Lily's Journals to Ellen DeGeneres as a Symbol in It Ends with Us

What Are the Ellen Diaries?

Lily Bloom's "Ellen Diaries" are a collection of journals—eight or nine in total—that she kept from childhood through adolescence. Unlike a conventional diary, each entry is addressed as a personal letter to Ellen DeGeneres, the comedian and talk-show host whose program Lily began watching in 2003 when it first aired. Lily explains the concept directly: she "addressed each of my entries to Ellen DeGeneres" and "wrote them like one would write entries in a diary," though she never mailed a single one.

The journals occupy a specific physical space in Lily's life. After her father's funeral, she retrieves shoeboxes filled with childhood mementos from her mother's house. Among old letters and newspaper clippings sits a small wooden hollow heart—a gift from Atlas—and beneath it, the diaries she has not opened in years. She carries these boxes back to her Boston apartment, where the act of rereading them becomes a parallel narrative to her present-day struggles.

Where the Journals Appear in the Narrative

The Ellen Diaries appear at structurally significant moments across the novel, functioning as a bridge between Lily's past and present.

The Funeral and Unpacking (Chapter 2): Six months before the main timeline begins, Lily sits on her couch after her father's funeral and opens the shoeboxes. She deliberately seeks out a specific volume: "I sort through them until I grab the one from when I was fifteen years old. I flip it open, searching for the day I met Atlas." This entry introduces the reader to teenage Lily discovering a homeless boy named Atlas Corrigan living in the abandoned house behind her home.

The Sick Night and "Just Keep Swimming" (Chapter 11): Lily reads about the night Atlas fell severely ill and she cared for him, emptying his trash can, giving him medicine, and letting him sleep in her bed. They watched Finding Nemo together—a film in which Ellen DeGeneres voices Dory—and Atlas squeezed her hand when Dory delivered the line, "Just keep swimming." This phrase becomes their shared mantra and later appears as a message Atlas writes for Lily as an adult.

The Adult Journal Entry (Chapter 25): After Ryle physically harms her for the first time, Lily breaks years of silence and writes a new entry. She apologizes to Ellen for cutting her out: "When I thought of you, I thought of Atlas. And to be honest, I didn't want to think of Atlas, so I had to cut you out of my life, too." She then confesses, "I am in love with a man who physically hurts me." This entry marks the moment Lily begins to process her situation with the same honest voice she used as a teenager.

Atlas's Gift (Chapter 16): Atlas gives Lily a belated gift—an autographed copy of Ellen DeGeneres's book Seriously… I'm Kidding, inscribed: "Lily, Atlas says just keep swimming. —Ellen DeGeneres." The gift demonstrates that Atlas understands the private language Lily built around the diaries and the figure of Ellen.

The Final Entry (Chapter 17): Lily reads her last teenage journal entry, written on her sixteenth birthday when Atlas returned to see her. She then places the book Atlas gave her in the closet with all her journals, signaling a readiness to close certain chapters of her past.

How the Symbol's Meaning Evolves

The Ellen Diaries function as a layered symbol whose significance shifts as Lily matures and faces new challenges.

Childhood Sanctuary: For fifteen-year-old Lily, the diaries are a private space where she can speak without censorship. She cannot discuss her father's violence with friends like Katie, who mock Atlas for being poor, or with her mother, who denies the abuse. Ellen becomes the imaginary confidante who will not judge, interrupt, or require Lily to protect anyone's feelings. The format—letters never sent—allows complete honesty because there is no real recipient to disappoint or burden.

Conduit for First Love: As the entries continue, Ellen becomes the repository for Lily's feelings about Atlas. She chronicles their growing intimacy, from sharing Ellen's show after school to the night they watch Finding Nemo together. Because the diary entries are the primary vehicle through which the reader learns about Atlas, the journals become synonymous with Lily's memory of him. This is why, after Atlas leaves for the military and eventually Boston, Lily stops writing entirely: "When I thought of you, I thought of Atlas. And to be honest, I didn't want to think of Atlas, so I had to cut you out of my life, too."

