Chapter 21 Summary: Lily 10

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

– Lily 10

– August 7, 2018

– Four Months Before the Murder

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– This chapter contains explicit depictions of child abuse, bullying, and gender-based violence. It also reveals key backstory about Lily’s childhood and her relationship with her parents. If you have not read the chapter, proceed with caution.

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– ## Summary

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– The chapter opens with Lily and her mother, Ava, arriving at their new rented house in Adams, New Hampshire, just under twenty-four hours after a long cross-country drive from California. They had spent the journey camping in fields, staying in motels, and sharing moments of closeness, with their dog Boris curled between them. The night before, they slept on the living room floor, drinking chardonnage from plastic cups, and Lily felt a sense of hope: “This is my new home. Here’s where I can start my life at last.”

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– The next morning, the moving van arrives, and a mover named Hurley greets Lily with a patronizing “Well, hello, sweetheart.” As they unpack, Ava opens a box of framed photos and art, and Lily discovers an old photo album she has never seen. Inside are pictures of her as a seven-year-old boy, including one of her holding a baseball bat—the same photo her father kept in his office. The album triggers a flashback that occupies most of the chapter.

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– In the flashback, Lily recalls her childhood in Seattle. Her mother allowed her to be feminine at home—she had a princess costume, hot rollers, and pink tights. One day, she swept into the living room wearing fairy wings and announced she was “queen of the fairies.” Her father, drinking a PBR, responded with disgust: “Jesus fucking Christ.” This incident, Lily believes, was the beginning of her parents’ fights about her gender identity. Her mother argued, “We have to let him be himself,” while her father insisted, “We can’t let him get crushed by the world.”

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– By fall 2011, her parents reached what her father called a “compromise” and her mother later called her “surrender”: they sent Lily, then known as Liam, to Pacific Day, an all-boys private school. Lily begged not to go, but her father insisted it would “teach you how to be a man.” She tried to suppress her true self, hoping she could learn to be a boy the way she had learned the cello. But on the first day, she was attacked by two eighth graders who tied her hands and paraded her through the school, shouting a slur. The bullying continued daily, and the teachers treated her as a joke. The headmaster, Mr. Parsons, warned her to “get with the program.”

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– One day, after Lily painted her nails salmon pink, she was suspended. Mr. Parsons called her father to pick her up, and when her father arrived, he saw Lily with a black eye and a contusion from being dragged on the asphalt. Instead of punishing the bullies, the school punished Lily. In the car, her father demanded an explanation. Lily said she was “going to be free.” Her father laughed and sarcastically suggested sending her to the Porter School, an all-girls school. Lily took him seriously, but he dismissed her.

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– Back home, her father forced her to remove the nail polish. Lily felt each swipe of acetone was “erasing a piece of myself.” She then looked in the mirror and had an internal dialogue with her reflection, which insisted she could not spend her life pretending. She used her mother’s makeup and clothes to transform herself, putting on a bra stuffed with socks and a blouse. She felt beautiful but also terrified. She went downstairs, where her father, seeing her, crushed his beer can and slapped her so hard she flew across the room and hit her head.

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– When she came to, she was tied to a kitchen chair with clothesline. Her father cut off her long hair with scissors, wiped off most of her makeup, and demanded she say her name was Liam. Lily refused, spitting in his face. He tipped the chair over, leaving her on the floor, and said, “I am not—a bad person,” before leaving. Hours later, her mother returned with Boris, untied her, and held her, repeating “My baby.”

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– The flashback ends with the present: seven years later, Lily is now a young woman named Lily, her mother is graying, and Boris is old. They drive around Adams, see the high school with its sign “Home of the Fighting Presidents,” and Lily feels a mix of nervousness and hope. She reflects on the long conversations she and her mother had during the drive about what it means to be a woman—whether it is biology, neurology, or spirit. Her mother suggested that for some people, being a woman might simply mean “not being a man,” and described the constant vigilance women must maintain. Lily rejects the idea of being a victim, declaring she will live with power, fierceness, and love. She thinks of the blue potato, the Venus flytrap, and the duck-billed platypus as examples of nature’s diversity, and wonders if there is room for her too. She tells her mother, “Don’t worry about me, Mom. I’m a survivor.”

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– ## Key Events

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– - Lily and Ava arrive at their new house in New Hampshire and unpack, discovering an old photo album that triggers a flashback.

