Chapter 10: Saying Yes More — and Knowing When No Is the Right Call

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Chapter 10 opens with Jen Mann observing a cultural shift among women: after years of “leaning in” and saying yes to every opportunity, many women now treat saying no as a form of self-care. She acknowledges the pressures that drive this—full-time jobs, domestic responsibilities, and the exhaustion of constant availability—but she also warns that an automatic no can close the door on meaningful people and experiences.

Jen then traces her own history with the word “yes.” During her real estate career, her mentor advised her to join every club, attend every party, and volunteer everywhere to network. She followed that advice blindly, joining the HOA board, leading the PTA, and attending countless home-party events. She was miserable because she said yes to things that did not interest her, simply because they were “good for business.” Her mentor, a sixty-year-old man, enjoyed baseball and theater, but Jen had no such passions, so she ended up overwhelmed and unfulfilled.

When she quit real estate to write full time, she swung to the opposite extreme. She stopped saying yes to everything, left all her networking groups, and declined every social invitation. For a few years she felt liberated, staying home in her pajamas and connecting with friends only through social media. She believed she had the best of both worlds—being part of people’s lives without leaving her house.

That illusion shattered when she saw a Facebook photo of two close friends, Hannah and Page, celebrating Hannah’s birthday. Jen had not been invited, and she noticed a third woman, Polly, in the photo—someone she did not recognize. She realized she had not been in Page’s home in nearly two years, and neither friend had visited her. She remembered a grocery store encounter with Page where they said they should get together, but neither made a plan. The photo hurt, and she initially blamed her friends, but then she admitted the fault was hers. She had pulled away from them, partly because they did not understand her writing career and dismissed it as a hobby. She stopped calling, and they stopped calling her.

Jen’s life deteriorated. She gained weight, felt physically and mentally unwell, went days without talking to anyone outside her immediate family, and became lonely and depressed. She realized she had become the “Queen of No” and needed to change. She decided to become the “Queen of Maybe”—keeping an open mind and deciding what was worth her time, rather than reflexively declining.

She made a deal with herself to say yes to everything she could for a month. Soon after, author Denise Grover Swank reached out to ask if Jen wanted to co-host a podcast. Jen said yes, and they started “Two Midlife Mommas.” On one of their early episodes, Jen suggested they see a movie together, and they did. After the movie, Jen considered inviting Denise to run errands with her at Trader Joe’s but overthought it and didn’t ask. Later, she joked about it online, and Denise said she would have loved that.

Over the next year, Jen said yes to a flapper-themed fundraiser, a girls’ trip to Las Vegas, dozens of coffee dates and lunches, game nights, pool parties, a socially distanced family vacation during the pandemic, and even adopting a dog. She still says no to Meatloaf Mondays with her mother-in-law and to running clubs. She concludes that saying yes brought her new friends, richer experiences, and a fuller life, and she encourages readers to try saying yes for a month.

Key Events

Jen describes the cultural trend of saying no as self-care, a backlash to earlier “leaning in.”
She recalls her real estate days, where she said yes to every networking opportunity per her mentor’s advice, leading to misery.
After quitting real estate to write, she stops saying yes, withdraws from friends and groups, and relies on social media for connection.
She sees a Facebook photo of Hannah and Page celebrating a birthday with a new friend, Polly, and realizes she has been left out.
She reflects on her failed attempts to maintain friendships, including a grocery store encounter with Page where no plan was made.
She admits her life deteriorated—weight gain, loneliness, depression—and decides to change.
She agrees to co-host a podcast with Denise Grover Swank, starting “Two Midlife Mommas.”
She goes on a movie date with Denise and later regrets not inviting her to Trader Joe’s, but Denise later says yes.
Over the next year, she says yes to a flapper fundraiser, a Vegas trip, coffee dates, game nights, pool parties, a family vacation, and adopting a dog.
She still says no to Meatloaf Mondays and running clubs, and she ends with a tip to try saying yes for a month.

Character Development

Jen Mann undergoes a clear arc in this chapter. She starts as the “Queen of Yes” in her real estate days, saying yes to everything out of obligation rather than genuine interest. That leads to burnout and misery. She then becomes the “Queen of No,” withdrawing from all social commitments, including friendships, in the name of self-preservation. This extreme also fails, leaving her isolated and depressed. Her transformation to the “Queen of Maybe” represents a middle path: she learns to say yes to things that interest her, while still maintaining boundaries for things like Meatloaf Mondays and running clubs. She also grows in self-awareness, recognizing that her fear of new experiences and her overthinking held her back, as seen when she hesitated to invite Denise to Trader Joe’s.

The other characters are less developed but serve as catalysts. Hannah and Page represent the friends Jen lost through neglect; their photo forces her to confront her isolation. Polly is a symbol of the new friend who took Jen’s place. Denise Grover Swank is a real-life example of how saying yes can lead to new friendships and opportunities, as she becomes Jen’s podcast co-host and friend.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Saying Yes vs. No: The central theme is the balance between openness and boundaries. Jen argues that reflexive no’s can be as harmful as reflexive yes’s, and that a thoughtful “maybe” allows for growth.
Self-Care and Boundaries: The chapter critiques the idea that saying no to everything is self-care. Jen suggests that true self-care involves engaging with life, not hiding from it.
Friendship Maintenance: Jen emphasizes that friendships require work and intentionality. Her failure to maintain contact with Hannah and Page illustrates the cost of neglect.
Social Media vs. Real-Life Connection: Jen initially believes social media keeps her connected, but the Facebook photo reveals its limits. Real connection requires physical presence and effort.
Fear of New Experiences: Jen identifies fear as a major obstacle, whether it’s fear of being judged or fear of the unknown. Her hesitation with Denise shows how fear can sabotage opportunities.
The Power of No: While Jen criticizes overusing “no,” she also acknowledges its power when used appropriately, such as declining Meatloaf Mondays.
The Queen of Maybe: This is a motif representing a balanced approach—keeping an open mind while still making conscious choices.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter is a pivotal turning point in Midlife Bites. It moves from Jen’s personal struggles to a practical, actionable philosophy for midlife women. It challenges the popular narrative that saying no is always empowering, offering a nuanced view that over-isolation can be just as damaging as overcommitment. The chapter also resonates because it addresses common midlife issues: loneliness, friendship loss, and the difficulty of stepping out of one’s comfort zone. Jen’s vulnerability about her own depression and weight gain makes her advice feel authentic rather than preachy. The “say yes for a month” challenge is a concrete takeaway that readers can apply immediately, making the chapter both inspirational and practical.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Jen’s experience as a real estate agent shape her initial attitude toward saying yes?

Jen’s mentor told her to say yes to every networking opportunity, so she joined clubs, volunteered, and attended parties she didn’t enjoy. She did this to gain clients, but it made her miserable because she wasn’t doing things that genuinely interested her. This experience taught her that saying yes without discernment leads to burnout, but it also set up her later overcorrection into saying no to everything.

2. What role does the Facebook photo play in Jen’s realization?

The photo of Hannah and Page celebrating with Polly forces Jen to see that she has drifted away from her friends. She realizes she wasn’t invited because she had stopped maintaining those relationships. The photo is a wake-up call that social media connection is not a substitute for real-life friendship, and it prompts her to change her behavior.

3. Why does Jen call herself the “Queen of Maybe” instead of the “Queen of Yes”?

Jen uses “Queen of Maybe” to describe a balanced approach. She doesn’t want to return to saying yes to everything, which led to burnout, nor does she want to say no to everything, which led to isolation. “Maybe” means keeping an open mind and evaluating each opportunity based on whether it’s worth her time and energy, rather than reacting automatically.