Unprocessed Trauma: The journals contain more than Atlas. They document the nights Lily's father hit her mother, her feelings of rage and helplessness, and her confusion about why her mother stayed. When Lily rereads them after her father's funeral, she admits, "I swore I'd never read these again, but with the passing of my father, I've been thinking about my childhood a lot. Maybe if I read through these journals I'll somehow find a little strength for forgiveness. Although I fear I'm running the risk of building up even more resentment." The diaries hold the unprocessed emotions Lily has never fully confronted.

Return to the True Self: When Lily writes again as an adult after Ryle hurts her, the act is an attempt to reclaim the honest voice she had as a girl. Her adult entry reads like a confession: "Naked truth. Brace yourself. I am in love with a man who physically hurts me." She processes her emotions by comparing them to a death, acknowledging both grief and hatred, and recognizing the same "reasoning" that kept her mother trapped. The journal becomes a tool for self-interrogation, helping her see the cycle she has entered.

Integration and Closure: By the novel's end, Lily has placed Atlas's Ellen DeGeneres book in the closet with her journals—not hidden away in shame, but stored with her history. The diaries no longer need to be avoided; they are part of the story she has survived.

Character Connections

Lily Bloom: The journals are the truest record of who Lily is—a young woman who witnessed abuse, fell in love with a homeless boy, and carried both pain and hope into adulthood. Her decision to stop writing mirrors her decision to stop thinking about Atlas, while her return to writing signals her willingness to face hard truths about her marriage.

Atlas Corrigan: The diaries bind Atlas and Lily together. He appears in them from the moment she spots him sneaking out of the abandoned house. Their shared ritual of watching Ellen's show after school, and the Finding Nemo mantra that emerges from it, creates a private language between them. When Atlas gifts Lily the signed Ellen book years later, he demonstrates that he has never forgotten what the figure of Ellen meant to her.

Ryle Kincaid: The journals become a source of tension. Ryle does not know about them initially, and Lily's secrecy around her past with Atlas contributes to the escalation of his jealousy. After Ryle hurts her, Lily's journal entry reveals her internal conflict—she loves him and hates him simultaneously, and she recognizes the patterns of rationalization she observed in her mother.

Lily's Mother (Jenny Bloom): The journals indirectly illuminate Jenny's experience. Lily's entries describe her mother being hit, her mother refusing help, and her mother making excuses. Reading these accounts as an adult helps Lily understand the psychological trap her mother faced—and, eventually, the courage it took for Jenny to leave.

Thematic Connections

The Ellen Diaries intersect with several of the novel's central themes.

The Cycle of Domestic Abuse and Rationalization: Lily's adult journal entry explicitly names the cycle: "I start to think things like 'But I shouldn't have had the magnet. I should have told him about the tattoo from the beginning. I shouldn't have kept the journals.'" Writing helps her see the pattern of self-blame and rationalization that she once observed in her mother. For more on this, see the cycle of domestic abuse and rationalization.

The Impact of Childhood Trauma: The journals are the physical evidence of Lily's childhood trauma. They record what she witnessed, what she felt, and what she learned about love, violence, and survival. Revisiting them as an adult forces Lily to confront how her father's behavior shaped her understanding of relationships. Explore this further in the impact of childhood trauma.

Breaking Generational Patterns: Lily's return to journaling is an act of breaking silence. Her mother never spoke openly about the abuse; Lily, through writing, breaks that silence with herself first. This self-honesty is the foundation for the decision she ultimately makes to leave Ryle, breaking the generational pattern for her own daughter. Read more in breaking generational patterns.

The Duality of Love and Pain: The journals hold both extremes. They contain Lily's tenderest memories of Atlas alongside vivid accounts of her father's violence. Her adult entry captures the same duality: love and hatred for Ryle existing simultaneously. For a deeper analysis, see the duality of love and pain.