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The flashback recounts Lily’s childhood: her father’s disgust at her feminine behavior, the decision to send her to an all-boys school, and the relentless bullying she endured there.

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Lily is suspended for painting her nails, and the school blames her rather than the boys who attacked her.

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After the suspension, her father forces her to remove the polish, and she has a mirror confrontation with her true self.

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Lily dresses in her mother’s clothes and makeup; her father reacts with violence, knocking her unconscious, tying her to a chair, cutting her hair, and demanding she say she is Liam.

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Lily refuses, spits at him, and he leaves. Her mother returns and unties her, offering comfort.

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In the present, Lily and her mother drive around Adams, see the high school, and Lily reflects on the meaning of womanhood and her determination to be a survivor.

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– ## Character Development

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– Lily emerges as a resilient and self-aware young woman. The chapter traces her journey from a child who tried to suppress her identity to a teenager who has embraced her womanhood. Her internal monologue shows a mature understanding of the complexity of gender, and she rejects the notion that she must justify her existence. Her declaration that she is a survivor is not bravado but a hard-won conviction born from trauma.

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– Ava is revealed to be both strong and fragile. She is described as a “badass” but also has “hidden broken places.” Her decision to keep the old photos shows her struggle to reconcile her past with her present. She admits she feels she has no history, and she wonders who she has become. Her role as a protector is evident in the flashback when she unties Lily and holds her, but she also carries guilt for having agreed to the “surrender” of sending Lily to the boys’ school.

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– Lily’s father is portrayed as a deeply flawed, abusive man. He claims his violence is out of love, but his actions—cutting her hair, tying her up, demanding she renounce her identity—are acts of erasure. His final line, “I am not—a bad person,” reveals his self-justification and refusal to see the harm he causes.

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– ## Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

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– - Gender identity and self-acceptance: The chapter explores the tension between external expectations and internal truth. Lily’s struggle to “learn” to be a boy contrasts with her innate sense of self.

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Parental abuse and control: The father’s violence is an attempt to force conformity, symbolizing the broader societal pressure to fit binary norms.

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Mother-daughter bond: Ava’s support, though imperfect, provides a counterpoint to the father’s rejection. Her eventual return and comfort highlight the importance of unconditional love.

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Memory and photographs: The photo album represents the past that cannot be erased. Lily’s reaction to it—initially shame, later acceptance—shows her growth.

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Mirror reflection: The mirror scene is a powerful symbol of self-confrontation. Lily’s reflection speaks to her, urging her not to pretend.

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Freedom vs. surrender: Lily’s declaration “I’m going to be free” contrasts with her mother’s “surrender” to her father’s compromise.

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Resilience and hope: The chapter ends with Lily’s determination to live with power and fierceness, and her belief that there is room for her in the world.

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– ## Why This Chapter Matters

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– This chapter is pivotal because it provides the emotional and psychological foundation for Lily’s character. It explains why she is so determined to live authentically and why she fears being a victim. It also establishes the strained relationship with her father, which will have repercussions later in the novel. The setting of Adams, New Hampshire, and the introduction of the high school set the stage for the events that follow, including the murder that is the central mystery of the book. Lily’s reflections on womanhood and survival foreshadow her actions and choices in the present timeline.

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– ## Study Questions and Answers

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– 1. Why does Lily’s father send her to an all-boys school, and what does this reveal about his character?

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He believes it will “teach him how to be a man” and protect Lily from the cruelty of the world. This reveals his fear of societal judgment and his belief that conformity is necessary for survival. His insistence on the school, despite Lily’s pleas, shows his prioritization of appearances over his child’s well-being.

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– 2. How does the mirror scene function symbolically in the chapter?

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The mirror represents Lily’s internal conflict between her true identity and the identity forced upon her. Her reflection speaks to her, urging her not to pretend, and she ultimately dresses as herself, leading to the violent confrontation with her father. The mirror is a site of self-recognition and defiance.

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– 3. What does Lily mean when she says she is “going to be free,” and how does this statement connect to her later resolution to be a survivor?

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“Going to be free” means living authentically as a woman, refusing to hide or suppress her identity. This statement is made in defiance of her father and the school. Later, her resolution to be a survivor builds on this: she will not be a victim, but will live with power and fierceness. The chapter shows that freedom requires courage and resilience, and Lily is determined to claim both.

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– ## Navigation

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