because she was frozen with fear — contrasts sharply with the ease she feels with Agnes, underscoring how safety enables connection.

Haunting as comfort vs. burden: The conversation about prehistoric guardian angels frames haunting as potentially comforting (the dead watching over the living) or oppressive (never being free of someone). Agnes's objections reflect her own experience of being haunted by Thomas's memory.

Death as transformation: The narrator's speculation that death was once seen as a transformation rather than an ending offers an alternative to the unbearable finality of loss — and implicitly, a hope that Thomas might still be present.

Compulsion and self-harm: The narrator's urge to hurt herself and her description of mentioning Thomas as a compulsion reveal how grief and guilt manifest as self-destructive patterns.

Possession in love: Agnes's confession that she was Thomas's creature — and sometimes thinks she still is — frames her love as a form of possession, blurring the line between devotion and loss of self.


Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter deepens the emotional stakes of the novel by bringing the narrator and Agnes closer while simultaneously exposing the obstacle between them: Thomas. The dance scene establishes a rare moment of safety and joy, making Agnes's abrupt withdrawal all the more painful. The narrator's revelation that she plans to rebury Thomas's remains — and that she needs to know how much Agnes loved him first — reframes her earlier actions as part of a deliberate, irreversible plan. The chapter also develops Ruth's role as a protector and highlights the narrator's ongoing struggle with self-harm, adding psychological depth to her character.


Study Questions and Answers

1. Why does the narrator bring up the prehistoric custom of keeping dead relatives in the rafters, and what does it reveal about her state of mind?

The narrator introduces the custom during an intimate moment with Agnes, seemingly as a way to explore the idea of the dead remaining present. Her speculation that the dead might need watching over rather than watching the living suggests she is thinking about Thomas — and about her own role in tending to his remains. The conversation reveals her desire for death to be a transformation rather than an ending, and her compulsion to speak of Thomas indicates that she cannot separate her growing feelings for Agnes from her unresolved mission regarding Thomas.

2. How does Agnes's reaction to the mention of Thomas characterize her grief?

Agnes's reaction — shuddering, stepping away, refusing to discuss him, and biting her lips until they bleed — shows that her grief is raw and unprocessed. Her confession that she was Thomas's creature, and sometimes thinks she still is, suggests that her love for him was consuming and that she has not fully reclaimed her sense of self. Her inability to talk about him indicates avoidance rather than resolution, and her physical self-harm mirrors the narrator's own self-destructive tendencies, creating a parallel between the two women.

3. What role does Ruth play in this chapter, and how does her presence affect the narrator?

Ruth serves as a protector and a voice of reason. When the narrator wants to harm herself, Ruth physically intervenes, taking her hand and arguing that self-harm only feels good for a little while. The narrator acknowledges Ruth is right, but her compulsion remains. Ruth's cold hand is contrasted with Agnes's warmth, and the narrator notes that the body is easily tricked — suggesting that Ruth's comfort is a pale substitute for Agnes's affection, yet still enough to prevent the narrator from hurting herself.


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