Female Support Networks and Resilience: While Ellen is an imaginary confidante, she represents the need for a witness. Lily had no real confidante as a teenager—her mother denied the abuse, and her peers were unreliable. The journals filled that void until she found real support networks in adulthood, including Allysa. Learn more about female support networks and resilience.

Study Questions

1. Why does Lily address her journal entries to Ellen DeGeneres specifically, rather than writing to an anonymous diary or a fictional character?

Lily began watching Ellen's show in 2003 when it first aired, and she was "convinced Ellen would love me if she got to know me." Ellen represented a warm, humorous adult presence—someone entirely separate from the violence and silence in Lily's own home. Addressing a real public figure allowed Lily to imagine a genuine listener, someone who might actually care about her life if she ever read the entries. The fact that Lily never mailed any of the letters underscores the paradox: she craves a witness but is not ready to be truly seen. Ellen's cultural identity as an openly gay woman who built a career on kindness and humor also matters; Ellen's show was a space where difference was celebrated and people were treated with dignity—everything Lily's home was not.

2. How does the phrase "just keep swimming," which originates in the journal entries, function as a symbol connected to the diaries?

The phrase comes from Finding Nemo, in which Ellen DeGeneres voiced the character Dory. When Lily and Atlas watch the film together while he is sick, Atlas squeezes her hand during Dory's "just keep swimming" speech, and Lily interprets it as meaning "he was Marlin and I was Dory, and I was helping him swim." The phrase becomes their shared mantra for survival. Years later, Atlas writes "Just keep swimming, Lily" on a note in her apartment and has Ellen inscribe the same words in the book he gifts her. The phrase symbolizes endurance through despair and the bond between Lily and Atlas—both of whom had to "keep swimming" through circumstances that threatened to drown them. It also ties the diaries to the theme of resilience: the journals themselves are an act of "swimming," a way of moving forward by naming what is true.

3. What does Lily's decision to stop writing in the journals after Atlas leaves reveal about her coping mechanisms?

When Atlas departs for Boston and then the military, Lily stops writing to Ellen entirely. She explains that Ellen became "an extension of my pain"—thinking of Ellen meant thinking of Atlas, and thinking of Atlas hurt too much. Her solution was "to sever all the extensions that keep you tethered to that pain." This reveals that Lily's primary coping mechanism as a teenager was avoidance and suppression. Rather than process loss and grief through continued journaling, she cut off the outlet altogether. The same pattern emerges in adulthood: she avoids confronting the truth about Ryle until she is physically hurt, at which point she finally picks up the journal again. The silence of the intervening years represents emotional shutdown, while the return to writing signals a willingness to feel and face reality.

4. Compare the teenage Lily who wrote the early diary entries with the adult Lily who writes the entry after Ryle hurts her. What has changed and what has remained the same?

The teenage Lily writes with a blend of humor, vulnerability, and clear-eyed observation. She describes her father's violence without flinching, critiques her mother's denial, and is self-aware enough to recognize her growing feelings for Atlas even as she worries about getting too attached. The adult Lily who writes after Ryle's violence is recognizably the same person: she still uses humor ("I'm sorry I don't seem to need to write to you when I'm in a good place. You tend to only get the shit end of my life"), still observes herself with analytic precision, and still craves an honest witness. What has changed is the depth of the stakes. The teenage Lily was a bystander to abuse; the adult Lily is a victim of it. Her entry is more anguished, more self-searching, and more explicit about the psychological complexity of loving someone who harms you. She also demonstrates growth in her willingness to name what is happening without minimizing it—something her mother, as portrayed in the early entries, could not do.

Conclusion

The Ellen Diaries are more than a narrative device; they are the novel's symbolic heart. They preserve the honest voice Lily cultivated before adulthood taught her silence, and they carry the evidence of her formative experiences with Atlas, with her father's violence, and with her own resilience. By returning to the journals as an adult, Lily reconnects with the girl who knew how to name the truth, however painful. That reconnection is essential to her ultimate decision to break the cycle of abuse for herself and her daughter.