Chapter 85: If Only – Summary and Analysis
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
A year after the Thanksgiving argument with Benny, Bert travels to New York City on a pretext of a business meeting. He sits in a taxi outside the restaurant where Benny works, watching her through the plate-glass window. He reflects on their estrangement: Benny accused him of being closed-minded, and she left the house that holiday, later moving to the East Coast without giving her parents her new address. Bert recalls his own past — as the only Black man in night law classes, moving to California with its unfamiliar landscape, and building a life with Eleanor, a woman who could not allow herself or Bert to have a past. He thinks about his uncle and cousins back on the Caribbean island he left, but knows that reconnecting could jeopardize his family. While watching Benny help an elderly customer, Bert notices his own gentleness in her and feels a pang of hope. He touches a painful spot in his side, a hint of the illness that will kill him in six months. He wishes he had stepped out of the car and spoken to her, but he remains in the back seat, resigning himself to the belief that she will eventually find her way home.
Key Events
- Bert secretly travels from California to New York City to observe Benny at her restaurant job.
- He recalls the Thanksgiving argument when Benny left the house and later moved away without sharing her address.
- Bert reflects on his own sacrifices: attending law school at night as the oldest Black student, moving to California, and accepting Eleanor’s hidden past.
- He considers reaching out to relatives back on the island but fears the consequences.
- Bert notices a sharp pain in his side (foreshadowing his approaching death).
- He watches Benny help an elderly woman, seeing her kindness and hoping she will reconcile with him and Eleanor.
Character Development
Bert: This chapter deepens Bert’s character by exposing his vulnerability, regret, and stubborn love. He is a man torn between his protective instincts and his inability to bridge the gap he helped create. His reflection on his own youthful defiance shows that he recognizes the cycle of conflict, yet his fear of losing control keeps him passive. The physical pain suggests a man aware of his mortality but unwilling to act until it is too late.
Benny (through Bert’s eyes): We see Benny’s change through Bert’s biased perspective. He remembers her as a bighearted child but now sees her as more closed and impatient. Her kindness to the elderly woman proves she is still gentle, which gives Bert hope. The chapter emphasizes that her estrangement is a painful choice she made to protect her own identity.
Eleanor: Mentioned indirectly through Bert’s thoughts about their shared secrets. Her inability to have a past — and Bert’s complicity in that silence — haunts their family dynamic.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
Regret and “If Only”: The chapter’s title frames Bert’s entire reflection. He imagines what he would have done if he had known his time was short, highlighting the human tendency to realize the importance of connection only after it is lost.
Watching from a Distance: Bert remains in the taxi, separated by glass and pavement. This physical barrier mirrors the emotional distance he cannot cross. It symbolizes his passive love: willing to observe but not to risk rejection.
The Pain in His Side: A subtle motif of bodily decay that foreshadows Bert’s death. It also represents the unspoken burden of secrets and pride that he carries physically.
Sacrifice and Secrecy: Bert recalls moving to a state with “rattlesnakes and earthquakes” and accepting Eleanor’s hidden past. These sacrifices formed the foundation of their family but also required silencing parts of themselves — a cost that Benny now refuses to pay.
Why This Chapter Matters
Chapter 85 is a turning point for the reader’s understanding of Bert. It humanizes him by showing the guilt and longing beneath his stern exterior. The revelation that he will die in six months (from an unspecified illness) adds tragic irony to his inaction. This scene also deepens the family estrangement plot: Benny is now literally an adult building a life away from her parents, and Bert’s hope that she will “come back” may never be realized. The chapter sets up the emotional stakes for the remaining story, as his death is imminent and reconciliation remains uncertain.
Study Questions and Answers
1. Why doesn’t Bert get out of the taxi and talk to Benny?
Bert is paralyzed by a mix of pride, fear, and guilt. He believes that if he had known he would die soon, he would have acted differently, but in the moment he cannot bring himself to apologize or even speak to her. He also struggles with the idea that his own child would choose a life he cannot fully approve of, and he is not ready to confront that disappointment directly.
2. What does Bert’s physical pain symbolize in this chapter?
The pain in his side is both a literal symptom of his terminal illness and a metaphor for the emotional ache caused by his strained relationships. It hints that his secretive, prideful approach to conflict is consuming him from the inside. The pain also forces him to accept his mortality, yet he still chooses passivity.
3. How does Bert’s reflection on his own past parallel his daughter’s situation?
Bert recalls daring to attend night law school as the only Black man and moving to an unfamiliar state. He identifies with Benny’s desire to forge her own path. However, he cannot extend that same understanding to her, because her choices — living with a partner of whom he disapproves — challenge his vision of family. This parallel highlights the generational conflict between independence and parental expectation.