Chapter 17: We Are Who We Are Until We Aren’t Anymore

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Jenny Lawson opens the chapter by expressing her love for family stories, which inspired her to research genealogy. She describes how her grandmother (Granny), who has dementia, gave Jenny her old photographs and childhood memories so they would not be lost. Among the stories is a puzzling tale about Granny’s great-grandmother, who according to family lore was Native American but appears as white on census records. Jenny discovers that the woman likely passed as white due to racism, but the full truth remains unknown.

The search also uncovers Lillie, Jenny’s great-great-grandmother, who died in a mental institution in the 1950s. Her death certificate lists “psychosis” as a contributing factor. Jenny researches the brutal treatments used at the time: electroconvulsive therapy, fever therapy, hydrotherapy, and insulin-induced comas—methods that often killed patients. Reflecting on her own struggles with mental illness, Jenny notes that improved treatment, advocacy, and open conversation have saved her from a similar fate.

Jenny traces patterns of mental illness and dementia through four generations of her family, and she fears these conditions may catch her mother and eventually her. She contrasts the grim treatment of Lillie with the gentle, resort-like memory care facility where Granny now lives. Granny remains cheerful and witty despite losing her memory. She has moments of clarity, like recognizing her own name on underwear she can hand to a nurse, or making a joke about her parents in heaven telling her to “get her brains together.” The last time Jenny visited, Granny did not know her but was still happy to see her and made a joke about not knowing her even if she ran her over with a car.

Granny’s condition worsens: she sometimes goes away in her mind and returns briefly. Jenny’s mother, the primary caregiver, explains to Jenny that one day Granny will not come back. Jenny wishes she could catch the pieces of memory Granny drops, but instead she writes down Granny’s stories and hopes that is enough. The chapter closes with hope: treatments are getting better, stigma is fading, and the shoulders of those who came before help future generations grow.

Key Events

Jenny receives Granny’s old photographs and childhood stories after her dementia diagnosis.
Jenny researches genealogy and finds conflicting records about Granny’s great-grandmother.
Discovery of Lillie’s death certificate and the brutal treatments she endured in a mental institution.
Jenny realizes she would have faced similar institutionalization had she lived earlier.
Granny’s cheerful but fading interactions: joking about her underwear with her name, not recognizing Jenny, and losing the ability to play bingo.
Jenny’s mother describes Granny’s decline: “She won’t come back,” and Jenny resolves to preserve Granny’s stories.

Character Development

Granny: Transitions from a woman with a sharp memory to a childlike state. She retains her humor, stubbornness, and sweetness, but her identity grows fragmented. The birthmark of a bird with a broken wing becomes a poignant symbol of her enduring spirit.
Jenny Lawson: Moves from curiosity about family history to a deeper understanding of inherited mental illness. She channels fear into action by documenting stories and advocating for better mental health care.
Jenny’s Mother: Takes on the role of daily caregiver with patience and love. She seems to find bittersweet joy in glimpsing her mother’s childhood self, even as she grieves the loss of the person Granny once was.

Themes, Symbols, or Motifs

Identity and Memory: The title “We Are Who We Are Until We Aren’t Anymore” frames identity as fluid, lost and regained moment by moment. Granny’s dementia shows how memory shapes selfhood, and Jenny’s writing becomes an attempt to preserve identity.
The Birthmark of a Broken-Winged Bird: A literal mark on Granny’s back, passed down from her sister. It represents both a shared family legacy and the damage (brokenness) that recurs through generations. The bird motif echoes themes of resilience and flight.
Genealogy as Healing and Haunting: Jenny’s research reveals painful truths (Lillie’s death) but also gives hope. The family crest of Victor’s family (a swan feeding blood) contrasts with the more tragic patterns in Jenny’s own lineage.
Progress in Mental Health Treatment: The chapter juxtaposes the barbaric treatments of the 1950s with the modern, compassionate care Granny receives. This progression offers hope even as the illnesses themselves persist.
The Dutiful Witness: Jenny, her mother, and the reader serve as witnesses to Granny’s decline. The act of writing down stories functions both as a memorial and an act of resistance against complete loss.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter personalizes the harsh realities of dementia and inherited mental illness. By tracing her own family history, Lawson demonstrates how the past—both genetic and cultural—shapes present struggles. She honors her grandmother’s humor and dignity while acknowledging the pain of watching someone disappear. The contrast between Lillie’s death and Granny’s compassionate care highlights the importance of advocacy and open conversation about mental health. For readers, the chapter offers a template for finding hope in the face of inevitable loss: by preserving stories, laughing amid sorrow, and recognizing how far treatment has come.

Study Questions and Answers

1. What does the birthmark of a bird with a broken wing symbolize for Granny and for the chapter as a whole?
The birthmark is a physical inheritance passed from Granny’s sister to Granny. It symbolizes shared family identity and the fragility of that identity—the “broken wing” hints at damage that recurs through generations. For the chapter, it represents the persistence of both genetic mental illness and resilient spirit. Granny still proudly wears it even as her memory fades, suggesting that some core self remains.

2. How does Jenny use the contrast between Lillie’s death and Granny’s current care to comment on mental health treatment?
Lillie died in a mental institution in the 1950s after receiving experimental, often brutal treatments (insulin comas, fever therapy). Granny lives in a comfortable memory facility where she is treated with kindness and dignity. This contrast illustrates the dramatic improvement in mental health care over two generations, largely due to reduced stigma and increased advocacy. Jenny credits open conversation for saving her own life and expresses hope for continued progress.

3. Why does Jenny say she writes down Granny’s stories, even though she cannot give them back?
Jenny acknowledges that she cannot reverse Granny’s dementia or return the pieces of memory Granny drops. By writing down the stories, however, she preserves them for herself and for future generations. The act becomes a way to honor Granny’s life and to keep her identity, in some form, from vanishing entirely. It also allows Jenny to process her own fear of inheriting similar conditions.